For a long time, I stayed away from the world of kink, something I largely credit to watching a disturbing BDSM-themed episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit during my formative years. Sex, I had been told, was only about sweetness, love, and romance, and my brain didn’t know how to reconcile that with the images of leather corsets, whips, and gimp masks.

While I wasn’t strictly vanilla, I shied away from any toys, acts, or getup traditionally associated with BDSM in my earlier sexually active years. I was perfectly fine with nothing more than the occasional flat-palmed spank, thank you very much. But as the years went by, sex went from this novel, thrilling experience to part of my everyday life. And eventually, I began to crave the forbidden fruit of the kink world, Detectives Stabler and Benson be damned. When I entered a sexual renaissance, I decided to finally dip my toes into kink.

Fortunately, there are few places better for a kinky (or kink-curious) person to live than the Bay Area. With the many venues, events, organizations, and classes, there’s something for just about everyone — even those with no prior experience at all. In fact, most folks I’ve encountered have been downright giddy to educate and welcome newcomers.

Based on my own experience and research—along with help from Liza, welcoming director of local BDSM group Society of Janus, who has chosen not to share her full name due to the sensitive nature of her work—I’ve compiled a comprehensive guide to beginner-friendly hotspots, resources, groups, and advice. While it’s far from all-encompassing, it should give you a great place to start, should you be inclined.

Tips & advice

• Consent is everything. Don’t be fooled by 50 Shades of Grey — kink should never involve coercion or pressure. “Everything we do centers around consent and communication,” Liza says. “If you cannot specifically articulate what you want and what your limits are, you aren’t ready to play.”
• Walk before you run. When it comes to kink, it’s better to slowly wade into the water than cannonball. “It’s difficult to start playing and doing scenes when you are new because you don’t yet have the physical skill set or ability to negotiate well,” Liza says. “Don’t go into the community just trying to find a partner or someone to play with. Come in with the mindset of building community and making friends and you will have a much better time.” A great way to learn is by watching others and asking questions — just don’t interrupt an ongoing scene.
• Sex isn’t necessarily the endgame. When I first started watching people play in public, I was surprised by how often scenes would play out without anything sexual occurring whatsoever. But this isn’t unusual, Liza says. “Lots of kinks don’t have a sexual component, and I’ve seen lots of people who are simply friends playing together because it’s fun.”
• Power dynamics aren’t black and white. A lot of people think that kink involves a dichotomy between all-powerful dominants and deferential submissives. But there are a couple of problems with this way of thinking — for one, “people switch, play with power. Dominants can bottom and submissives can top. How you identify will evolve,” Liza says. Additionally, being dominated doesn’t mean that you give up your autonomy.
• Stay vigilant. At risk of sounding like a buzzkill, it’s worth emphasizing that newcomers should exercise caution. “There are dangerous people in this community just like any other. Before you attend a specific group’s or dungeon’s events, I strongly recommend checking out their policies on consent violations, both how they handle violations that occur at their events, and what they do about violations that occur other places,” Liza says. “This is another reason to make friends — it will get you some more insider knowledge of who is who.”

Community & play spaces

• Wicked Grounds: Exploring kink for the first time can be nerve-wracking, but this BDSM-oriented café in SoMa is just about as nonintimidating as it gets. As strange as it may sound, the vibe is very mom-and-pop, with the addition of some kinky artwork, books, and toys on display for good measure. Wicked Grounds hosts munches (casual social gatherings) and classes, including a Kink 101 series in addition to selling toys, books, and of course coffee. “The staff is really knowledgeable and can answer any specific kink questions you have or direct you to really great resources,” Liza tells me.
• The Armory Club: This classy, dimly lit bar with a dash of kinky flair was opened by BDSM porn company Kink.com in 2012, back when they were using the adjacent San Francisco Armory as a studio to film their content. While their production has since moved house, the Armory Club remains a Mission District hotspot. Come for the handcrafted cocktails and Victorian-inspired decor, stay for the kink parties and workshops.
• Cat Club: Most of the time, Cat Club is your typical trendy SoMa bar with exposed brick walls, colorful lighting, and jam-packed dance floors. But each Wednesday, it transforms into a degenerate’s delight with weekly fetish party Bondage-a-Go-Go. Attendees can drink, dance, mingle, and play in the public dungeon (Liza recommends newbies check out the demos in the back). Don’t come in your jeans and Allbirds, though — this event requires all-black at a minimum, with leather, latex, and lingerie encouraged.
• Folsom Street: Folsom Street has long been the epicenter of San Francisco’s BDSM community, home to dozens of fetish bars and stores over the years. The street is arguably best known for the Folsom Street Fair, an annual late-September celebration of all things kink. There, you’ll see everything from fetish gear vendors to musical performances to demos (my personal favorites included a saucy game of Twister and an awe-inspiring rope suspension demo). Feel free to take advantage of the clothing-optional policy, but keep in mind that you will inevitably run into some gawkers.
• The Citadel: Touting themselves as “San Francisco’s premiere dungeon space,” the Citadel is the city’s best-known BDSM play destination. Citadel has a welcoming cadre of volunteers, close proximity to BART, and an extensive prop collection (think: St. Andrew’s crosses, sex swings, examination tables, etc.). Bear in mind, you’ll have to bring your own toys: whips, floggers, paddles, pinwheels, and the like are not provided.
• SF Catalyst: Run by the San Francisco Bay Area Leather Alliance, SF Catalyst is “a community-run educational and social space” in SoMa. The space boasts bedroom and dungeon room furniture, bondage and suspension points, a shower, a loft, and more. In addition, SF Catalyst regularly hosts parties, meetups, and workshops, among other events (Naked Tuesdays, anyone?).
• Black Thorn: If the Citadel is the premiere dungeon of San Francisco, then Black Thorn — located in Oakland’s Lake Merritt neighborhood — is undoubtedly the designated hotspot for the East Bay. A smaller, more intimate space, it only has room for 30 people, so make sure to show up early, or consider renting the space out privately (just $60/hour for four people or fewer). Black Thorn has five themed rooms: La Boudoir, a bedroom space; La Prison, a more traditional dungeon; La Clinique, a medical fantasy play area; Le Salon, a sitting room area; and La Salle á Manger, a dining room space.

Stores

• Good Vibrations: Far from sleazy smut hubs filled with unsavory characters, Good Vibrations stores are warm and inviting, with a plethora of toys and accessories as well as friendly, knowledgeable associates. They may not have the most comprehensive kink collection compared to businesses that specialize in BDSM, but their selection offers plenty for beginners, from restraints to blindfolds to rope and more. Stores are located throughout the Bay, with presences in the city, the East Bay, and the South Bay.
• Leather Etc.: If you’re looking to expand your collection of fetish toys or pick up dungeon-worthy attire, look no further than Leather Etc. on Folsom Street. The purveyor of kink goods has just about every toy you can think of, including gear for niche fetishes like pony play and suspension. They also have multiple products for each category, so you can be as picky about finding the perfect collar or spreader bar as you want. Perhaps most impressive, though, is their clothing selection, which encompasses everything from chainmail harnesses to latex dresses.

Resources

• Erobay: Yes, the aesthetic is pretty Web 2.0, but Erobay is the most comprehensive Bay Area kink calendar out there. Erobay displays classes, conferences, munches, parties, and other events for a variety of local dungeons and organizations, with filters for gender, location, and subject of interest.
• Eventbrite: Eventbrite isn’t just for concerts and networking events — it also has a surprisingly thorough list of kink parties and workshops. The featured events tend to be hosted by larger organizations like Kink.com or venues like the Armory Club. A lot of these charge admission, but you can still find the occasional free and/or privately hosted event.
• FetLife: The social network of choice for kinksters, FetLife is like if Facebook was created by Mark Zuckerberg’s pervy alter-ego. Build out your profile with an “About Me” section, pictures, and a list of your kinks, then add/follow friends, join groups, and browse local events. It’s a great site to find a play partner, although much like Tinder, the odds are stacked against heterosexual men and there’s a not-insignificant number of creeps lurking there, so be careful.

Groups

• Society of Janus: Founded in 1974, this organization is for people interested in learning about BDSM. Specifically helpful are the “Newcomer’s Crash Course” and “BDSM Basics” classes, both of which take place at Wicked Grounds.
• The Next Generation (TNG): The Next Generation is an organization for kinky youth, defined as people under 40. There are chapters throughout the area, including San Francisco TNG, East Bay TNG, North Bay TNG, and South Bay TNG. The different groups each hold munches, happy hours, play parties, and other events throughout the Bay Area.
• Queer Sphere: As the name implies, East Bay-based Queer Sphere helps connect queers of any gender who identify as kinky as well as offering programs and services of interest to them, including monthly parties as well as the occasional potluck or happy hour.
• The Exiles: When you’re grinding day-to-day in a man’s world, sometimes you just need to be around people who get it. Enter: The Exiles, an organization for kinky women and anyone who identifies other than male, including (but not limited to) nonbinary, genderqueer, gender variant, and intersex folks. The Exiles host a program on the third Friday of each month with rotating themes — past topics have included flogging, pet play, and bootblacking, the art of restoring and caring for boots and other leather gear.
• Kinky People of Color — Bay Area: For POC seeking a safe space to explore their interests, Kinky People of Color is a great option. The group hosts monthly happy hours, often in Oakland.