Search “definition of hipster” on Google, and you’ll find a slew of hatred for this overused label. One Urban Dictionary entry defines hipsters as “People I want to punch in the face”; another claims, “Hipsters can’t be defined because then they’d fit in a category, and thus be too mainstream.”
San Francisco itself is oft-considered a hipster city on account of its music and arts scene, the proliferation of tattoos among its citizens, its foodie culture and its countercultural history. So in an attempt to shed light on the question of “Where the hipsters at?” I visited the San Francisco bars that epitomized (what I perceive of as) hipsterism.
Regardless of whether you’re a hipster or a square, this list is a good way to spice up your usual bar habits. Enjoy! Or don’t, if that’s not your style (cough cough, you fucking hipster).
Madrone Art Bar
Location: NOPA
People: Those “born in the wrong decade”
Vibe: Weird blend of West-Side-Story-intense dance battles and quiet art observers
Madrone Art Bar is the best place for hipsters to get down, get down. Their Motown Mondays and Fat Tuesdays draw in a collection of young and old weirdos looking for a place to boogie their blues away. The regularly rotating artwork is always politically relevant and engaging, which is just what you look for when you go to a bar, right? Make sure you don’t miss out on the Prince vs. Michael Jackson dance-off — the last time I went, I met a short Sumo wrestler who challenged me to one.
Elbo Room
Location: Mission
People: “Free spirits” who live in vans instead of houses, and lots of beanie-wearing men
Vibe: Hipster high school reunion?
The last time I came here, my friends and I ended up at an “after party” in a van, because — you know — owning property is so last year. The old-school arcade games, overpriced yet oh-so-worth-it photo booth and guys who do the splits as a means to pick up girls make this one a personal favorite on the list.
The Bitter End
Location: Richmond
People: Art students, backpacking explorers and people who wear checkered vans
Vibe
: “Let’s grab a beer”
This bar has a strangely romantic orange glow and billiard tables. Orange is not my color, and I don’t know how to play pool, but nonetheless it works for the Bitter End. The casual air will make you feel like you’ve stepped into a sitcom friend-group’s local hub (channeling my inner Lily Aldrin), and the patrons are uber-friendly (not what hipsters are known for).
Smuggler’s Cove
Location: Western Addition
People
: Tatted
Vibe: Disney’s of the Caribbean. But in a cool way, I swear.
If you’ve ever wanted to channel your inner Jack Sparrow for a night, this is the bar for you. The place is decked out (boat puns intended) with funky lighting, fish nets hanging from the ceilings, baby waterfalls and barrels galore. With over 550 rums to choose from and glasses the size of an orca whale, you’ll leave drunk as a sailor.
The Page
Location: Lower Haight
People: Brutally honest
Vibe: Mutual, I’m sure
First thing to know is that this is a cash-only bar (hipsters don’t use credit cards.) Second thing to know is that this is a no-frills, no-funny-business kind of bar. The drinks, décor and people are straightforward. Their website copy states, “Like a lot of us, the Page takes a while to get dressed, and looks better in dim light.” So take your time getting ready, and don’t you dare order a Mojito.
Buddha Lounge
Location: Financial District
People: Down to earth
Vibe: Early 2000s pop / Chinese fusion
Supposedly, before 8:00 p.m., the bartender, Mark, will play you in a game of dice — you win; he buys you both a beer; and you can bet what happens if you lose. Cash-only once again, but this time you can get Three Penis Chinese Whiskey. Down?
What, no Zeitgeist? Yeah, it’s gotten too mainstream. Throw down in the comments if you’re angry, hipster. — Ed.
