By Ginny Hogan and Laurence Pevsner
Coronavirus has stripped us of so much — museums, concert halls, and telling my ex-girlfriend Jess that I’ll actually take her to all those places. 2020 truly has been ironic, to use the Alanis Morissette definition. But as I sit and take some time to reflect on my past life and what might await me in the future, I realized there are lots of things I don’t actually miss. Not even a little bit. At all.
1. Small talk.
2. Bumper-to-bumper commutes.
3. Emails “finding you well.”
4. Skipping my then-girlfriend Jess’ birthday party to play pool with the boys. In retrospect, I can play pool with them any day, and I’m pretty sure her birthday only happens about once a year.
5. Offices requiring me to wear suits in the summer.
6. My co-worker with garlic breath.
7. Taking the bus to that concert Jess got me tickets to because I figured I wouldn’t get a seat on the subway. Showing up 45 minutes late and not being allowed in, even though she spent $80 on it. Then blaming de Blasio for not investing in the MTA (it’s his fault — everything is).
8. Disembarking from a flight and having to immediately drive to my parents’ house — we should maintain this two-week-quarantine-post-flight rule forever.
9. Engaging in any social activity when I have a runny nose.
10. Engaging in any social activity when I don’t have a runny nose.
11. Smiling at the cute barista when Jess and I ordered our morning lattes together. I shouldn’t have done it — she’s adorable, but I don’t even know her, and she definitely wasn’t my girlfriend who was standing right next to me! I’ll keep the mask on long after it’s necessary, just so Jess never has to see me flirt with another woman again! I will tip the barista $8 though, not because I’m vaguely attracted to her, but because I’m a good guy, okay?!
12. Communal all-you-can-eat buffets, especially ones where the food stays out for six hours (I only like calamari that’s been out for over eight hours).
13. Spring break, or anything else that brings joy to college students.
14. People talking on cellphones in movie theaters, but only if “people” doesn’t actually include me.
15. Going to the dentist. Caveat: My teeth should automatically stay good without cleanings. It’s the least that 2020 could do for me.
16. All sports. Particularly the ones I’m bad at, which includes all of them except golf and bocce, neither of which I’ve tried.
17. Announcing at Jess’ sister’s wedding that long-term commitment just isn’t for me because I don’t want to lose the ability to experience “new bodies.” Jess’ great-aunt didn’t need to know that, and honestly, neither did her two-year-old niece.
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18. Actually, after this pandemic, maybe we should just get rid of weddings altogether. Nothing good can come from them.
19. Sleeping with Jess’ friend Sandy. Okay, that was bad even without the social distancing issue. But I learned a lot from her body that I’m excited to teach Jess! Like how Sandy being hotter turns me on.
20. Open offices.
21. Going to Thailand for a sexual tourism adventure. This was bad behavior before the pandemic, I see that now, and Jess if you’re reading this, I promise I’ll never go back (besides my bachelor party, obviously — which is to say, please marry me).
22. Elevators with more than two other people in them.
23. Ignoring the service workers and delivery drivers who give us our food and keep our communities going. Yes, they’re human and deserve basic dignity, but I’ve actually started paying attention to them because have you seen the muscles on that Amazon delivery driver? Dude’s been packin’ on the gains with all these packages he’s hoisting all over the place.
24. On that note, we should just generally stop ignoring the effects we have on our neighbors, specifically that we’re all obligated to play a role in our collective public health and well-being via mask-wearing, recycling, and not calling the cops on people barbecuing in a public park. This all stems from American exceptionalism, a false idea that our country is magically the best (hello, have you even been to Thailand?). We can’t rest on our laurels, or rest on the hard, desperate work of the poor. We need to stop doing all this evil, selfish stuff. Especially me. Tell Jess I changed.
25. Not accepting apologies. Was this a pandemic thing? Someone please tell Jess I’m sorry and I love her and I’ll do anything to get her back.
26. Spin the bottle.
