The Weirdest Shit to Come Out of Silicon Valley

For more than a year, I’ve done this monthly roundup compiling the latest weirdness coming out of the tech industry. This month, approaching it definitely felt odd, given that most everything has changed since I did this 30 days ago. Everyone in tech is working from home on Zoom with a beach background, a recession is imminent, and venture capitalists are reworking their market estimates as they struggle to predict an unknown future.

All of this change and uncertainty makes the stories I’d typically include — like this cuddle puddle room in a Bay Area condo or the stuff tech elite are spending their millions on (superyachts, space, and sourdough starters)—now seem irrelevant and of another time.

But Silicon Valley — and the internet in general — has been busy in reaction to our new normal under Covid-19. It’s impacted everything from dating apps to TikTok content and what we’re buying (leopard print toilet paper, apparently). And I still feel a duty to share it. After all, in the words of the much-missed science fiction author Terry Pratchett, “What makes night within us may leave stars.” That’s deep. What I’m trying to say: It’s okay — and healthy — to add some levity to our lockdown.

So when you’re done with today’s gloomy Googling, dig into the coronavirus edition of The Weirdest Shit.

People are livestreaming themselves sleeping

With people’s anxiety skyrocketing and the world looking crappy in the midst of a pandemic, people aren’t getting as many zzz’s as they’d like. That is, apart from a cadre of TikTok stars who have started monetizing their bedtime, reports the New York Times.

Stars like LilCarrot (96,800 followers) and NatElise (845,700 followers) have started livestreaming their sleep by propping their phones up by their beds. People can tune in just to watch them nod off and see how they nap/drool on their pillows. Some play soothing music, others just display a dark screen where all you can hear is the sound of their breath. That’s literal moneymaking from thin air; on Twitch, streamer Matthew “Mizkif” Rinaudo woke up $5,600 richer after a good nap.

ASMR influencers take on the coronavirus

On Sunday, March 29, over 800,000 people had watched Taylor Darling, aka YouTuber ASMR Darling’s video, “ASMR Testing For You Corona Virus.”

(FYI, ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response, which is a calming and tingling sensation created by certain audio stimulation.) For example, Darling’s YouTube bio says she offers, “Ear to Ear Whisper, Tapping, Scratching, Affirmations, Compliments, Roleplay, Hair Play, Hair Brushing, Personal Attention, Close up, Words, Face touching, Camera touching, and Microphone brushing” skills to the current pandemic.

In this video, standing in what looks like a doctor’s office, she wears a mask and gently washes her hands three times for 30 seconds at a time. Then she softly whispers information about the coronavirus and how to stay safe.

Other ASMR influencers have leaned into this trend; dressed like a doctor, ASMR YouTuber SensorAdi pretends to administer a Covid-19 vaccine (which does not exist) to a patient, and Ice The Enchantress role-plays as a TSA agent telling a traveler that they’ve been infected. “We’re able to express ourselves to our audience while relaxing them at the same time. ASMRtists are able to take a subject or event that may have scared you or made you anxious & turn it into a relaxing experience,” Ice The Enchantress told BuzzFeed News.

Many have rightly inserted disclaimers that they’re role-playing a scenario, and that people should check the CDC for real advice. Hey, no judgment; if a little ASMR makes you feel better, go for it.

Zoom orgies

In recent days, Zoom’s become the platform for pilates, professionals, and even preschoolers, but what you can do on a video call just leveled up. That’s thanks to 60 kinky revelers in New York City, who decided to get creative. Shay and Ray, the founders of Playscapes NYC, an IRL sex club, told Men’s Health they didn’t want to cancel the orgy they’d planned for Shay’s 27th birthday party.

Instead, the group took to Zoom to celebrate. People tuned in wearing their sauciest lingerie, and the event lineup included burlesque and pole dancing performances. By the end of the night, most people were getting down and dirty in their own homes…

The FBI’s fitness app

With so many people working out at home, everyone’s desperately trying to find something that works for them. I’ve just discovered Yoga With Adriene, but I know a lot of people are looking for something more intense. The FBI saw this as the perfect opportunity to push their app on people. “Looking for a new fitness routine you can try at home? Download the #FBiFitTest app and see what it’s like to train like a #SpecialAgent,” the agency tweeted.

The FBI FitTest app is available on Android and iOS, and its workout includes pushups, pull-ups, sprints, and… giving the FBI authorized access to your phone. The Android app gives the Bureau permission to track your location, data, and view and delete your content, reported Vice. Their iOS app doesn’t get as much data but can still access your GPS location.

To be clear, you give away many of these exact permissions every time you download an app and are forced to agree to their unreadable T’s and C’s. The FBI refuted that they collect or save data from the app’s users, but privacy experts say people should be wary. And with more than 320,000 fitness apps out there, it’s not like you’re not spoiled for choice.

Toilet paper startups

Oh, how I laughed when the toilet paper startups first launched in early 2019. Did we need artisanal loo rolls? Were people really going to subscribe for monthly TP just because they came in pink and gold packaging, with slogans like “believe in moments for yourselves,” and a toilet paper concierge?

But, whatever, I’d seen weirder things. And look who’s laughing now. Reel Paper, which makes bamboo-sourced toilet paper, told BuzzFeed News that their sales have grown 200% in the last few weeks. Peach, the millennial pink toilet paper company (lol), said they’re up 267% in the last two weeks. №2, a startup that covers their rolls in zebra print, cheetah print, and more, said their Amazon sales had increased 1,643% in the last week. “Bye bye butt crumble,” their website reads. “Please wipe responsibly.”

Considering the shortage, it makes sense that they’re inundated right now, but who knows if that will continue when all this is over?

Know of some ridic stuff happening in tech? Email, DM, or tweet me to include it in next month’s edition.