So this May has been one long sweet ride of a month in terms of tech titan tea.
The philanthropic billionaire power couple that was Bill and Melinda Gates have celled it quit (now enter rumors about Bill’s 20-year annual vacay with his ex-GF), which occurred with Melinda’s consent (though not necessarily approval). Well, that’s… not great. Then there’s the spate of Elon Musk scammers, who, under the guise of being the #realelon, have scammed around $80 million from 7,000 people since October 2020.
So, yea: 👎👎👎
Then we have Florida, of F-ING COURSE, where its idiot-conservative-in-charge, Governor Ron DeSantis, signed a law that essentially bans Facebook, Twitter, et al., from deleting bad eggs and politicians. He also nixed all moderation of their online posts (slow clap from ISIS) … all so that Floridians (a.k.a. Mar-a-Largo’ans) receive “guaranteed protection against the Silicon Valley elites.” Mmmkayy. The one exception to the non-moderation bill is theme parks, most likely because the #happiestplaceonearth brings in a LOT of revenue for the state
So…capitalism?
Moving on, the May edition of Two Truths and a Lie, the Silicon Valley Startup Edition takes a futuristic twist on outer space because I have to believe this shit gets better at some point.
Out of the following three space-related startups which one is fake?
- A startup that sells Eau de Space, a space-in-field scent designed by NASA to prep astronauts.
- A startup that sells space tourist luggage: think electromagnetic bases for gravity control and a vacuum function.
- A startup working on designed-in-space contraception, using space disrupted hormone cycles to produce the world's first personalized contraceptive.
(Scroll to the bottom for the answers.)
Know of some ridiculous stuff happening in tech? Email, DM, or tweet me to include it in next month’s edition. Pre-order my new book, “Killer Looks: The Forgotten History Of Plastic Surgery In Prisons,” here.
Mark Zuckerberg’s Goat Name Game
May has been a hard month in the digital money space. Most cryptocurrencies have tanked faster than you can say, “whip me Elon Musk.” With complete disregard for the current pup-focused blockchain shenanigans (in the battle of Shiba Inu vs. Dogecoin, may the best barker win) The Zuck has, with all his usual sense for inappropriate timing, shared a **wonderful** picture of the new additions to his household; Bitcoin and Max, two lovable horn-free goats. Max Bitcoin? Yes, well…
Extra props to Mia Mercado at The Cut for reminding me that once upon a startup time, The Zuck slaughtered a goat at home (whether it was Bitcoin’s ma or pa is still to be disclosed) and fed it to Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey.
An excerpt of that “special” moment, from Dorsey’s perspective: “I go, ‘We’re eating the goat you killed?’ [Zuckerberg] said, ‘Yeah.’ I said, ‘Have you eaten goat before?’ He’s like, ‘Yeah, I love it.’ I’m like, ‘What else are we having?’ ‘Salad.’ I said, ‘Where is the goat?’ ‘It’s in the oven.’ Then we waited for about 30 minutes. He’s like, ‘I think it’s done now.’ We go to the dining room. He puts the goat down. It was cold.
The Rise of Puppy Petflix
The pandemic caused a puppy-boom, like never before as stuck-inside folks decided that now was the time to finally add the fluffball they’d always wanted, but never had time to walk properly, to their family. Demand for dogs was so high over this period that dognapping rates peaked worldwide, the most famous being the abduction of Lady Gaga’s two beloved french bulldogs…and her INSANE $500,000 offer for their safe return.
But as lockdown restrictions rollback, and the possibility of hanging out with human friends and returning to work — indoors — IRL, beckons, these new dog owners are having a reckoning with their furball. These pups, used to their owner’s undivided attention, are experiencing abandonment issues.
Enter the run-on pet gadgets, from automatic feeders and drinking fountains to motion sensor pet cameras with two-way audio to measure separation anxiety and/or chastise naughty puppies, reports The Guardian.
Also on the rise: Petflix, a.k.a streaming services designed for dogs. As in, dog content created for doggy viewers. Yes, you have been wasting your life. One company, Dog TV, color corrects their video content into blues and yellows (as dogs see color on a limited spectrum) with audio adjusted for canine ear pleasure. Their content includes videos of puppies playing, walkies in the park, and so on.
Another provider, RelaxMyDog, offers similarly themed content, includingvirtual walks, where the video broadcasts a dogs-eye-view of local parks, combined with an audio-designed dog “chill-out” soundtrack. They report an 18% increase in users over the last six weeks. You can catch similar dog-targeted shows on Spotify and Amazon Prime. Fur-real.
Meet Jeff Bezos‘s $500 Million Super Ship
What does the super-rich spend their cash on when they’ve already crossed private island, movie studio, and space travel off their bucket list? Enter the supership — or superyacht, if we’re being fancy. Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon and the richest person on the planet, has invested some $500 million and change to build a giant superyacht (sometimes called a Giga yacht) reports Bloomberg. Codename: Y721, because what’s a good supervillain without a codename, right?
Built by Dutch yachtmaker Oceanco, Bezos’s new baby features a support yacht with a helipad, storage for an array of sports cars, and a rumored submarine. Once finished, Bezos’s superyacht will measure about 417 feet (approximately half the length of the original TITANIC). Details are scarce, but going by other superyachts in this genre, expect his new pad to be outfitted with an IMAX theater, spa, pool, and beach club, amongst other luxury features.
To be sure, Bezos’s boat isn’t going to be ready for a while, as the pandemic run on superyachts has slowed production for the super-rich — Steven Spielberg’s waiting on his new yacht (estimated at $200 million +) as are a bunch of anonymous millionaires.
I know, such torment, right? They want to sail the high seas and the pesky proletariat are getting in their way… “Clients can enjoy life at sea for long periods of time without having to go mix with others,” Aino Grapin, chief executive officer of superyacht-interiors studio Winch Design, told Bloomberg (Italics by moi). Additionally, running these yachts cost around 10% of their purchase price, so around $50 million or so annually for Bezos, but what’s the GDP of Tuvalu amongst friends?
Joe Biden’s SuperSwipe Gambit
For some time now, the vaccinated have been winning the online dating game — in February, I reported on vaccine-flexing on Tinder and Grindr. TLDR: if you’ve had the shot, now you’re hot.
Anyhoo, now the vaxpack can get their flex on, courtesy of President Joe Biden, reports TechCrunch. With vaccine hesitancy on the rise, many states and cities have rolled out vaccine incentives, including a free ShakeShack voucher, a free pound of boiled crawfish, a $50 gift card to José Andrés Restaurants, a $100 savings bond in West Virginia, and a $1 million lottery ticket (plus full-ride college scholarships) in Ohio.
The White House is taking a horny teen approach to incentives, teaming up with Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Match, OkCupid, BLK, Chispa, Plenty of Fish and Badoo. On Tinder, users that add a “vaccinated” sticker to their profile, receive a free super like. Sure, that’s around a $1 benefit (a pack of five “Super Likes” is normally $5), which, as benefits go, is pretty low, but can you put a price on love? Hmmm. (Users get equivalent promos on the other dating apps).
“We have finally found the one thing that makes us all more attractive,” White House Senior COVID Advisor Andy Slavitt said in a briefing. “A vaccination.” Slavitt said the White House Tinder-push was “responding to the president’s call to action,” but did not share any visuals of Biden’s Tinder profile. Here’s a (much younger) Biden bro pic, if you’re having trouble swiping right on the dude.
Another mockup can be seen here. Super Like?
Twitch’s Reluctant Hot Tub Channel
We’ve come full circle when it comes to the world of streaming. At first there were camgirls, then beauty and tech bloggers, then Chatroulette, followed by videogame streamers and Only Fans subscribers. Now: hot tub streaming. Twitch just announced a new channel, titled Pools, Hot Tubs, and Beaches, reported The Verge, wherein you can watch scantily clad streamers spill the tea and play video games.
The move is a reluctant one by Twitch, forced by gaming streamers gaming the system (no duh!) by playing from their paddling pools and tubs. Essentially, gamer girl or boy plus bikini = high view count. The problem for Twitch was advertisers, many of who were happy to promote their brand via kids massacring each other in Call of Duty, but got squeamish when the same kids show off their bruised skin. At first, Twitch just removed some of the ads, claiming they received complaints from advertisers and viewers, but after push back from their creators (and their fans!), announced the new hot tub channel. To be sure, Twitch’s rules nix any “sexually suggestive content” but the mere bathing suit doesn’t fall into that category, and Twitch has promised to protect their state of undress as long as it stays SFW — no nip slips allowed.
“Being found to be sexy by others is not against our rules,” the company wrote in a blog post. “Twitch will not take enforcement action against women, or anyone on our service, for their perceived attractiveness.”
Answers to Two Truths and A Lie: The space contraception startup is the fake one. San Francisco Startup Eau de Space sells the Eau de Space scent. Horizn Studios designs and sells space tourist luggage.
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