What a month October has been for titanic tech leaks, bizarre trials, and everything’s oh so meta…ack, sorry, too soon? Oh yeah, and I published a book about prison plastic surgery, and you should buy it! (thx v. much)
To sum up — Marissa Meyer wants to demolish three houses to make way for a swimming pool, Elizabeth Holmes’s trial is a hot mess of juror dropouts cos no one wants to convict a white woman, Facebook is now meta, with The Zuck calling the metaverse the “successor to the mobile internet,” erm ok, and The Facebook Papers tells us lots of bad sh*t but mostly nothing all that striking, given the blindingly obvious body issue problem that Instagram was for teens, or that not all employees agreed with the decision making processes.
Moving on from that trainwreck, here’s the October edition of “Two Truths and a Lie: The Silicon Valley Startup Edition.” This month, there’s a spook-tober twist, because of course. To make it extra special, I’ve combined cute dogs with dress-up costumes *thank me later. (Also, please enjoy how an SF resident covered their house with a giant surgical mask.)
Out of the following three costumes that Beast, The Zuck’s delightful Hungarian Sheepdog has worn for, which one is the fake one?
- The time Beast dressed as a Sith, complete with a red lightsaber
- The time Beast dressed as Fiona from Shrek.
- The time Beast dressed as the mop from Fantasia
(Scroll to the bottom for the answers.)
Know of some ridiculous stuff happening in tech? Email, DM, or tweet me to include it in next month’s edition.
Facebook’s Beyond Bad Health Open Enrollment Sign Up Video
Lots and lots of companies have uber cringe musical videos (disclosure: I was part of Fusion’s ill-fated launch video) but I think this tops everything in its breathtaking awkward cluelessness.
Sung by their in-house a capella group (no disrespect, folks) the script is beyond cringe, as is the awkward jump into the metaverse…if that’s the future, I want no part in it.
Microsoft’s Bloomberry Ice Cream Is The Latest Brand/Ice Cream WTF
First off, let me clear up something. I love ice cream. Like, CAPITAL LETTERS love it. I mention this in my Twitter bio, on my website, and on my LinkedIn page (*occasionally replaced by “fry-yo if I’m being faux healthy). Basically, I'm predisposed to like ice cream-esuqe things (though not the Museum of Ice Cream, sadly) so I come to this fully loaded with bias. In early October, Microsoft launched Windows 11 Bloom, an updated OS that included a swirly blue-ish squiggle motif that resembled someone gone overboard with those Photoshop brushes. To celebrate this “beautiful and harmonious composition” the company splashed their new design across Times Square billboards and handed out free servings of Bloomberry (Get it? They really hope you do) ice cream courtesy of Mikey Likes It Ice Cream, an East Village scooperie.
The blueberry flavored scoops included a mouthwatering blueberry pie and pound cake filling and were topped with candied chocolate pieces. They were available from Mikey’s Harlem and East Village locations whole stocks lasted. No blue screen of death required (sorry).
Apparently, the delicious-looking mess of gray-blue swirled with sprinkles was a great reflection of the OS design. *shrugs* But WTF Microsoft? Why does NYC get all the love? I demand some Bloomberry for the West Coast, no fair making it seem like it’s Manhattan or bust.
Side note — does anyone else feel Bloomberry and BlackBerry are uncomfortably similar?
Polish Your Precious With Apple’s $19 Cloth
This month we got word of the long awaited MacBook updates; a reluctant return to ports (yay) 3rd generation AirPod pros, new processors, and an apparently exciting notch on their MacBooks. Possibly lost amidst all that wonderment, was a new addition to the Apple family, a one-size fits all product compatible with every single things Apple sells, reports 9to5Mac. The $19 polishing cloth. Yes, that’s right. The pocket square for the geek generation.
ICYMI: The compatibility list. Fo’real.
The cloth is made of unspecified nonabrasive materials — like y’know all these $2-$4 cloths — but then again, do they have an embossed Apple logo in the corner? Nah, more fool them. There’s a reason cleaning cloths are priced so low, cos, duh, they get dirty, and they’re super easy to lose.
But hey, represent the Mac, AMIRITE? Le sigh.
The Musk v. Bezos Big Dick Energy Continues
Hark all ye faithful: the billionaires are throwing their toys out their prams again. In early October, Elon Musk’s fortune rocketed to over $200 billion — and he chose to celebrate that stupefying fact by thumbing his nose at Jeff Bezos, who’d been demoted to the second richest person in the world. “I’m sending a giant statue of the digit ‘2’ to Jeffrey B., along with a silver medal,” Musk told Forbes. Now that’s exactly the kind of mature attitude we want from our billionaires, right?
Considering the pair’s history, it’s not unexpected; cue the dick-joke about rocketships — “Can’t get it up (to orbit) lol,” Musk Tweeted after SpaceX beat Bezos out for a NASA contract. Other jabs: “Stop teasing, Jeff,” Musk wrote, on a picture photoshopped to add “balls” to BLUE on a BlueOrigin promo pic. Bezos is not innocent either: his jabs include needling Musk about taking so long to land the Falcon 9: “Welcome to the club!”— a backhanded compliment, basically “so fetch” for the GenX generation. Bezos has also filed a bunch of complaints against SpaceX to the FCC, via subsidiaries, claiming SpaceX’s satellites violated their rules.
“[Bezos] retired in order to pursue a full-time job filing lawsuits against SpaceX …” tweeted Musk in response. Dude, really? I mean, accessible is one thing, but giant megalomaniac man-children carving up space to their whims is ick.
Get it together.
The Sparkles Dating App Combines Commerce With Coupling
Even with the myriad of apps out there, dating kinda sucks, and now it can suck and SELL you stuff, thanks to Sparkles, a dating app that “looks to carve a new market at the intersection of social commerce and helping people build meaningful connections.” Sometimes you have to let people dig their own hole, mmmkay.
The app’s setup is similar to most dating apps (more complex than Tinder, less detailed than Match) with users adding their photos, partner preferences, the kind of experiences they’re looking for, and their “mood” to their profile. People connect via the swipe method (rewind swipes are currently free) with partner suggestions based on their secret algorithmic compatibility scores. An in-app calendar lets the matched plan a date (experiences purchased via the app) with the option to split the cost of said experience. “Buy discounted deals, go on dates,” the company writes on its Facebook page. “Sparkles solves for cognitive overload leading to paradox of choice and commitment to none,” founder Priyanka Sehgal tells Media Info, a statement that sounds very clever and tells me precisely nothing.
So I don’t hate the idea of simplifying the what shall we do on our date side of things (and it’s free to sign up, as of now) but combined with Sparkles other marketing material — which includes embedding influencers to “creat(e) a market ripe with social commerce,” …it all feels pretty uncomfortable. Like, what’s the MO here?
If your business model is selling stuff to users, it’s in your best interests that THEY DON’T MATCH… Swiping left.
Answers to Two Truths and a Lie: Fiona from Shrek is the fake one. Beast dressed as a Sith in 2015. He was the mop from Fantasia that year as well.
