By Adriana Roberts
Okay, to be fair, it’s not exactly “exact,” and it’s pretty much just Fisherman’s Wharf. But it’s still hella weird, especially for a San Franciscan. Bottom line though: they kinda nailed it.
There’s an imitation San Francisco in Japan, so of course it’s at a theme park. It’s at the awesome Universal Studios in Osaka — infamously under-built for the amount of crowds it attracts — with rides often posting 5+ hour wait times. But no such issues await in its bizarrely authentic-looking San Francisco area, since there are no rides here, just a few overpriced eateries, a candy shop, and freakishly uncanny reproductions of places like Ghirardelli, the Buena Vista, and of course, the iconic Fisherman’s Wharf sign.
There are also a few “glitches in the Matrix” in the form of alternate universe restaurants that don’t actually exist in SF, like “Lombard’s Landing” and “The Dragon’s Pearl.” But still, with a few cocktails, it’s easy to fool yourself into thinking you’ve suddenly been transported to a neighborhood you probably only ever go to when family or friends are visiting, complete with annoying tourists stumbling around taking selfies.
The first time I visited, I was mentally unprepared and a bit gobsmacked at how accurate it all seemed at first. After the initial shock of feeling teleported back to the Bay faded, I immediately wanted a drink, so I headed straight for the Buena Vista, hoping to compare notes on their infamous Irish coffee. Sadly though, reality quickly crashed in, literally — the buildings are all just fronts, a movie set if you will. This is a theme park designed by a Hollywood film studio, after all. No overpriced Irish coffees for you!
As I walked around this fake Japanese alternate universe “San Francisco” in a bemused daze, I started to see the cracks in the façade. The streets were just a little too clean, and the air was missing that ocean smell, despite their web site proclaiming, “With its location right off the lagoon, this area enjoys the smell of sea air, just like the real port city.” Um, not quite.
Maybe I’ve spent too many hours playing Theme Park Tycoon, but I couldn’t help but think of all the missed opportunities here: Where’s the cable car themed roller coaster? Or at least a vomit-inducing 4D motion simulator ride of your crazy Uber driver taking the streets of Russian Hill just a little too fast?
Hell, if this were a Disney park, you’d know there’d at least be animatronic sea lions with annoying barking sounds played on hidden speakers on a continuous loop. Or character actors imitating the late, great “World Famous Bushman,” still startling unsuspecting Japanese tourists, despite passing away four years ago.
As a longtime San Francisco resident (and frequent traveler) I did realize something though — I’ve actually, um, been to the imitation Japanese version of Fisherman’s Wharf almost as many times as the real thing! I guess that’s what happens when you rarely play tour guide for visiting family and friends. Still, I have to admit, I feel quite a bit pride over the fact that I live in a city interesting enough that another country went through all the trouble to painstakingly recreate a near-exact replica of it — even if it’s a neighborhood I never actually go to.
Adriana Roberts is a DJ and performer with her Bootie Mashup parties, as well as a writer and trans influencer.
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Props to Secret San Francisco for spotting this one in April. We were happy to find a San Francisco resident who had seen this attraction up close.
