Weekends come, and weekends go. You could always go to Dolores Park for the thousandth time. Or you could shell out to visit SFMOMA. But there’s another, more unique option: you could tour SF’s strangest arcade games. And believe me, there are some batshit-crazy ones out there.
We’ve compiled the best of the best of these odd games (we’re talking next-level, “Who would come up with this?” weird). This weekend, we highly recommend falling down a quirky rabbit hole by visiting these locations with pockets full of quarters.
Musée Mécanique
Tell anyone you’re in Fisherman’s Wharf, and you’ll likely get looks of horror or pity. But wedged right by the touristy pier is a spot worthy of locals: the Musée Mécanique, part arcade from the 1990s with Skee-Ball and air hockey and part arcade from the 1910s with historic games that have hardly known the existence of electricity. Here are some of the strangest:
Opium Den: In this diorama, a quarter will buy you a racist depiction of gaunt Chinese figures smoking opium. As they smoke, skeletons start to shake from behind a door, and a crude snake-like demon appears. Nothing else happens. There’s no game beyond this. So really, the game could be called “Where did my quarter go, and how do I get it back?” But as an example of “Say no to drugs” propaganda, it’s pretty stellar.
See Naughty Marietta Do Her Stuff: Put in a quarter to see Naughty Marietta, who really isn’t very naughty by today’s standards. Place your eyes in a binocular-like contraption, and Marietta (tease that she is) shows up for almost no time at all. In the first image, she simply sits on a chair. Then she’s wearing slightly less clothing, her dress sleeve slightly askew. That’s all. Scandal.
XXX: For this risqué photo series, you lean forward into a binocular contraption again and see a well-lit office scene. Crank a lever to animate the photos, like an old flipbook. As you do, the story unfolds: a man tries to kiss a reluctant woman, possibly a female coworker, before she beats him for the final 90 percent of the slides. She lifts him up and throws him across the room. The thought of this being the closest thing to porn back in the 1920s is as depressing as it is hilarious. Ultimately, a friend joins in, and they beat him with an umbrella. #TimesUp.
museemecaniquesf.com—Pier 45, San Francisco
Brewcade
This bar and arcade in the Castro opened in 2014. It hosts the usual pinball, shooter and multiplayer arcade games from the not-so-distant past, but it also has a few unique standouts.
Killer Queen: Because of all its convoluted rules, this game takes 10 full minutes to learn. Essentially, two teams of five can try three different strategies to win, including by killing the enemy queen three times, by filling their hive with berries or by bringing a giant snail into their team’s basket. Naturally. Experience the joy of winning this game by watching Brewcade’s tournament winners from 2016. This may sounds like an old-timey game, but it was actually created in 2013, so we can’t blame the past for this one.
Buck Hunter HD Wild—Competition Grade: In this shooter arcade game, you get to shoot bucks, avoid does and get mauled by wolves. What could be more fun? This type of game is common enough, but the HD quality puts it squarely on this list. The game is “the most realistic and entertaining arcade hunting game ever created.” We always wanted the bucks we were shooting to be realistic, of course.
www.brewcadesf.com—2200 Market Street B, Castro in San Francisco
The Pacific Pinball Museum
This museum sits on Alameda, the island in the East Bay. In its history room, you’ll find pinball machines dating back decades and set to free-play mode. Here are the ones not to miss.
Queen of Hearts: The quirkiest pinball machine in the place, from 1952, involves the character we’re familiar with on card decks, but here she’s gotten a Playboy-model-esque makeover. Her skirt is short and translucent; her top is a bandeau. Lower down on the machine, a joker, fairly stripped down, crawls toward another Playboy-esque Queen of Hearts. The pinball machine even comes with a warning: minors are not permitted to play.
2001: You can really step into the future with this free-to-play pinball machine—or rather, see what people in 1971 imagined 2001 would be like. Men seemingly surf the air while wearing bodysuits. Women fly through space at their own peril. It’s a peek into the future without the people-glued-to-their-computers part. If only the game had accurately depicted 2001 and its contemporaneous dot-com crash. That’s a game we would have loved to play.
www.pacificpinball.org—1510 Webster Street, Alameda
Playland Japan
Enter Japan Center in Japantown and weave through the crowds of people holding crepes with faces on them until you find yourself in a tiny room with about a dozen coin-operated games. You’ll likely recognize Dance Dance Revolution, but there are many, many you will not be quite as familiar with.
Bishi Bashi: Essentially, this game asks you to smack your hand on buttons until they’re raw, consisting of mini challenges that you have to pass, like one in which you’re a chef and have to catch food (specifically, giant fish rolls flying from the sky). Another, more questionable level requires you to imagine you’re a paparazzo and that your job is to take photos of scantily clad women. Every time you do it correctly, the sketchy photographer turns back and gives you a thumbs-up and sticks out his tongue. Classy.
Super Table-Flip: This game, as the name suggests, revolves around getting angry and flipping a table—presumably because we all remember The Real Housewives of New Jersey. And the table isn’t virtual; there’s an actual small table that you lift up in a fit of rage. As you probably know from real life, table flipping is all about timing. Time it well, and your score gets higher. When you do, everyone flies backward, and your score goes way up.
japancentersf.com/shopping/playland-japan; 1737 Post Street #323, San Francisco
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