The current political mood eerily mimics the lead-up to every bad thing you ever read about in 10th-grade history. Despite this, you’ve managed to convince your parents that the Covid-19 vaccine will not contain a microchip allowing Bill Gates to track their mall walks. You donated more money than you can afford to the Black Lives Matter movement. You’ve contacted your senators to plead for mercy for the immigrant children still being cleaved from their parents and held in camps at the border. You’ve even attempted to engage in productive dialogue with your conservative friends via actual phone calls instead of traditional banshee screams on social media.
And absolutely nothing has changed.
Since you can’t seem to do anything to stop the country from falling into a xenophobic, plague-ridden hellhole, here are some supplements to help manage your stress while your country falls into fascism.
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Please note: This is humor, so don’t be taking medical advice from an online article.
Kava
No, this is not another word for champagne, sorry. Kava (sometimes called “kava kava” or “nature’s Xanax”) is an herb native to several Pacific Islands, where it is brewed into a tea to promote relaxation before formal ceremonies, such as the sacred rites of the ascension of the king of Tonga. In the United States, you can buy it at Whole Foods next to the vegan poop softeners. Brew it into a tea to help reduce the anxiety and physical pain sensations that come up when you read yet another headline about the president defunding the only government service that would deliver votes to remove him from office.
Rhodiola
This ancient, legendary herb grows in the northern reaches of Russia. Definitely get your hands on some before the alt-right co-opts it as another symbol of the burgeoning White ethnostate. (RIP, the OK gesture, the lambda, and the goddamn number 14.) Like some other herbs on this list, rhodiola is an adaptogen, which basically means that if you experience a stress-related burnout, it will help you bounce back by reducing your physical symptoms of anxiety and fatigue. It’s also a bit of an upper. So, the next time you go to a protest, get trampled in a cloud of pepper spray, and start to feel like Jon Snow on the rock ledge in that ice zombie episode of Game of Thrones, consider rhodiola your fire-breathing Drogon, swooping in to rescue you from the jaws of a thousand flesh-eating, blue-eyed devils.
Vitamin B complex
B vitamins are often sold in a spectrum, offering up to 2,000% of your daily value cyanocobalamin — a word so big we’re certain Trump couldn’t pronounce it even if he was given a custom copy of Hooked on Phonics. Taking high levels of B vitamins has been shown to reduce fatigue, improve mood and energy levels, and reduce homocysteine (that’s a stress-response amino acid, not the code name for the gay agenda). So, the next time you find yourself unable to tear away from a video of Alex Jones accusing a 19-year-old lifeguard at Barton Springs of being “unconstitutional” for not letting his wife play splishy-splashy at the pool during a global pandemic, pop a B complex. At least half the country doesn’t believe medical science is a left-wing conspiracy. Right?
Theanine
You know that neo-pagan friend you have—the one who gave up coffee three years ago and keeps posting WitchTok videos about how great she feels? Good news: You can hop on that train while still maintaining your kinda-atheist-except for-horoscopes stance. Theanine is an amino acid abundant in the most treasured of witch herbs, Camellia sinensis — aka “tea.” Specifically, having many cups of green tea per day is associated with both reduced anxiety and increased memory. This is helpful for memorizing the list of countries you plan to plead for refuge if Trump is elected to a second term and for reducing panic when you remember that none of those countries will let you in because you’re American.
Melatonin
Although melatonin is a naturally occurring hormone in your brain, its production is often blocked by fascism. Between the blue light of your laptop and the crushing sensation you feel after reading about the Tennessee government trying to imprison and strip the voting rights of the BLM protestors in front of the capitol building, you’re probably developing a tolerance to your body’s homemade NyQuil. The good news is you can get it in supplement form; it’s sold over the counter at every drugstore in town. So, the next time you read a bedtime story where Mitch McConnell equates BLM protesters with people who think masks kill Freedom™, you can still get a restful night’s sleep. (Can’t do anything for what waits in dreamland, though.)
Ashwagandha
Like rhodiola, ashwagandha is an herbal adaptogen that helps your body cope with ongoing, daily stress — such as hearing back-to-back headlines that Trump wants to not only ban TikTok (the free market app where most of America’s liberal youth is organizing) but also prevent an American company from purchasing it. Ayurvedic healers have been vouching for ashwagandha’s benefits for thousands of years, and it has been shown in modern studies to reduce negative symptoms of stress by 44%. The FDA may not have approved it for this use, but the FDA also allows up to 11 rodent hairs in that packet of spaghetti you had for dinner, so, you know. Wait, we like science. We don’t trust the government though? No, we do. Sometimes. Fuck. This is getting really hard.
Magnesium
When your #BernieBro friend starts talking about how there’s no way in hell she’s voting for Biden because “Kamala’s a cop,” don’t forget to pop some magnesium. Magnesium helps with muscle control and relaxation. So, even if Trump wins the 2020 election because the Democrats forgot what happened the last time they ignored their vast, angry, progressive branch in 2016, you won’t even twitch. Also note that taking a bit too much magnesium has the unwanted side effect of dank farts. While tempting, this will unfortunately do nothing to thwart the incoming stampede of neo-Nazis high on the ascension of their Führer to a second term.
