Forget surviving tornadoes — try stomaching five hours of 4DX. Watching Twister and Twisters back-to-back at Stonestown Galleria was less about the movies and more about keeping our drinks from flying out of the cupholders. And that’s only when we weren’t worried about getting launched out of our seats.
As movie experiences go, 4DX lives somewhere comfortably between novel film watching or an elaborate distraction from no plot. Not a lot happens in either film beyond CGI cyclones tearing up towns and making cows fly. Watching two guys lift off in a truck that later explodes made me wonder if it was this funny in 1996 — because we were all laughing. I think it’s because the characters are running toward a destructive force of nature instead of away from fatal stabbings by a psycho killer.
If you haven’t experienced 4DX yet: imagine your seat perched on a hydraulic rig, shaking with every car door slam, airplane arrival and cyclone alike, as air gusts around you, mist sprays your face, and strobe lights flash to simulate lightning. It’s an uneven experience between something like a James Bond film and Twister, where the latter is actually about the frigid air, wind, and rain needed to create an atmospheric event. I didn’t consider this when donning a rainbow tee and light sequin bomber.
I really had fun this weekend but equally, a lot felt worthy to criticize; Six of us went on Labor Day to the OG Twister, which reappeared at Regal Stonestown’s single 4DX screen following a lengthy residence of Deadpool & Wolverine. The consensus on exiting was that Helen Hunt had star power and, “Wow, that seat shaking was something.” The CGI for the 1996 film also felt pretty good 30 years later, but who could tell between the rattling around and literal shivering inside the theater?
You know what else held up? Jamie Gertz’s hair.
The plot for both films could fill a single postcard: Tornadoes destroy. Strong white women want them to destroy less, but they’re distracted by derpy men dressed in Ross Dress For Less button-up shirts. Corporate greed wants tornado money? But altruism wins.
I passed out little notebooks to everyone who came and said this was serious journalism, and I think many set out to give me OG Siskel and Ebert takes. Was Twister two thumbs up?
“I need a martini. COW,” wrote Aaron Bermillo. Added T. Von D., “More wind. Ow my legs.”
Paul Gallo was more than steamed at Twister’s homogenous white, heterosexual cast and unrealistic styling. “How many white boys does it take to catch a tornado?” he wrote, adding: “Helen gets her hair retouched every scene! What a way to generate money on a film worth $5.”
This is something that’d typically miff me, too, but mostly it reminded me of that time when every star vehicle in the 1990s was white and almost asexual in its storyline: Jurassic Park, Armageddon, Independence Day. Filmmakers were all about box office sales across every demographic, so for a film like Twister, all we see is one kiss between the two leads.
We all agreed the second Twisters was a letdown. The remaining three of us were tired at this point, but also the lead actors just generally gave us nothing. Daisy Edgar-Jones lived in the same tank top and khakis that Hunt rocked decades earlier but lacked all the panache. Her character, Kate, dramatically loses most her friends in the opening shots, and that leaves her understandably not that interested in chasing cyclones. IRL though she’s also 26 and lacking the experienced eyes of her predecessor.
These films are based on a novel by Michael Crichton, a famous 1980s and 90s author who loved to mix actual science with fantastical elements. So you know how Twisters honored that legacy? Diapers. Diapers would eventually bring down cyclones with their non-GMO ingredients. I want to know what paid flak gets to update a film Wikipedia page to say this one had “generally favorable reviews” — because I refuse to believe our expectations as a society are this low.
The saving grace of Twisters is Glen Powell, who everyone tells me is hot, but I mostly appreciated his much-needed charisma. His character Tyler mostly gives offensive misunderstood frat boy; there’s nothing especially charming here, but at least he’s trying with his line reads. Meantime I’ve never seen a more forgettable and lazily-written David Corenswet as the villain. He will actually be our next Superman, but in Twisters, “Forget that town, go back to the tornado!” Or something.
Listen — and I know you won’t believe me at this point — I’m not complaining. Regal Stonestown is a rare gem in an oft-dying mall culture, giving us sleek seating, boba tea, booze, and flashy films. I live on this side of the city and love easy access to entertainment, Target, and Trader Joe’s. I also learned on labor day you could actually preview the buzzy overpriced Apple Vision Pro at its namesake store in Stonestown. Honestly? This is immersive storytelling even though we look like such clowns.
I think an immersive Twisters with Vision Pro goggles inside a 4DX theater might be truly terrifying. Is it something I’m rushing out to experience? Probably not more than once a year. If you think it’s your moment to try out this sort of thing, Twisters plays in 4DX only a couple more days, then it’s onto Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.
Or you could just watch it on a normal screen, at home. After all, sometimes it’s nice to just watch a movie without feeling like you’re a part of it.
Saul Sugarman is editor in chief of The Bold Italic.
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