I had a friend in college who majored in film and whose first post-college job was working as a video editor for a spanking-fetish website. Given that his work email address was something to the effect of “rob@spankmytushy.com,” hiding it from professional contacts was fairly tough, to say the least.
At any given moment, there are at least several thousand job openings in the San Francisco Bay Area — and unsurprisingly, there are bound to be a few inexplicable openings. For every spanking-fetish website, there is a team of experts and professionals who design, run, manage and perform for that site. One of the most incredible revelations one can experience regarding an advanced capitalist economy is the realization that someone is getting paid to do these things. Professional trolls? Personal dating-profile writer and manager? That’s just the beginning. These days, you can get paid to do practically anything (and some gigs even border on illegal).
The Bay Area is full of eccentrics with money who are hiring people to play into their eccentricities. This is the first part of a monthly series exploring the best and most bizarre of the hiring market. If you’re looking for work, read with caution — these ain’t exactly dream jobs.
Online Dating “Manager”
What: This is it, folks — the dead end of outsourcing. The Sims, it turns out, wasn’t a game, but an omen. Some 29-year-old guy in Palo Alto is tired of all the “work” of dating. So you get paid to do it all for him — pretend to be him, swipe through dates for him, message and flirt as him and so on. Paid on commission or hourly (your preference).
The Good: It seems like mostly telecommuting.
The Bad: If he’s too lazy to date, what else is he too lazy to do? Go out for dinner? Drinks? Where does it end? (Read: bring a condom.)
(Note: Craigslist flagged this post for removal this week, unfortunately — or fortunately, depending on how much of a romantic you are.)
Operations Management Team for Armageddon
What: A nonprofit in Sausalito that finds Earth-threatening asteroids so that we can send Bruce Willis’s drilling team into space to blow them up and save the world.
The Good: In the event that they do find an asteroid, you’ll be on the front lines to stop it.
The Bad: As an operations manager, the scientists and engineers whom you manage will get the bulk of the glory, since most people don’t know that saving the world and managing the people who save the world are part and parcel. Though you’ll toil in obscurity, you and your family will know who the real hero is.
Laser-Tag-Party Host/Hostess
What: Facilitate the gaming experience of eager consumers of the pinnacle of mid-’90s bowling-alley technology.
The Good: You get tips!
The Bad: It pays only $10/hour. Also, the ad clearly states that applicants must have “a clean-cut appearance with no tatoo’s [sic], piercings, extreme hair color.” That rules out just about every Bay Area Millennial.
Drug Dealer
What: Be the brand ambassador of a medical-marijuana dispensary and delivery service. Ask potential buyers to “try” your product (the first one’s free), and earn cash when someone signs up for more. Wait … how is this different from regular drug dealing?
The Good: Who doesn’t like making people happy? Weed generally does that.
The Bad: The whole “the more you share, the more you earn” thing sounds vaguely like a pyramid scheme.Also, this is the kind of thing that millions of people were incarcerated for, so there’s a troubling social angle there.
