A little more than a decade ago, I went through a pretty rough breakup. Rough enough that it took me a very long time to completely get over it and move on, and emotionally taxing enough that I decided I didn’t really care to go through another one anytime soon.
So I didn’t. I spent 10 years as a mostly single person—one-third of my life so far, essentially. I casually dated for a decent amount of time but never really connected with someone on a serious or sustainable enough level that I would have felt even close to comfortable with calling them a bona fide significant other.
You can learn a lot during such a long stint of singledom. Everyone knows dating in the city can be brutal, so my approach may be worth embracing. Here are just a few of my takeaways (one being that during the holidays, the fact that you’re single is nothing if not a talking point).
1. A lengthy dry run isn’t necessarily a terrible thing.
If you’re not having sex, you’re at zero risk of contracting an STD, which is rather pleasant, especially if you’re perpetually anxious about such things. And when you finally bust out of your slump, you’ll appreciate sex a lot more—like, to the point that you find yourself high-fiving random strangers in the street and doing postcoital Snoopy Dances.
2. It’s all about perspective.
Take, as an example, the couples-only dance during a wedding reception. It can be a negative if you sit there at the table awkwardly gazing into the abyss and lamenting about how alone you are, or it can be a positive one if you make it an opportunity to see how many bacon-wrapped scallops you can consume from the hors d’oeuvre table or how many vodka sodas you can slam from the open bar before the chosen Celine Dion song ends.
3. Sleeping alone is pretty bomb.
So is doing whatever the fuck you want pretty much all the time without ever having to consider how another person feels. Empathy is necessary but can be inconvenient. That’s not to say there isn’t something to be said for having an attractive person lying next to you and being happy about it (if they don’t snore or toss and turn too much or whatever).
4. The single life is not always an inexpensive or glamorous one.
Especially when you have to break the bank to hit the Seamless delivery minimum, and it’s vaguely humiliating when the delivery person shows up with enough plastic cutlery for two or more people. (Also, how are you supposed to know which fortune cookie is meant for you if you get more than one?)
5. It’s easy to end up up on somebody’s “bench.”
Meaning, they kind of like you but not enough to seriously date you, so they keep you in mind as a “maybe” for the future. How do you know you’re on the bench? They drunkenly hit you up out of nowhere, to which it’s fun to respond by asking why it didn’t work out with the other person they apparently liked better than you — unless, of course, you’re open to coming off the bench and giving it another college try. (I’ve certainly been there.)
6. If you’ve had a great date and want to see them again, you’ll want to tell them as much.
Generally, it’s good to be up front. But it can also serve you well to play it cool, because some people freak out when their date is honest about, you know, actually enjoying their company right away. This seems crazy and terrible, and it is. But just because something is crazy and terrible doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
7. Agreeing to dinner on a first date is a terrible idea.
If it doesn’t go well from the start, you’ll find yourself locked into a full meal, which will be awkward at best and excruciating at worst. One time I was having a terrible first dinner date, and the woman I was with criticized me for not knowing what semen tastes like, making it one of the only negative experiences in my life so far that has involved dumplings. Just grab a coffee or a drink—you’ll thank me later.
8. It seems to generally take people about three or so months of quasi-dating before they really start to reveal who they truly are.
That’s about how long you can keep your weird shit somewhat bottled up and secret from a person you’re intimate with and spending a lot of time around. That honeymoon period is over when you both really figure out if you might be a fit for each other, quirks, flaws and all. Basically, it’s when the gimp suits get busted out.
9. If you’re not ready to date and you don’t feel like doing it, don’t force it.
There are too many things in life that we already do that we don’t really feel like doing (like laundry, working, getting out of bed in the morning, etc.), and dating does not need to be one of them.
10. Sometimes you’ll feel lonely.
That’s OK, and that’s normal. You will likely think about the past and what could have been with an ex. But every moment you spend on this, you could be doing other things, like practicing yoga or finding someone in the present. And when you do look back, remember to look at the whole picture—don’t edit out the sad or bad parts. Because if it didn’t work out, there are likely things you don’t miss too.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Aarti Shahani, technology reporter at NPR. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
