App culture

By Elsa Touche

Hookup apps are frustrating and difficult. And hurtful. And addictive, in a very unhealthy way. We all know this.

I don’t think I’m incredibly skillful at using the hookup sites and apps — I would rate my success level with them as moderate. But I do have plenty of experience. Honey, I’ve been sourcing tricks online since the days of AOL M4M chat rooms, and at various periods in my life, I’ve been a diligent and frequent user of Grindr, Scruff, Craigslist, Adam4Adam, and now Sniffies — which has all the frustrating and difficult elements of the aforementioned apps and sites, but which has an advantage: It places your neighbors and potential sex partners relatively precisely on a map. This has at least made my HOA meetings more interesting.

So what’s the problem? Don’t misunderstand me — I am definitely not sex-shaming. I identify as a slut; I love sex. And I love other sluts who love sex, and I want us all to have happy, slutty, sexy lives. But I worry that the apps are not actually helping us do that. They make us unhappy and frustrated because they aren’t helping us achieve our goals.

To avoid these pitfalls, I’ve developed some principles that help me better enjoy the apps. And keep in mind that they are principles, not rules. Principles are open to interpretation and personalization. Even I am sometimes not sure how to apply my principles. But the process of examining new situations and seeing how one can apply one’s principles is part of being an adult, and we’re all adults here, aren’t we? I thought so.

Principle 1: They are not just pictures of dicks. They are human beings.

This is something to keep in mind with all of our digital interactions, and it can be especially hard on a site like Sniffies. But let’s make an effort to be kind.

So how does one apply this principle? It depends! In social situations, you’ll find there are very few hard and fast rules (trust me: I once wrote an etiquette book). For one person, kindness might mean saying “No thanks” to every proposition he’s not interested in pursuing. Another might decide that an immediate block is kinder and more sensible than a “No thanks” that might encourage conversation. You might decide that a compliment deserves a response of some kind but that a one-word “looking?” message from an anonymous or picture-less profile doesn’t necessarily come with any obligations. (That’s about where I’m at.)

And you might have different rules for different apps. Apps like Scruff and Grindr seem to be more about chatting and literally “networking” than trying to locate someone to have sex with, so you might adapt how you behave.

As for me, I say “thanks” and “no thanks” liberally, but I don’t necessarily respond to blank profiles. I do preemptively block folks that I know I won’t get vibe with, meaning their preferred activities are not ones I enjoy; they’re very hot but their preferences clearly don’t include me; their profile is excessively negative; they’re my boss, and so on. I’m mostly talking about Sniffies here, because that’s where I go when I’m looking for sex.

Principle 2: You can’t take any of this personally. You really, really can’t. (I know this is hard.)

Remember, they’re all human beings. And some human beings have mental disorders and social problems. Forgive them, block them, and try not to allow anger into your search for sex and companionship. We’ve all come across profiles that are composed primarily of angry screeds about how awful men are, or ones that are stern lists about what not to do when contacting the profile’s owner. These profiles are not appealing! Don’t fall into the angry-at-the-world trap (or if you do, see Principle 3). So someone’s hurting your feelings? Block and move on.

Here’s a true story from my life: Several years ago, I hooked up with a guy I met on Scruff. We had great sex, and we agreed to meet again. He texted a couple times, and then he ghosted. I was annoyed, but c’est la vie. Or not, because through a Facebook post by a mutual friend (one I didn’t know we had), I found out that this man had actually, literally ghosted me — darling, he had fucking died. Which was tragic! But honestly, I find that it helps to assume, now, that this is the case every time someone ghosts me or disappears from my grid without warning. I mourn them in my fashion and move on quickly. And if they reappear — if they haunt me — I try to ignore them. I don’t actually believe in ghosts.

(Also weird: This guy’s profile is still on Scruff. In fact, his private album is still unlocked for me. It’s something to ponder — if you haven’t thought about giving a friend your hookup-app login info so they can go in and clear your presence when the unthinkable but inevitable happens.)

Principle 3: Take regular breaks from the apps.

This is easier said than done, and I understand that. But if the apps are making you unhappy, if you’re consistently not getting what you want from the apps, or if you’re in the midst of rewriting your profile to express how disappointed you are with the app that the profile is on, put down your phone. It’s time for a break, sweetie.

People use the apps for all sorts of different reasons (and these contradictory desires cause a lot of the hurt feelings out there — more on this when we get to Principle 4). Are you using the apps to find sex? Maybe change things up with a sex club or bathhouse (so retro!). Are you just looking to talk to people? Go out with some friends, take a class, find a social club. (Or are you just on there to collect pics and fuck with people’s minds and egos? Go straight to hell.) I believe that a problem with some of the apps is that they may satisfy homosexual urges but not homosocial ones — and our homosocial needs are important, too.

(If your app use is disrupting your life or relationships in a significant way, you may want to talk to a mental health professional.)

Principle 4: Limit your use to just one or two of the apps that you like.

Do you have five of the apps on your phone? Time to delete a couple. The apps are probably taking too much of your time. You’ve certainly found that the men repeat or that a couple of the apps don’t supply what you’re looking for. For instance, I got rid of Grindr last year — I think I aged out of it, but also it seems more for chit-chat, which (again) I get enough of in real life. I never successfully met a guy in IRL from Adam4Adam, so that was an easy delete. Do your own assessment.

Principle 5: Know what you want, and be clear about it.

For your own sake, be clear about what you want. For example, I rarely go to the apps to socialize or network. I go in the hopes of finding a sex partner — if not right very soon, then sometime in the near future. If you’re there to make new friends, we’re not a match, and we shouldn’t spend too much of our precious lives figuring that out. (And it’s not that I’m against meeting new people to socialize with. But, girl, I meet new people all the damn time.) I think that part of being respectful of others on the apps is getting to the heart of the matter relatively quickly.

Instead of “Sup?” you might try “I’m stuck at work till 5, but you look hot so thought I’d say hi! Sup?” How hard was that? (And don’t tell me you’re bored. People who say they are bored in their profiles or in their message … that’s an immediate turnoff. I know I’m not alone in this.)

Or instead of a picture of your butthole, you might start off a conversation with “Hi, I’ve got a couple of hours this afternoon that I’d like to fill with sexual pleasure. How are you doing?”

Easy, really. You can follow that message with that pic if you’re so inclined.

This is an area that I think could really stand some improvement, for all of us, and it’s why I think many of the apps are disappointing. We go on wanting something, and we don’t get it. But the thing is, most of us aren’t asking for what we want. This was a hard one for me to learn: Don’t be shy. Ask. We all know why we’re on Sniffies.

Elsa Touche is a San Francisco-based drag queen. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

The Bold Italic is a non-profit media organization that’s brought to you by GrowSF, and we publish first-person perspectives about San Francisco and the Bay Area. Donate to us today.