If you’ve been thinking that the middle of a pandemic feels like a great time to train for a marathon, adopt a puppy, start your own side hustle, or some other major shift to improve your life, you are not alone.
Despite the many challenges being thrown at us right now — as individuals, as a community, and as a global population — instead of taking it easy or giving myself space to cope, I’ve found myself compiling lists of lofty self-improvement goals.
When my employer asked us to work from home three weeks ago, prior to the Bay Area’s shelter-in-place order, I daydreamed about what so much more free time (sans commute) would mean for my productivity. I envisioned doing loads of laundry between video calls. I contemplated daily runs around Golden Gate Park under the grand delusion I’d use the time to train for a marathon. I fantasized about reactivating my Duolingo account and spontaneously working on my French. I could begin to write a novel. Perhaps, I could attempt macramé.
Apparently an international health crisis just isn’t enough of a challenge for me; I need to pile on the pressure of achieving bucket list items at the same time.
All these to-dos for myself stacked up despite how the ferocity of the news cycle made me want to do nothing but curl up with a block of cheese.
Apparently an international health crisis just isn’t enough of a challenge for me; I need to pile on the pressure of achieving bucket list items at the same time. And I’m not the only one. It’s clear from scrolling Twitter and talking to friends (in particular, female friends) that many of us are dealing with all of this uncertainty in the age of the coronavirus by attempting to better ourselves in various ways — ways that are often completely unachievable or stressful.
These include but are not limited to: taking creative writing e-courses, Marie-Kondoing entire apartments, studying — and perfecting — the art of transcendental meditation, baking Tartine-level sourdough loaves from scratch, starting a podcast, learning to watercolor, and adopting a puppy. The justification for the latter being that there will be plenty of time to train and bond with it since you’ll both be trapped inside your apartment for at least the next two weeks.
My drive for self-improvement, to seek opportunity amid chaos, feels weird, but perhaps it shouldn’t given where we live. In the Bay Area, optimization is a lifestyle bordering on religion. Efficiency and productivity are key life skills, and the companies that have sprung up along the peninsula have deep roots in helping us augment every area of our lives. I have apps to track everything from Muni routes to microclimates to my menstrual cycle. I count steps and tweak my commute in an attempt to urban hike my way to better health.
So perhaps it’s no wonder that my self-optimization has gone beyond an interest — or even a passion — to become a full-blown coping mechanism during this crisis. And, to be honest, I’m okay with it. It may not work for everyone, but it’s working for me so far. Hear me out: There is no greater pleasure in life — at least my life — than ticking an item off a to-do list, and the bigger the task, the more satisfying the strike-through. In a world where there’s a fresh piece of pandemic news to ingest every two minutes, finding ways to use my time most effectively gives me some control over something.
In the Bay Area, optimization is a lifestyle bordering on religion.
Plotting out goals for myself right now gives me something tangible — or at least, seemingly tangible — to focus on. It’s highly unlikely that jogging for a mile around the Upper Haight each morning will see me placing first at this year’s San Francisco Marathon (if it goes ahead as scheduled in July), but if it gives my mind a break from COVID-19 for 10 minutes, then that’s got to be a positive.
Of course, attempting to radically change myself and my habits to enhance my lifestyle during or post-apocalypse might make me feel good at the moment, but I’m aware it’s rife with potential pitfalls.
Putting too much pressure on myself to achieve during such a weird-ass time could lead to more stress, disappointment, and a sense of overwhelming failure. Beating myself up over killing a sourdough starter is not what my mental health needs right now, especially given the link between stress and our immune systems.
I recognized that spending too much time overthinking what we could or should be doing to improve ourselves prevents us from being in the moment and sitting with our feelings. This pandemic is a scary, unnerving, and hopefully once-in-a-lifetime situation. Like everyone else who’s used to having access to this city’s colorful spectrum of culture, eateries, and outdoor spaces, I find distinct discomfort in being still in normal times but especially during such a turbulent time.
My impulse to optimize is a reflection of my strong desire for control, but right now I need to balance knowing what I can control and what I can’t and making peace with that.
My family lives in Europe, and the thought of not being able to get back to them should the worst happen due to the current travel ban is a source of significant anxiety. It’s not helpful to be sitting with that feeling every waking minute, but I probably shouldn’t be trying to bury it under endless Sarah 2.0 projects either.
My impulse to optimize is a reflection of my strong desire for control, but right now I need to balance knowing what I can control and what I can’t and making peace with that. The best kind of self-improvement right now might just be to give myself grace no matter what I’m doing — no matter if it’s productive or not. It remains to be seen whether we self-improvement-aholics in the Bay Area are better prepared for this challenge or at a distinct disadvantage.
So, read every book on your bookshelf if you want to or attempt to learn German, but know that just staying healthy and doing your part to help stop the spread of COVID-19 is enough right now. Binging Netflix is enough. Sitting on the couch staring at your phone is enough. Curling up with a block of cheese is enough.
