The self-care movement has made it trendy to abruptly end “toxic” friendships and rid yourself of someone’s bad energy. But is it really necessary to cut someone out of your life completely if they have some bad tendencies or are sometimes draining? I argue: no.
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When I’m being honest, I realize that some of my most fun and memorable friends have been what some may consider toxic for a variety of reasons, whether they need more than they give or have a knack for drama. But everyone has their flaws; some are worth looking past, while others aren’t.
I agree that it’s good to have boundaries, but I don’t think drastically calling it quits on a friendship is always the most healthy or necessary move every time — sometimes, friendships need nurturing rather than admonishing. And if you have more good times than bad times with someone, that bond may be worth preserving.
In my experience, with the so-called toxic people I’ve decided to keep in my life, they rarely pass on an opportunity to have a good time.
There’s a pretty wide interpretation of who should be labeled as toxic — reasons range from a tendency to lie or embellish, manipulate, an inability to apologize, deal with conflict, or take responsibility for mistakes. These behaviors can truly poison a relationship; people who exhibit these traits can also be apathetic and controlling.
Personally, I’m okay with a low-key “toxic” person if they are only guilty of lesser infractions — qualities that aren’t exactly my favorite, but also aren’t that damaging, like taking more than they give, asking for a generous amount of your time and energy, being dramatic, or putting you in a bad mood sometimes. I’ve had plenty of friends who seem to have an endless stream of problems and want you to unpack their never-ending dilemmas while they refuse to take sound advice.
In my experience, with the so-called toxic people I’ve decided to keep in my life, they rarely pass on an opportunity to have a good time. They don’t judge me as harshly as more emotionally stable people do. They’re usually up for just about anything, and sometimes, all you need is compliance without caveats — someone to just say “Yes, let’s do it” without overthinking. Some spontaneous. Someone who prioritizes having fun rather than overthinking.
I met my first friend who I’d consider toxic when I was a teenager: Erin was consistently creating or connected to drama. She was also fun. Instead of getting sucked into the negative aspects of our friendship, l learned to focus on the positive.
I once stayed with a friend of Erin’s when I had traveled from California to New York. Erin had her friends’ band perform at one of my parties, and she gave me hefty discounts when I shopped at the boutique she worked for. We would go to restaurants, concerts, parties, the movies, and we often danced and laughed many nights away. There were times when her attitude or her issues were draining. But I learned how to ration my time with her instead of abandoning our friendship entirely. We remained friends for a decade, and I felt lucky to know her. I would probably still be friends with her today had she not moved across the country.
The most recent close toxic friend I had was Michelle. She was funny, smart, and articulate; initially, she wasn’t unwavering with her demands of my time, but she became that way. She attempted to monopolize my time by speaking on the phone for hours each day. During many of those calls, I would repeatedly say that I needed to go. I had asked her for space for months, but she wouldn’t budge. As a result, I let her know that I thought it was best for me to walk away. She reached out a few times, for as long as a year, after I had ended things. I would respond to her messages without asking her any questions in return. Eventually she stopped trying to reach me. That mostly lighthearted friendship lasted five years.
I was fulfilled in both friendships — it wasn’t always easy, but they brought fun into my life like others didn’t, and their support was unwavering. Friendship is a two-way street, and my toxic friends understood that. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without the friendships I’ve had with complicated people. They are often more interesting and more deep. They keep their guard down and they aren’t afraid to give honest opinions.
I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without the friendships I’ve had with complicated people.
With each friendship, I did a cost-benefit analysis and realized that some friends have toxic traits that I can withstand because the positives outweigh the negatives. But this is entirely different than being friends with a person who is toxic by definition. A friendship with a person who has textbook toxic traits can be really damaging, and lead to depression, anger, or anxiety, according to psychologist Kristen Fuller, MD.
But when a friend’s toxicity becomes overwhelming, I’d suggest “microdosing” your interactions with them: establish boundaries and manage their expectations. Avoid making toxic people your best friends or embedding them into the core of any friend group, because they have no qualms about overstepping boundaries.
When I’m truly happy, I can easily tolerate having toxic people nearby because I’m not looking for others to supply my happiness. When faced with adversity, I can be naturally inclined to make a friend or romantic partner a scapegoat. There are times when it’s in your best interest to walk away. I had asked my friend Michelle for space for months, but when her demands didn’t subside, we had reached an impasse and I had to end the friendship.
Whether you’re dealing with family members, co-workers, or friends, toxic people are going to be in your life. You don’t have the luxury of bailing on everyone.
How a relationship ends can determine how difficult it will be for both parties to move forward. If you’re ready to make a friendship past-tense because you’ve determined someone is more trouble than they’re worth, you could just repeatedly claim that you’re busy until your friend gets the message. That isn’t a bad strategy if confrontation makes you nervous; it’s one that works fairly quickly because people become allergic to those who are perpetually unavailable.
Explaining to your friend that things aren’t working is also acceptable, and allows for them to understand why the friendship is ending. Do whatever you think is best, just don’t completely ghost someone who has been supportive to you.
Some friendships can be opportunities to give you the tools to deal with the harmful people you’ll encounter throughout your life — the ones you can’t blindside, ghost, or block. Good friendships are precious and they can become scarce as your friends become preoccupied with their families and careers.
Examine if your alliances with toxic people are healthy and beneficial. Determine whether you’re dealing with adversity in your personal life that’s subconsciously making you more inclined to end friendships that could continue. Eliminating deserving people means living a life filled with missed opportunities, which is the antithesis of living your best life.
