People told me that college would be the best time of my life. And you know what, it wasn’t. Working to pay student loans and accepting that the only apartment I could afford came with a 65-year-old roomie and three cats opened my eyes real quick. So I’ll be damned if I let anyone convince me that my 20s are going to be a magical time filled with possibility and self- exploration. Ain’t nobody got time (or money) for that.
Graduation might feel all nice and comforting while your parents are in town, but be warned — it’s really just the calm before the shit storm that is finding your first real job. Despite the myth that we live in a new age where everyone can choose who they become and follow their passions, Craigslist doesn’t offer enough positions for dildo testers to make that true. Most of us have or will work some pretty shitty jobs and hopefully enjoy the experience a tiny bit. If not, I hope it leads you to something less horrible.
Since everybody’s gotta start somewhere, here’s a complete guide to your first job out of college:
Position Summary: Person who wants to be their own boss ’cause they heard it in a podcast
Requirements: A Netflix subscription and someone to pay for all of your shit while you’re making no money
Perks: Not bathing and free time to find yourself or develop a drug habit
Biggest Challenge: Affording your drug habit
Would Rather Be: Not impoverished
Position Summary: Person who wants to suck the fun out of their social media life
Requirements: Ability to make puns (or dick jokes) in less than 140 characters
Perks: Being the friend with the quickest response time on Facebook
Biggest Challenge: Paying rent
Would Rather Be: Bill Gates’ kid
Position Summary: Someone who likes coffee and not smiling
Requirements: Useless social science degree and ability to make pretty designs in foam
Perks: Making it rain free coffee on your friends
Biggest Challenge: Early work hours and finishing screenplay
Would Rather Be: Comedian
Position Summary: Someone who likes dogs and hates making money
Requirements: Legs
Perks: Having a year-round tan and a constant supply of Instagram gold
Biggest Challenge: Picking up a date after picking up dog shit
Would Rather Be: A dog
Position Summary: Someone who misunderstood the message of The Devil Wears Prada
Requirements: Daddy issues and attention to details
Perks: If you stick with it, you could personally assist someone cool
Biggest Challenge: Not poisoning your boss’s latte
Would Rather Be: Working at The Armory
Position Summary: Someone who uses a lot of emoticons in their emails
Requirements: High school diploma and the ability to be fake and not hate yourself for it
Perks: Working for a company you kind of like and eating all of their Luna bars
Biggest Challenge: Pretending the customer is always right
Would Rather Be: Cruise director
Position Summary: Someone who can stand kids and is not threateningly attractive
Requirements: Working nights and weekends and interacting with creepy dads
Perks: Snooping, kid food, and sometimes satellite TV
Biggest Challenge: Shitty kids
Would Rather Be: A kid
Position Summary: Someone who can hustle and get over wearing nonslip shoes
Requirements: High tolerance for sexual harassment and the ability to lift up to 25 pounds
Perks: Discounted food and buff arms from carrying trays
Biggest Challenge: Not getting caught rolling around naked with your tip money
Would Rather Be: On Food Network
Position Summary: Someone who can lie to people about how they look
Requirements: Interest in fashion and talking to people who aren’t listening to you
Perks: Not working that hard because almost no one gets promoted
Biggest Challenge: Resisting the urge to slap customers
Would Rather Be: Anything else
Position Summary: Someone who is vague
Requirements: Must be decent looking and have seen too many episodes of The Hills to think any other job will suit them
Perks: Getting plastered and calling it networking
Biggest Challenge: Paying for your Bebe dresses
Would Rather Be: A MILF
