By Zoe Kurland and Claire Jia

Though we’re facing a litany of frights near-daily, there’s nothing scarier than missing your fave holiday, Halloween! Lucky you, your office is having a virtual party to celebrate All Hallows’ Eve, and although your Carole Baskin costume may not have worked out as you had planned (anyone need a mannequin doused in sardine oil?), here are 2020’s greatest hits in costume form to ensure that you impress and cybersex your office crush.

1. Zoomer

Business on the top, party on the bottom! This Halloween, you’re going as a human mullet, aka a Zoom office worker. Wear a suit on your top half, then stand up and impress the office hottie Devon with your adorable pajama pants. “I can afford Ann Taylor but I also know when to have fun!”

2. Animal Crossing villager

You’ll need a triangle nose, some household object (ideally an axe), and no joints in your arms or legs. Now you finally have an excuse to invite Devon to your island, but don’t mention the fact that you fracked all over Meghan’s island like a tiny oil tycoon and left her completely bereft.

3. “Tenet”

To make this costume work, you’ll need to wear a suit and walk backward the entire duration of the party. Devon is a huge Nolan head and has been talking about Tenet since the before times, so this should really reel him in. If you get drunk enough, you can tell Devon that the two of you have had a torrid affair in the future.

4. Sourdough starter

All you need for this costume is a beige leotard and large mason jar to sit inside of like the little ball of dough that you are. Make everyone in the office think you’re the bread aficionado, not your co-worker Meghan who will not stop posting her (incredibly gorgeous) pretzel knots on Instagram.

5. Sexy Fauci

The man, the myth, the legend. Get yourself some 2007 wire-frame glasses, a blazer, and some lingerie. Just make sure to avoid chatting with Meghan, who tested positive after going to a socially distanced Diplo concert and won’t stop talking about it. Offer to take Devon’s vitals in a private Zoom chat, since, well, he’s “technically married” to Meghan and might have gotten Covid from her.

6. Childhood bedroom

You’ve become pretty recently reacquainted with your childhood bedroom after your ex kicked you out of his place, so you know what’s up. Deck yourself out in alt-boy band posters, friendship bracelets, and birthday cards from your grandparents. According to Devon’s Facebook he was a massive Fall Out Boy fan in ’09, so make sure Pete Wentz makes an appearance on one of your butt cheeks. Meghan seems like one of those preppy girls who listened exclusively to Hilary Duff, so this is your chance to prove you’re not like the other girls (who are married to him).

7. The fly on Mike Pence’s head

Grab that pink training bra from ninth grade and your ex-boyfriend’s hoodie to make this clever look a reality. If you just keep saying “Buzz buzz, Pence stinks,” people should get it. Say that you might land on Meghan, implying that she smells like poop and reminding everyone that she clogged the office toilet right before lockdown.

8. Cake

Remember that hour in July where everything was cake? That onion? Cake. That basketball? Cake. Your ex? You wish he was cake. You’re going to want to make an arm-shaped cake, hide your real arm, and then attach the cake arm to your body. The office will go wild when they see you slice your own hand off! And even crazier when you offer “your hand” (in marriage) to Devon.

9. X Æ A-12

Grimes and Elon Musk had a baby. He’s half-robot, half-woodland nymph, so for this one you’re going to want to carry a few branches scavenged from your yard and decorate your desk chair like a spaceship. Now you finally have a use for the SpaceX laptop sticker your ex gave you when he was hired last fall. Right out of college. Ask Meghan repeatedly if she’d like to be the first to take a one-way trip to the moon.

10. Connell’s chain

Remember Normal People? The Irish sex show? Dress up as the real star, the chain around our emotionally unavailable hero Connell’s neck, by wrapping yourself in aluminum foil and speaking in an Irish accent. Meghan and Devon are already planning to dress as Marianne and Connell, but if you can make it clear to Devon that you want to be wrapped around his neck, that won’t matter. That chain outlived the show but Daisy Edgar-Jones? A thing of the past (summer 2020).

11. Addison Rae Romano

The ultimate mashup of TikTok star Addison Rae and everyone’s favorite loveable shmuck, Ray Romano. You’re going to want to invest in a pair of booty shorts, a crop top, and a five o’clock shadow, then do the “Savage” dance while spewing some famous Romanoisms such as “If my father had hugged me even once, I’d be an accountant right now.” You’ve heard through the office grapevine that there’s been chilliness between Devon and Meghan over what to binge next. She wants Emily in Paris, but he wants Everybody Loves Raymond. This outfit will tell him you’re current but also have a deep respect for the classics (did Christopher Nolan direct this show? Close enough).

12. Six feet apart

All you’ll need for this costume is six fake feet to hang on your body. Then you’ll be six feet and apart from everyone else because unlike Meghan and Devon, you’re zooming into the party alone. You are so very alone. This is a good costume, but it will be a GREAT costume on the off chance that the rumors are true, and Devon has a foot fetish. Meghan only has two feet. You win.

13. “Imagine” video celebrity

Remember when a random collection of celebrities sang “Imagine” in their beautiful homes? Grab a brunette wig and a maroon turtleneck and you’re the spitting image of Gal Gadot. Then, choose one line from Imagine and sing it over and over again, just a little off-key. Remember, you’re a celebrity, NOT a singer!

Imagine Meg and Devon…
Getting a divorce…
Yoo hoo ooh ooh ooh…

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