My nose is dangerously close to an armpit that is not mine. With each stop, a backpack hits me in the boob (the left one). Someone is listening to the Hamilton soundtrack and singing along loudly. I just wish my forehead would stop sweating while I try to avoid touching the mystery liquid on the floor, which is either a bodily fluid or melted mayonnaise.
Commuting on BART every weekday morning means I usually have seen some serious things before 8:00 a.m., and all I have are my thoughts to survive. Here are the 14 most important thoughts I had during my last 41-minute journey.
1. We are all very close to each other in here. Many parts of my body are touching parts of other people’s bodies.
Did I put on deodorant? *Subtly takes a whiff* Unclear.
2. If I forgot, will my pheromones help me attract the love of my BART life?
Weirder things have happened here. Much weirder.
3. This constant jerkiness is kind of making me dry-hump the guy reading a library book in front of me.
Hello, sir. Are you the love of my BART life?
4. Dry-humping is way underrated in adulthood.
I am going to start a movement for more dry-humping #HumpLikeAPieceOfChalk.
5. It’s getting hot in here. Really hot.
Should I take off all my clothes or remove just my jacket? Either way, I risk injuring 5.5 people with one elbow. I will just sweat it out and pretend I’m in a crowded sauna. Zen.
6. A SEAT IS OPEN!
This is the most exciting moment of my BART life.
7. This guy next to me is seriously man-spreading.
Does he realize it’s an implicit act of dominance rooted in patriarchal privilege and that it’s perpetuating the idea that women should take up less space?Should I tell him this?
8. What condiment is that on the turquoise-barf-colored seat to the left?
Mustard. Definitely mustard.
9. Issa Rae is so goddamn brilliant.
I definitely want to be friends with the woman watching Insecure in front of me. Maybe best friends. Maybe lovers.
10. Can Man-Spreading Man smell my fart?
I hope so.
11. Is someone eating a taco on this train?
I think it just smells like a taco.
12. A haiku for this moment.
Really have to pee.
Hope no one hits my knee cap.
Or else it’s comin’.
13. Did I date that guy in the corner in 2013?
And will he let me pop his neck pimple?
14. Are we there yet?
Get me the fuck out of here.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Jessica Alter, founder of Tech for Campaigns. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
