Vine is a free app that has been acquired by Twitter that allows you to share up to six seconds of automatically looping video. Vine says the idea is that “constraint requires creativity,” but I think the idea is more like bitches love GIFs. The app looks a lot like things we’ve seen before and is almost like if Instagram drunkenly hooked up with Snapchat and then it ended up all over Tumblr just to make Facebook jelly. Are you still with me?
For all attention-catching purposes, videos and GIFs shit all over photos. When I come across one on my Tumblr dashboard I start hearing a techno “unst unst unst” in my mind and I am powerless to look away. I worry that the same people who make GIFs of flashing colors, animals, and looped penetration will also have access to this app and assault my eyes forever. My fear has driven me to write the following list explaining why Vine might not be cool after its first six second run.
1. Some moments don’t need a video.
Even if it’s only six seconds, some moments don’t even need a tweet. I don’t want Vine to delude people into thinking their tweets about “a relaxing day” are somehow more interesting now. No matter how cute and model-y your girlfriend might be, no one cares.
2. Looping videos are creepy.
I don’t want to feel like I’m always at a warehouse party, where there is a random movie inexplicably projected on the walls. As much as I like Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, I really don’t want to be reminded of that creepy boat scene.
3. Conversations in GIFs are annoying as balls.
If the internet has taught me anything, it’s that when people have the chance to subsitute a meme of GIF for words, they will. It’s annoying. Use your words, internet.
4. If I don’t like one of your Instagram photos, I won’t like six seconds of your life on Vine.
I fully accept that life is all a game to get more likes than other people on all of your social media, but I think Vine could encourage people to capture moments I already don’t want to see. If I was bored after one of your Hawaiian vacation photos, I definitely am not the right audience for your high speed slide show of your Christmas vacation.
5. Don’t trick me into looking at your kids*.
I like scrolling past videos of your kids. I know you think they’re cute because they came out of your body or whatever, but it seems unfair to catch my eye with a flashy six seconds looping video of your kid sort of smiling. If I’m going to watch your kids, they better be at least as cute as these ones and it wouldn’t hurt if they wore silly knitted hats. *My angst also applies to cats, action figures, and coffee pouring.
