Photo by oriolsalvador
We’ve all done it. Said something and cringed with instant regret as soon as the inappropriate, condescending, or random words leave your mouth. You can try and play it down with awkward laughing, claim you were just kidding, or apologize and break eye contact indefinitely, but you will always be remembered as the person who said “YOLO” at a funeral.
I know it’s hard to resist the allure of adding chunks of snappy catch phrases to the word vomit of your life. And I’m not innocent in all this. I’ve been known to throw around “totes” and “peeps” way too frequently. But I’m ready to turn over a new leaf and you can too! Join me in boycotting these tired and annoying phrases:
1. Yay me
If you catch yourself saying any combination of sounds that is, or has ever been, a Disney Channel star’s catch phrase. Seriously rethink your life choices.
2. _____ on steroids
It might be possible to trace this phrase back to someone funny, but it isn’t actually very funny. If you find yourself about to use this comparison to describe your new juicer, substitute a more precise word like bigger or stronger, instead of causing me to imagine your juicer with huge biceps and tiny shrunken balls.
3. No problem
Did I say there was a problem? This phrase isn’t equally annoying for everyone, but for some people it’s reason to throw down. Problem.
4. Double reallys
This sounds like “Really? *pause* Really?!” It seems to be a way of addressing the universe and asking in disbelief if there really is a line at Jamba Juice and if some one should really have to be suffering through such an injustice. It’s really irritating.
5. Not gonna lie
Wait, how long has lying been on the table? I was kind of assuming you weren’t gonna lie, so maybe skip saying that. It doesn’t soften the blow of whatever you’re about to say, a la “no offense.” It just makes talking to you take longer.
6. Sorry, not sorry
It would probably be easier to say nothing at all than to say something and then instantly take it back just to make sure your vocal chords are still functioning.
7. Wait for it
It’s for your own good that you stop using this phrase ASAP. All you’re doing is raising expectations for whatever you say next, and making me super disappointed when you end up saying “boobs.”
Note: This phrase can occasionally be funny if it comes before a fart, but it really depends on the fart.
8. I may or may not be…
This always means you are. Just say that you will be getting shwasted and watching The Lion King this Friday night instead of trying to be coy. That way I’ll know how to react and probably even join you.
