BUILDING MANAGER: Feel free to look around the unit, and let me know if you have any questions. Did you bring all the requisite paperwork?
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I think so. I have a renter’s résumé, a letter of recommendation from a past landlord, a copy of my recent bank statement and my credit report.
BUILDING MANAGER: Great. I’ll also need the names of five people who have lived with you who can serve as character references. You know, how well you separate compost from otherrecyclables, how loudly you play music — all the normal stuff. Do you have any questions for me?
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: Does this unit get much natural light? There’s just the one small window, and it seems pretty dark in here.
BUILDING MANAGER: We haven’t found this to be a problem for other tenants. It’s pretty foggy in the city — you don’t move here for the sunlight, right? There are, as you might have noticed, 20 outlets placed strategically around the unit, enabling you to charge and power your various devices—including a lamp, if you so chose.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: OK. My phone says it’s not getting any service …
BUILDING MANAGER: Not to worry. We’ve found that the Apple Watch still works perfectly fine.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I don’t have an Apple Watch.
BUILDING MANAGER: Really? In that case, I’m not sure what to tell you, other than I’d recommend getting one. In terms of other amenities in the complex, there’s no parking or laundry onsite. Smoking is prohibited — cigarettes, that is. Pot is fine, of course.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: Do you have any bike storage?
BUILDING MANAGER: Sure. There are plenty of poles on the street that should work. Or you’re welcome to store your bike up here, if you don’t mind the six flights of stairs.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I see. And this room is the whole unit? I don’t see a stove or a fridge —
BUILDING MANAGER: That’s correct. We found that none of our other tenants really used their kitchens, since companies typically provide three meals a day, so we removed them. We do offer a communal Whole Foods fridge on the first floor.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: The fridge is owned by Whole Foods?
BUILDING MANAGER: No, the fridge is for food from Whole Foods.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: What about food from other stores?
BUILDING MANAGER: Which other stores?
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I guess Trader Joe’s, and I saw a Safeway not too far from here …
BUILDING MANAGER: I wouldn’t recommend it. If other residents need to make room for their Whole Foods items, it’s within their right to throw out your non-Whole Foods groceries. It’s in the lease. You’re welcome, of course, to bring your own fridge into this unit.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: OK. And I see a toilet and a sink in the corner, but where’s the shower?
BUILDING MANAGER: Generally, our tenants take advantage of the locker rooms at their offices. We do have a hose in the garden that residents can use in a pinch, but we would advise against making this a regular habit. We try to be drought conscious here. Every time you use the hose, you’ll need to log your time on our online database, and this charge will be added to your monthly water bill.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I see. What about nearby bus lines?
BUILDING MANAGER: Absolutely. The Google and Facebook shuttles pick up just a few blocks away.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I just meant the normal bus.
BUILDING MANAGER: Hmm, that I couldn’t say. Your company doesn’t have a shuttle?
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I’m actually moving here for grad school. I’m getting my MFA.
BUILDING MANAGER: Your MBA?
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: No, MFA. Master of fine arts. In creative writing.
BUILDING MANAGER: Oh. And that will help you to get a job as a technical writer?
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: No, not necessarily. That’s not why — I’m working on a novel.
BUILDING MANAGER: Oh, I see. I was in a Barnes & Noble once, back when those still existed. Or maybe it was a Blockbuster. Have you pitched your book to any investors yet?
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I mean — that’s not really how it works. Once I’m finished I’ll start querying literary agents —
BUILDING MANAGER: Well, that’s neither here nor there. How are you planning to pay rent?
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I’m working as a freelancer now, and my classes are at night, so I’m planning to find full-time work once I move to the city. I also have savings and can provide a cosigner if need be.
BUILDING MANAGER: Any stock options? Investments in companies that have received at least Series A funding?
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I don’t — no, sorry.
BUILDING MANAGER: Any apps?
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I mean, I’ve filled out applications before but … yeah, I didn’t think that’s what you meant.
BUILDING MANAGER: Well, this is a first. Just so you’re aware, we typically look for tenants who are making six times the monthly rent of $3,000, or $216,000 annually. I suppose if you had a few friends who wanted to go in on this unit together, the owner might be amenable to that. You have maybe 100 square feet total, so you could probably fit two sets of bunk beds in here.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I’ll have to think about it.
BUILDING MANAGER: We’re planning to have the lease signed by the end of the day. We’ve had 35 applications since this unit was posted yesterday. You’re last in line, but if the other 34 applications fall through, maybe we’ll give you a call.
PROSPECTIVE TENANT: OK. Thanks for your time.
BUILDING MANAGER: You’re welcome. And if I could give you a piece of advice? You should probably learn to code.
*Somewhat true
