It’s trying times for your average heteronormative man. No one holds a door open for you. You never get to be the little spoon. And when it’s cold out, you’re expected to simply thrust your beard into the wind and bear it.

Popular culture and chivalry have misled us. Men feel cold too, and it’s time we pity our brothers turning blue.

Take notice of the men around you. Does your deskmate, Dave, just have rough and bumpy skin, or are those goosebumps? Does your boyfriend submerge his arms elbow-deep into his pockets just to show off that he has pockets, or is the brisk winter air turning him into a meat popsicle?

Next time you see a #ColdBoy fight the urge to bundle up (like a woman), send him this comprehensive list of fashion do’s and don’ts so he can retain his body heat and his masculinity.

Blankets

Grandmas make them. Mothers give them to their daughters for Christmas. Teen girls wear them to school for a look that says “physically I’m here, but mentally I’m still in bed.”

Grown men, on the other hand, are reserved only two kinds of blankets: a large jersey comforter in tones such as “desert sandstone” or “stonewashed eucalyptus” and a tartan throw blanket to adorn a leather armchair.

How limiting! Neither of these options is appropriate for work or any activity outside of sleeping.

If you find yourself in need of a blanket, consider the following:

Acceptable

• Blankets with a camo pattern.
• Blankets emblazoned with your favorite sports team’s logo.
• Any blanket in a subdued color worn as a cape (never on the lap).
• A small blanket disguised as a napkin.
• A napkin.
• Just put on another jacket.
• Try making your blood run hot.
• Do pushups.
• Watch Nadal defeat Federer.
• Did you try “the old-fashioned way”? (I’m not sure what “the old-fashioned way” is, but my dad is always referencing it.)

Situationally acceptable

The below options are acceptable on a case-by-case basis:

• A knit blanket your mother made for you, and only in private. But if someone sees you with it, act super confused and be all like, “Whoa, wut?! How’d that get there?”
• Flannel-patterned blankets. But only for decoration near you, never for use.

Never acceptable

Don’t even think about it.

• Blankets with tassels.
• Anything purchased from Anthropologie.

Outerwear

Have you ever been to Ireland? Or a major Midwestern metropolitan area? If you have, and it was below 50 degrees while you were there, you will probably recall having seen many ruddy men in T-shirts pretending that the testosterone in their blood was so dense as to form a protective shield from the biting wind. (I’m looking at you, men of Michigan.)

Was that man you?

You’ve come to the right place.

You’re safe now.

Check out this list of neat outerwear options so you can weather the weather in true Midwestern style.

Acceptable

• A wax jacket that you can never wash.
• A denim jacket that you can never wash.
• A leather jacket that you can never wash.
• A bomber jacket made of urethane that you can wash and poison waterways with.
• Anything you hunted and skinned.
• Anything from Eddie Bauer.
• Ponchos — the super-thin ones that make anyone look fat and sad.
• Dense body hair.
• A layer of beer stored around the midsection.
• Try saying, “This is nothing. I’m from the Midwest.”

Situationally acceptable

• Fleece, if it’s ironic.
• Retro windbreaker, if it’s ironic.
• A brightly colored puffer coat, if you’re researching Adélie penguins in the Antarctic tundra.
• Corduroy, in tan or blue.
• Peacoats, only if you were, at some point, a contestant on The Bachelorette.
• Hoodies, if you’re one of those guys who test-drives Cruise cars around the city.

Never acceptable

• Anything A-line.
• Leather jackets with those zippers that zip to the side.
• Cardigans from the men’s section at Forever 21.
• Jackets with fewer than four pockets.
• Jackets with more than eight pockets.
• Anything that cinches at the waist.

Headwear

50% of your body heat escapes from your head. Is that true? Probably not. But it’s something my verbally abusive and hypermasculine soccer coach used to shout when we didn’t wear our team beanies. Either way, a nice warm hat can make all the difference on a blustery day.

And balding men, rejoice: There are lots of options here!

Acceptable

• Oakland Raiders beanie.
• Seattle Seahawks beanie.
• 49ers beanie.
• Carhartt beanie.
• A super-tight black one that looks like it’s eating your head.
• One of those rolled-back beanies that show off your little button ears.
• A neckbeard that’s grown a little out of hand.
• Noise-canceling headphones that you’ve shoved a handful of cotton pads into.

Situationally acceptable

• The hood of your hoodie. Some people look really cool with their hood up. Are you one of those people? No, I mean really look in the mirror and ask yourself.

Never acceptable

• L.A. Raiders beanie.
• Fuzzy earmuffs.
• Fluffy earmuffs.
• Earmuffs in general, unless you’re a professional European soccer player.
• Headbands, unless you’re a professional European soccer player.

Handwear

Acceptable

• Black, no-nonsense gloves.

Situationally acceptable

• There is only one situation, and that situation is snowshoeing through Appalachia.