There’s this theory that says that every story ever told has the same set of character types: the hero, the villain, the sage, etc. There’s also this theory that “all men are the same.” One of these is backed by legit research; the other is an age-old adage passed from woman to woman over a stiff drink. As an avid reader and somewhat less avid dater, I’ve found that there’s a point at which these theories meet — over a cup of coffee.
Mr. Darcy
You heard about the new guy on your co-work floor from the woman in the office next to yours. Apparently, he earns a “good salary” and came here from Chicago to visit that chirpy sales guy down the hall. You see him, straight faced and brooding in the kitchen area, microwaving a cup of noodle. You hear your mother in your head, “Oh, the poor thing! He must not be married.” Archaic gender stereotypes aside, you consider giving him your number. It is, after all, a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a cup of noodle must be in want of a date.
Severus Snape
You don’t usually go for long-haired guys in monochromatic wardrobes, but he knew so much about cooking when you started chatting on Tinder that you had to see if he was for real. All it takes is one glass of wine in his drafty basement apartment for him to start complaining about how the Bay was so much better “before” — before what, you don’t know. He just stops there and gestures dramatically. After the second glass of wine, he starts telling you about the girl who broke his heart. They would’ve been so good together, but she ran off with someone else — some tech bro from the Valley. They’re going to have a kid together. When you try to change the subject by asking how long he’s been into cooking, he simply stares at you, and in a long, snooty drawl, he says, “Always.”
Clark Kent
You love his glasses and sweet-faced expression in his Tinder photos. He’s from a small part of the Bay you’ve never heard of, out past one of the end-point BART stations. You go on a few dates, and he’s just as sweet in person as you gathered from your texting exchanges. He works hard and gives a whole-hearted damn, and behind those glasses he’s handsome as hell. Unfortunately, all his desire to save the world means he’s constantly disappearing on you. You guys bumped into his friend outside Tartine one morning, who called him “Kal-El.” When you asked about it, he nervously mumbled something about an inside joke before pointing at the sky and yelling, “Look! It’s a plane!”
Enthusiasm for passing aircraft aside, you can’t shake the feeling that he isn’t everything he claims to be — or that there’s more behind those glasses than he’s telling you. Despite his potential for being super-great, you decide you need someone who isn’t going to keep secrets.
Jay Gatsby
This guy is constantly throwing crazy parties, and it seems like half the Bay shows up every time. Drink in hand, hair swept out of his face, wearing an easy smile, he’s exactly the type of smooth talker that you daydream about. Well…he looks like he would be. Unfortunately, every time you try to start a conversation, he stares out over the water at the lights on the Bay Bridge…and then just keeps staring. When he finally does talk to you, it’s to ask if you think God wears glasses.
Your friend who brought you to this party says that no one is sure how he affords to keep throwing these parties, but it doesn’t seem like anyone cares. You decide you’ve had enough and throw deuces at the whole affair as you catch the last BART to the East Bay from the city. You’d rather be home reading anyway.
