Today is the holiday of love and crusty heart candies that taste like your birthday cake from 1995. It’s a day that makes you consider if any of your crushes has romantic potential too. Whether you’re single, coupled or something in between, here are all the San Francisco men you’re currently crushing on (if that’s your thing, of course) and instructions on how to woo them so you don’t die alone.
Your Mysterious Muni Regular
Defining physical attributes: Sports ironically large headphones (convenient since his beanie doesn’t cover his ears), black jeans and a black shirt. Always eating a pickle in a paper towel when he steps on the bus at Geary and Divisadero.
Last seen: Alternating between Instagramming a photo of a poem he wrote on the Notes app on his phone titled “Octopus Summer” and editing his Tinder tagline—“DJ Broomstick looking for love”—while the 38R goes down Geary.
How to woo him: The way to this man’s heart is validation. Compliment his shitty poetry with your own mysterious Instagram comment, or ask him what the inspiration for his newest DJ set is. Wear your own ear-less-covering beanie, and ask yourself, “WWNPIGSD?” (what would Natalie Portman in Garden State do?) before every Muni ride with him — because that’s what he thinks he’s looking for.
The Scooter-Cruising Tech Bro
Defining physical attributes: Dons a dirty T-shirt, $300 sneakers, a backpack and no helmet. Obviously, he’s on his scooter — this man is a fifth-grader trapped in an adult man’s body.
Last seen: Zooming past you on your walk to work, the wind blowing his hair, nearly running over your right ankle.
How to woo him: As they say, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. This dude wants a girlfriend who is basically his bro but also romantic. You must work in tech, wear the same brand of sneakers, sport a backpack and ride electric scooters. If you really want to impress him, invite him over for dinner, and surprise him with a bowl of Lucky Charms, letting him know that he can have as many helpings as he wants.
Your Lyft Driver with the Jolly Ranchers
Defining physical attributes: Wears fashionable glasses that he’s not allowed to drive without and slippers (that you’ll never see because they’re under the dashboard). This guy is partial to padded bike shorts to ease the discomfort of driving for hours. He has a center console full of Jolly Ranchers and plays soft-jazz music to drown out his toots from his recent lentil-heavy lunch.
Last seen: Driving you and your drunk housemates home from that show on Saturday night when you begged him to play Rihanna.
How to woo him: This guy needs a romantic adventure. Sit up front, change the destination to Mexico City, and scream “Ride or Die.” Don’t forget to offer him snacks and drinks.
The Cannabis-Shop Manager
Defining physical attributes: A beard longer than summer squash, more hairless than a potato, wearing a vintage D.A.R.E. T-shirt and two nose rings.
Last seen: Scratching his beard while taking a hit from his vape pen and offering emotional support to his pet psychic on the phone outside his shop.
How to woo him: Tell him your ailments — from anxiety to insomnia to your current yeast infection—and be open to a full consultation on which strains of cannabis can pacify them. Also, gift him a box of Girl Scout cookies.
The 24-Year-Old Start-up Founder
Defining physical attributes: Sports jeans his mother picked out for him, glasses his dad picked out for him and a hoodie with his company name on it.
Last seen: In your improv class — he’s the one who’s taking the class to improve his social skills but can’t go one scene without incorporating semen into it.
How to woo him: Let him steal your jokes in class, offer to freelance for his company website, and accept his invitation to Sunday-night dinner with his roommates—who also happen to be his parents.
The Seal at Fisherman’s Wharf
Defining physical attribute(s): Balding, freckled and with a propensity for nudity, he’s put on some winter weight, but he’s still cute.
Last seen: Lying in the sun, rolling over once an hour and barking obscenities at seagulls and tourists.
How to woo him: Let him eat fish out of your mouth. I’m talking whole fish — tail in between your teeth. This move will drive him wild and guarantee a kiss.
