The emotional roller coaster that is 2020 is affecting every part of our lives — and it surely extends to our sex lives. Our desires and libido don’t exist in a silo; for us to feel in the mood, we often have to feel balanced, calm, and generally okay. Does that not describe your mental state? Makes sense. Given the current state of our world, our nervous systems are most likely off-kilter — and this can definitely affect our sex drives.
“In an optimal scenario, we would exist in a time and space where our nervous system is balanced,” says Kate Balestrieri, a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy, a company that focuses on creating safe spaces to discuss sexual relationships. “It helps to have enough going on to feel passionate and excited, but not overwhelming to the point of being anxious, obsessive, or angry.”
Bottom line: Mental health and our sexual relationships are closely intertwined. If you’re experiencing an off-balance, you’re not alone. And whether you’re single or partnered, this off-balance can cause even more stress and anxiety. So what can you do to manage whatever it is you’re going through in a healthy way? We asked sex experts to weigh in.
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You’re not interested in sex — at all
The layers of grief, stress, or anxiety we’re all experiencing can cause someone to go to an extreme: either to become hypersexual or conversely, to have a decreased sex drive.
Our nervous system has two prongs, Balestrieri explains: the sympathetic nervous system, which is triggered in dangerous or stressful situations, pushing hormones that increase alertness, and the parasympathetic nervous system, which does the opposite and tries to conserve energy.
If the parasympathetic system is too intense, “we tend to be more depressed, and we’re very lethargic or drained, and in turn, disassociate,” Balestrieri says. “It’s important to ask whether you struggle with anxiety or depression in general. It means that we’re likely going to have one of these two kinds of nervous system responses as default coping strategies.”
Bottom line: If you’re more depressed than usual, you might not have enough vitality to get excited to have sex, masturbate, or even be on dating apps.
What you can do about it
Experts suggest that if you’re single, make peace with the reality that you’re experiencing a bout of the blues, and it’s totally okay to not want to engage sexually when you feel this way. The important thing is to not self-judge or think there’s something wrong with you, as that can just make it worse. If you’re in a relationship, talk to your partner about what you’re feeling, your needs, and try to come to an understanding, recommends Balestrieri.
“Just look at it as information about yourself without a value judgment, and then love that,” says Julia Torres, a certified erotic blueprint coach and certified sexological worker based in Los Angeles. “Then see what the fruit is in it.”
You’re masturbating more
Porn watching has definitely seen a spike since the pandemic hit. There’s a good reason for that: Orgasm can be a great way to induce relaxation, explains Balestrieri. There’s nothing wrong with that. Although, if we use masturbation too much as a coping strategy, we may rely on being hypersexual as a means to stay emotionally regulated.
Our typical ways to cope with stressors might not be available to us now — like the gym, going out with friends, or other hobbies — so using masturbation as a way to fill the time and feel relaxed makes sense.
“If people don’t have a very well-developed monopoly of coping strategies at their disposal inside the house or inside their own kind of inner psychic existence, they aren’t left with a lot of options,” says Balestrieri. “In turn, your sex drive and need to masturbate might go into overdrive.”
What you can do about it
Torres advises that you give yourself permission to indulge and satiate your sex drive. Masturbating is often depicted as a sad, lonely, or gross endeavor. But when you masturbate, you’re doing so under your power, she explains. You can explore and enjoy on your own terms. Being intentional about this and dedicating time to it can be just as important as shared sexual experiences.
If you have a belief that masturbating is lonely or that it’s sad to be doing it by yourself, let it come up and know it’s okay to feel that, says Torres. “You don’t have to push it away,” she says. “And it doesn’t mean you’ve failed at self-pleasuring. Know that you can hold it all within yourself.”
You’re masturbating so much to the point where it’s starting to turn into a problem
Masturbating more isn’t necessarily unhealthy, but it can turn into an issue if it creates problems or you aren’t able to stop. As long as your self-pleasuring sessions are contained and you can stop at any time, then they’re fine.
But if they bleed into other realms — for instance, you aren’t paying enough attention to your kids, you’re missing work commitments, you’re neglecting hygiene, or you masturbate to the point of injury or infection, it’s time to get some help. As Balestrieri explains, it’s not the act of masturbating or watching porn that’s inherently bad. You might just need a reset to redefine the relationship you have with it.
What you can do about it
Meet with a sex therapist or sex addiction therapist, or seek resources through an organization like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.
You’re more flirty online
In addition to the huge spikes in porn watching and masturbating, a lot of people are leaning toward dating apps.
But just because you’re expressing your sexuality digitally doesn’t actually mean you’re craving an IRL hookup. You might just be flirting online as a means of validation and distraction even if you normally wouldn’t, explains Balestrieri.
“People are being more flirtatious and are pushing the boundaries in their own sexual and partnered relationships,” she says. “Because they might be bored, and they don’t have the kinds of alternative coping strategies that would allow them to get their ego needs met otherwise.”
What you can do about it
If you want to keep your interactions on dating apps within the realm of fantasy, then know that’s your truth, and be up front about it. Then enjoy the attention and erotic charge from flirting on your phone, guilt-free.
But what if you’re on the receiving end of that? How can you figure out if you’re being misled by someone who loves flirting and seeking attention, but doesn’t necessarily want to hookup in real life?
First, know that someone who merely flirts for adoration will be less likely to engage with you if you’re straightforward with what you want. “You’ll want to make sure their walk and talk are aligned,” says Balestrieri. “So if they say something like, ‘We should really get together sometime,’ test that invitation by responding, ‘Great. I’m free Tuesday or Saturday, which is better for you?’ If they vanish, then they’re not really aligned with what they’re saying.”
You want to date, but…
The pandemic has put a damper on IRL dating for obvious reasons, leaving many to feel hopeless. But you can actually continue to date people with safeguards in place.
What you can do about it
If you’re lingering on the apps and want to pursue something with someone you meet, be mindful of safety in respect to Covid-19, your comfort levels, and your date’s comfort levels. You don’t need to meet in real life — not at first. You can start with Zoom/FaceTime dates or phone calls. If that goes well, then go on a few socially distanced dates — a picnic, a walk. Before getting intimate, it’s a good idea to have up-front, honest conversations and ask whatever questions you need to in order to feel comfortable. You can also both get tested and include each other in your quarantine pods.
Balestrieri also suggests video sexual experiences, as well as incorporating teledildonics, which give you the ability to control some kind of sexual pleasure with your partner from the use of your phone.
“If two people are apart, there are still ways to get some sexual needs met,” says Balestrieri.
You don’t desire your partner the same way
If you’re partnered and living with each other, you might be having less sex — after all, you’re spending all day together with little time to miss each other, and you may have not seen them in anything other than sweats in a while. “This degree of comfort and over-familiarity can really put a kibosh on sexual excitement,” says Balestrieri.
What you can do about it
Try exploring new things with your partner to keep things exciting. It might sound cheesy, but one night, try putting yourself together like you may have used to — even if it’s just to hang out at home. You can also try role-playing or something else sexual you’ve never tried before. Now is a good opportunity to have an honest conversation about your needs and expand what you normally do in bed.
You and your partner aren’t on the same page sexually
You might not be in sync sexually with your partner — maybe your sex kitten ways have fallen into a slumber while your sweetie is suddenly engaging in compulsory porn consumption. Whatever the case might be, know that it’s okay.
“It’s important for couples to recognize that there’s incredible diversity across the lifespan of what a person’s sex drive might look like,” says Balestrieri. “And the couples who are aligned in those changes are really lucky. The majority of couples experience those shifts in their sex drive at different times.”
What you can do about it
Know that these shifts might not have anything to do with the quality of your relationship. It could be that they’re going through something psychological, or changes in their hormones or body chemistry because of the pandemic. “It’s really a question of how well a couple can communicate when their needs are happening at different paces or in different directions,” says Balestrieri. “Because it’s going to happen.”
You’ve gotten involved in a pandemic hookup
There’s a general sense of desperation that might be creeping up for single folks. “It’s like, if I don’t meet anyone right now, I might not for another year, year and a half, two years — who knows for how long?” says Balestrieri. These feelings might lead you to hook up with someone during the pandemic to ease the feelings of loneliness.
What you can do about it
If you found someone you enjoy and like, great. But if you suspect you’re getting together only because of feelings of fear or loneliness, you’ll want to be up front about your intentions or lack thereof, says Balestrieri. “Tell them, ‘Hey, we’re going to just hang out and do this thing together right now,’” she says. “But stay in the reality about the fact that it’s for right now. It might last forever, or after the pandemic, but it might not.”
Balestrieri recommends not making any major commitment decisions right now, whether that means getting into a serious relationship or breaking up a long-term one. There’s so much uncertainty and instability, you might rush into (or out of) a relationship, and later regret the impulse decision you made in the moment.
“Ask yourself, ‘Will I still feel this way once things go back to normal?’ And test yourself. It can be hard to make the distinction between your survival brain and your rational brain,” says Balestrieri.
What’s more, since the pandemic has created a vacuum, devoid of social texture — going out to dinner, meeting each other’s friends and family — you might not know if someone is actually a good fit outside of quarantine.
“Without having a lot of the usual checks and balances, it’s hard to know whether the relationship stands the test of time,” says Balestrieri. “You don’t get to see each other in certain contexts. And once the world opens up again, and there’s different social contexts, it might change things.”
The same goes for whether you’ve been coupled with someone before the pandemic. If you’re rethinking the relationship, slow down. Remember: You lack the routine and social contexts from the pre-pandemic world that might’ve helped keep your relationship strong. You want to come from a fully integrated place, says Balestrieri, and not just a purely emotional or physical one.
A lot of us are in a dark headspace. We’re deprived of socializing, unsure about our financial security, and dealing with political turmoil. It’s a perfect storm for people’s maladaptive coping skills right now, says Balestrieri.
As best as you can, try to be cool with it. Practice acceptance and giving yourself grace. “It’s okay to give yourself permission to cope in whatever way feels right,” she says. “And just know that you’re not alone in whatever it is you’re going through right now.”
