By Jessica Lanyadoo
Hey Jessica,
I moved to SF three years ago from NYC, and I am blessed to have found a fantastic relationship with my boyfriend of 18 months. Last year was my first time experiencing Christmas with his family. I found it sweet (like in that classic holiday movie scene of gift opening and caroling) and extremely overwhelming (I had to sneak into a room to take a 30 minute nap). I really think I put on a good performance last year, but I don’t want to do it again this year. Why? Because I just don’t believe in making a big deal of buying gifts. And because I feel like such an outsider, watching a TV special about Christmas. When I was bored through the celebrations last year, I ended up in the yard with the dogs, so I guess I can do that again if that’s what compromise means. I don’t want to sound like the worst girlfriend ever, but I seriously find the whole thing weird and somewhat ludicrous. HELP!
I love love, and am so glad you have it with this guy!
There are some holes in your question that make it hard for me to know what the situation is. Does your boyfriend love Christmas? Is it his favorite holiday that he is super enthused to share with you, and if so, do you know why? Or is it a situation where he thinks it’s cray how TV special his family is, and he wants you to have his back through the cheer-fueled madness? Do you know if he cares at all, or are you just assuming he does? These details make a big difference! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not wanting to spend this (or any other) holiday with your sweetheart’s family, or deciding not to celebrate Christmas at all of you don’t want to. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions about Christmas, and the holidays are high-pressure enough without driving yourself crazy with someone else’s family. No matter how much you love him, you do not owe him all of your Christmases. In the Big Book of Being a Fabulous Girlfriend, it says nowhere that you have to go to all holiday functions, but it does require you to communicate with your BF about your plans and needs well in advance. Any major event, especially involving your date’s family, needs to be talked about clearly beforehand. There is no universal right and wrong in these matters, but if you mislead your boo to think you’re down for stuff you secretly hate, you are passively paving the road for false expectations and possible resentments on his end. So just talk to him!
If you’re too successful at putting on your performance, you may convince him that you’re the kind of girl that’s indefinitely down for such merriment, and if things go well with him, you could end up spending the rest of your days in this Christmas debacle.
It sounds like part of you doesn’t like the way his family celebrates Christmas, and also like you are (understandably) overwhelmed by the intensity of being around someone else’s family and traditions. It’s totally fair that you don’t wanna do it two years in a row, and it’s pretty standard in relationships to spend every other holiday with your sweetie’s family. Let him know that you’re not into a big show of presents and that you aren’t down for hella holiday cheer. If he wants you to be there, you of course don’t have to do it; but if you do go, you should at least have a good reason for suffering through the festivities. If you’re too successful at putting on your performance, you may convince him that you’re the kind of girl that’s indefinitely down for such merriment, and if things go well with him, you could end up spending the rest of your days in this Christmas debacle. The horrors! Be honest about how you feel and what your values really are, and compromise from that place (if you compromise at all).
Happy Christmas & good luck!
P.S. To all of you out there who don’t celebrate Christmas for any and all reasons, I invite you to enjoy the time-honored tradition of Jewish Christmas: dim sum and a movie with people you love. See you again on January 7th!
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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