By Jessica Lanyadoo
Hi Jessica,
I recently moved to LA from New York. The main reason for the move was for a change of pace, and to start fresh in a new place. A friend suggested I try Hinge (the dating app), and I actually hit it off (via text) with a cool and funny guy. We are supposed to meet up for drinks soon, but during a long conversation the other night it came up that he has been casually seeing another girl (we’re talking multiple dates). I had a feeling this might be the case before he mentioned it. I know this is how casual dating goes (especially dating off of an app), and I really want to meet this guy. But I can’t shake knowing that he is dating someone else. In the past I have definitely dated multiple people at once, and I can’t be upset that this guy has been totally honest. Having said that I’m still kind of irked. Am I being too sensitive? — Irked & Confused
Whatever you’re feeling is valid and you need to listen to it, Irked, but I can’t help but wonder if you should be dating online at all right now. The dating game can go a bunch of ways, but it’s generally like this: person wants to date/fall in love/get ego stroked/get laid. Person goes on Internet and makes a profile. Person connects with others in hopes of achieving one or more of those goals. This process is a trial and error exercise; you’ve got to open your self up to countless others to see what happens. It’s unrealistic to expect that a guy, even an authentically awesome one who’s looking for love, is not mid-stream in the pursuit of connecting with other women. That he’s dating someone else doesn’t mean anything one way or another about him, and what he’s about. It does say something about you, though, that you feel monogamous before you’ve even met the guy to know if you have chemistry! Again, there’s nothing wrong with your feelings, but in order to get the best from your life you need to set yourself up in situations that are right for you, and I worry that this kind of dating won’t do that for you at this time.
It’s unrealistic to expect that a guy is not mid-stream in the pursuit of connecting with other women. That he’s dating someone else doesn’t mean anything one way or another about him. It does say something about you, though, that you feel monogamous before you’ve even met the guy to know if you have chemistry!
When meeting a stranger from the Internet it’s wise to trust your gut instincts. When it comes to dating (especially in the early stages) you need to honor your feelings above all else. So don’t ask yourself if what you’re feeling is “too much” this, or “not enough” that, and don’t try to force yourself to be someplace you’re not. You’re not being “too sensitive”; you feel what you feel. I only encourage you to check what’s motivating those feelings. I’m a fan of trusting one’s gut, but you need to ask yourself if your gut instincts say no to trusting him, or if you want an ideal romantic set up before you take the emotional risk of meeting a guy and letting things get real. It’s possible that your move to LA is destabilizing enough, and you aren’t ready for a big emo risk quite yet, and that’s OK. Nothing is perfect, but if you seek creative problems (ones that help you be a better you) instead of destructive ones (problems that make you feel bad and drag you down), it’s worth it in the end.
If you need your crush to be totally single before you’ve met you’re going to have a hard time with online dating in general, Irked. Be honest with yourself about what you can handle without judging him or yourself. I like it that this guy was upfront with you, and if the person he’s dating knows that he’s still actively pursuing other women, it all seems pretty kosher to me. Either way, dating and love is a game of chance, and in order to win, you have to take well-considered risks, my friend.
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
