Written & Photographed by Sierra Hartman
I am not a Marina Guy. Seventy-five percent of my wardrobe is brown, I hate shaving, and I have no interest in BMWs. So when The Bold Italic asked me to cover the Mr. Marina competition, I poured myself a big tall glass of haterade and braced myself for the bro-nado. In spite of all my prejudice though, I actually had a good time. I had envisioned something like a mix between Zoolander and a J.Crew catalog but, overall, it ended up being pleasantly non-douchey.
All the contestants seemed to understand that the Marina is a stereotypical shit show in a lot of ways but nobody had a problem making fun of themselves. Everyone was also keenly aware of Mr. Marina’s real goal of raising money for blood cancer research. This year they raised $190,000 through contestant fundraising and ticket sales, breaking last year’s record of $155,000.
The opening act featured 10 dudes in leotards paying homage to Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love.” That led straight into the swimsuit competition. Highlights from that included a merman emerging from a cardboard seashell and a strip-down through every type of mens swimwear since the 19th century.
The talent portion of the evening was really the high point. A couple good choreographed dance numbers by Matt Bowers and Peter Ferguson were just goofy enough to be fun and Brady Stevenson made a shockingly good Marina-bro cover of Iggy Azalia’s “Fancy.” Just sing the chorus to yourself and think, “He’s so Marina, can’t you see his clothes? He lives the bro life, from here to Presidio.”
The Marina Wear with Q&A was less flashy but it did have a couple high points. Matt Bowers, when asked to describe the perfect Marina girl, proceeded to give a point-by-point description of the host and founder of Mr. Marina, Brianna Haag. He then asked for her number on stage and, as far as I could tell, she gave it to him. At the end of the Q&A when Michael Thomas was telling the personal story about his mom beating lymphoma, she surprised him on stage and we all shared a warm fuzzy moment.
After careful deliberation, the judges gave first, second, and third place to Michael Thomas, Frankie Arias, and Zac Sean, respectively. Last year’s winner passed on the crown, along with a list of impressive year-long perks including bottomless mimosas at Ottimista, free burgers from Super Duper, Chubbies shorts for every season, and a ton of other bar and restaurant tabs to make his reign as king of the northern shoreline a very comfortable one indeed.
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