As a self-described money nerd, I oftentimes weigh the costs and benefits of my consumer decisions, almost to a fault. If they’re both on sale, should I purchase a pound of pears or apples? Which one will give me the biggest bang for my buck? Which will provide the greater utility? And the greater value?
Yeah, I know, it’s kind of weird and exhausting — and annoying — to many of my friends, but I do find a sense of sublime joy in it. Doing a cost-benefit analysis for just about any decision is an exercise in resourcefulness, and if you do it enough times, you come up with shortcuts.
For an introvert like me who craves and requires her alone time, and has recently experienced a series of self-realizations about how to experience love in a more progressive, holistic way, I’m not in a huge rush to get coupled again.
And as I’ve been single for the last few years, I often think about whether it’s even worth it to endure the pains of hooking up. So the question is, which is the better bet? To go on a date or spend a quiet evening Netflixing and chilling and enjoying quality alone time with my dildo?
The pursuit of physical intimacy, even by way of a casual booty call, can feel like a part-time job. While you don’t have to fork over any cash for a hookup app like Tinder or Grindr, you do need to spend a fair amount of time and mental energy swiping left or right after viewing seemingly endless photos of shirtless dudes in a power pose on top of a mountain or looking overly excited in the perilous presence of a scowling tiger.
And say you skip the once-requisite step of getting drinks at a local watering hole and do a straight booty call. Between all the back-and-forth chatting and the careful deliberation of which emoji to use, that ish can get old. After too many bad dates, I’m tempted to start a short-term savings fund for Mr. Sex Robot 2020.
But there is an affordable, efficient and disease-free option for the savvy single woman: the dildo. The handy dildo has been around for quite some time. In fact, the oldest known specimen dates back to the Paleolithic era. Long gone are the days when perusing an aisle of dildos and other toys designed for female pleasure felt like a jumble of shame and intrigue. And in recent years, I’ve gone from being a closet shopper to a proud consumer.
Owning a dildo — or three — is a necessity.
This versatile appliance belongs in the survival kit of any modern woman, coupled or otherwise. There are as many types of dildos out there as there are Tinder profiles. Dildos run the gamut of different lengths, girths, shapes, colors, materials — if you can conjure it up, it probably exists. (Just imagine the fun you could have with a 3-D printer!)
What’s your preference? Would you rather have one made of rubber, silicon or classy glass/crystal? A “regular” human-esque one or one that’s tentacle shaped? Are you into traditional modes of pleasure? Titillated by double-penetration fun? Or are backdoor pursuits more up your alley? Finding the right one can be a pleasurable experience in and of itself.
To love thyself means to know thyself, and that includes knowing which dildo does it for you.
I’m not gonna lie — I’m a penis gal. But a man’s penis is a wild card. Say you’re a straight male, and you’re a T-and-A kind of dude. Most of the time you can get an eyeful of a woman’s curves without having to try too hard. But unless the inquisitive lady gets a full-out dick pic, she won’t know what a guy’s dong looks like until it’s time to do the deed. And you know how we ladies feel about dick pics! Personally, I find looking at photos of a man’s member to be an exercise of manipulation in lighting, composition and angle. Like the difference between looking at something you want to buy online versus seeing it firsthand in a store, it can be deceptive.
With a lady’s bosom or behind, most straight men are titillated by a mere glance or fondling session. A penis needs to be aesthetically pleasing and, well, functional. Even if it’s easy on the eyes, how skillful is the guy who’s attached to it? And does he even know how to use the thing?
My good friend Reiki is a fan of the “pretty penis,” which, to her, implies the following: symmetry, an even coloration, a robust mushroom tip and just the right amount of veins. After many an evening surveying dick pics, we even joke about getting a custom dildo “erected” that resembles our personal visions of the perfect penis. (Stay tuned for that article.)
So in hooking up, you just don’t really know what you’re going to get. It could hang too far to the left, resemble the eraser nub of a pencil, suffer from ED, get too easily excitable — the list goes on and on. Straight ladies and gay lads and bi-curious straight fellers — we’ve all been there.
But with a dildo, you know exactly what you’re getting. You can push your own buttons (to vibrate or not to vibrate?), add some accessories and be in control of your own pleasure. Plus, you won’t have to deal with playing the waiting game or wrestling with the cumbersome logistics of meeting up with someone.
If you’re outgoing, going on dates and hooking up is certainly something that can be enjoyable. But a night alone with Mr. Rubber Dong might be the better deal. Like most things in life, with dicks and dildos there is no one-size-fits-all answer. But after carefully weighing the pros and cons, 9 times out of 10, I choose the latter.
