It’s been two years since the fateful November 2016 election, and it’s time to help the resister in your life start the healing process. If the first anniversary is traditionally a paper anniversary, and the second and third are cotton and leather, respectively, what do you give people who are trying to move on during each anniversary of the 2016 election?
2017: Paper
Buy your favorite resister a print subscription to whichever “failing” publication the president tweeted about today, since the publicity will surely grow the subscription base tenfold, providing money for even more dogged reporting. Plus, the purchases will come with extra digital subscriptions, so you can simultaneously share them with two drunk uncles and a right-wing aunt.
2018: Cotton
It’s been a rough 24 months. Get your favorite resister a nice set of cotton sheets for when they finally start sleeping again. Two years of “What if I go to bed and miss a tweet declaring war on Australia?” were unhealthy. On the other hand, it’s hard to sleep after you’ve been woke. Instead, run to the pharmacy to stock up on Ambien and Lunesta while everyone still has health insurance. There’s cotton in the bottles.
2019: Leather
For the third anniversary, buy them a leather wallet in which to keep their ID and papers in case someone stops them on the street for looking like an immigrant. The wallet will stay relatively empty because the paychecks for protesting still haven’t arrived.
2020: Flowers and Fruit
Actually, forget the flowers. It’s 2020, election year. Write notes to everyone you know, especially college kids, telling them to get off their damn asses and vote, or they’re getting four more years of the same. How do you like them apples?
2021: Piles of Wood
Did he win again? OK, build an ark before the next round of intense storms, which are still forewarned by scientists on at least three federal-government climate-change web pages (until they get scrubbed). With the leftover wood, you can build a bowl for the “liberal tears” your high school friends on Facebook keep making the same joke about.
2022: Iron and a Relaxing Vacation
At this point, you need to start resting up for 2024. Bring your resister friends on a relaxing tour of Trump golf courses, with a new set of long irons. Be careful, though—if they swing really hard, they may send their ball through a window and break a fake magazine cover.
2023: Copper
Even if your health care bled you dry, you’re not completely penniless like you expected. As a matter of fact, there are just enough pennies under your couch cushion to give out as gifts. The government still puts a little copper in them. What else can you afford?
2024: Bronze
You’re tired? There’s a new election coming up. Get it together! Hopefully, you didn’t give away every penny last year, because the word “penny” originally comes from “pence,” and your friends may need to think about him now. The cents minted before 1962 were mostly bronze, so you’re good. Dig under your car mats to find the last few. You may even wind up with some Dunkin’ Donuts crumbs for a snack. Now go drive to the polls. Bon appétit!
