So, my guy has past and current substance abuse issues. Recently I found out he’s been indulging in meth and DMT (for about a year now). He holds a regular job and comes home every evening at the same time. He’s functional but noticeably different. The shifts in him come little by little, just like aging or gaining / losing weight over a stretch of time (you would never know by sharing casual conversation with him or by seeing him on the street). He supports the thought that drugs are fine in moderation and equates my sparse few beers a week with his continued drug use. What I mean to ask is — am I trippin’ or is he trippin’? ’Cause I feel like I took a trip to Crazytown and can’t find my way home … Thanks! Anonymous
Well, Anonnymous, the answer is simple: you’re both trippin’.
Meth is not the same as Molly, alcohol, weed, DMT, or methadone. What separates these substances is stigma, legality, and the actual effects and addictiveness of taking them, of course. Drugs that are highly addictive and destructive to the body are a much bigger deal than those that are not. Meth and DMT are serious substances, and no amount of either is equal to a few beers in their effect on your mind, spirit, or body. They are hella rough and meth is one of the more addictive drugs out there. But you have to know that! You can’t possibly be asking me if drinking an occasional beer is equal to the consistent use of meth. You have common sense, the Internet, and the world of modern medicine to ask about that, and they will all tell you the identical thing; not all ‘good shit’ is actually good, and not all drugs are created equal.
When you engage in a crazy dialogue it turns you crazy, Anonymous. You need to know when things have taken a turn for the cray and walk away. His lack of ownership for his behavior sucks.
So, yes, girl, you are trippin’. Why are you even having this conversation with him? The real question is whether or not you consent to staying with him given his substance use, not whether it’s comparable to yours. When you engage in a crazy dialogue it turns you crazy, Anonymous. You need to know when things have taken a turn for the cray and walk away. His lack of ownership for his behavior sucks. It’s manipulative to throw your beer use in your face as a way to defend his drug use, but it seems like it’s totally working. It’s important that he can use drugs and keep a job, come home, and live a pretty chill life, but is this the life that you want? It’s pretty clear that he believes it’s working for him at this point. Whether or not it works for you is the only thing that you’ve gotta figure out.
I don’t know whether he’s an addict or not, but the signs point to yes from your question. The fact that you had to find out about his drug use indicates that he had the good sense to try and hide it from you, ’cause it’s not right and he knows it. Or maybe he was just concerned about your judgment, but you have the right to know who you’re with and what the risks are. Not many people can use those particular drugs routinely and not be addicts, but again, it’s not your job to decide or convince him of what his behavior means. You can express concern, you can express your wishes, but if he doesn’t want the same things for himself that you want for him you need to respect that.
Don’t persuade him of your perspective. Don’t fix him or insist that he thinks that you’re right. Decide what you can live with and let him know. It doesn’t sound like he’s open to quitting, so you need to either accept that and stay, or accept it and go. But engaging in this defensive dialogue needs to stop for your own good.
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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