Hi Jessica,
I reconnected with a younger person on a shared project. She came on pretty strong romantically, then sexually. We had fun times for about four weeks, but then she announced that she “couldn’t do this.” I was stunned by the sudden reversal but did not blame or shame her. I just told her, “You feel what you feel, s’okay,” and assured her that we will remain friends. Why do people start out so hot and heavy, only to neck-snappingly change? (Hint: she is 19 years my junior.) I do want to trust younger partners, but day-um. — DS
The thing about hooking up with someone 19 years your junior is, what did you expect?
Not to be a jerk, but what exactly was your idea of what would happen with a woman so much younger than you? Were you expecting marriage? A more enduring love connection? Or maybe a more processy ending? She hit it, and then she quit it, as the kids are wont to do: and as much as that sucks, it can’t be that huge of a surprise. I’m not saying a May-December romance couldn’t have worked, but since it started off so fast and furious, you shouldn’t be shocked that it crashed and burned. It doesn’t sound like you’re heartbroken — more shell-shocked — and I get that. If she hadn’t offered up why she was ending it, it would’ve been totally OK and non-pressurey to ask her why she was ending things during the “You feel what you feel” convo. If she used the specific phrase “I can’t do this,” it certainly implies that the reason why she felt it had to end was obvious.
The two of you are in different stages of life, and hers is — by definition — a more transient and experimental place than yours. It’s NBD while it’s all sex and flirting, but wait until something real happens before you decide whether or not it’s going to last.
The thing is, in order for a relationship to become … a relationship, there has to be depth. The two of you are in different stages of life, and hers is — by definition — a more transient and experimental place than yours. It’s NBD while it’s all sex and flirting, but wait until something real happens before you decide whether or not it’s going to last with a youngin’, DS. I’m not at all suggesting that young women don’t want relationships (nothing could be further from the truth) or even that they don’t want real connections with older guys, but I think that the situation you’re describing, plus the age difference, signals higher-than-average potential for neck-snapping changes in circumstance.
People change their minds for so many reasons, DS, but I don’t have enough information to know why she jumped ship in this situation. My attitude is that any person who is much younger than you, who comes on that strong, should be treated like a firecracker — exciting but hella dangerous and unpredictable. It can blow up in your hand, or give you the sickest light show you’ve seen in a long time; it’s the risk you take, and it’s totally worth it unless you lose your hand in the blast, amiright? The same can be said of any love affair, really, but the risk gets higher with an age difference that big. I think it’s fair to trust younger partners, DS, but trust is generally based, in part, on honest and forthright communication, and I’m not hearing that you two had a lot of that. So next time you’re on the fence about a person, ask them straight up what their intentions are with you; if you can’t really talk to the girl you’re screwing, you’re just upping the chances of getting screwed, my old friend.
xo,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for the Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
