By Jessica Lanyadoo
For about nine months I dated a guy who was pretty abusive. It was never physical, but I found the USF abusive partner checklist you offered someone else and more than one fit the bill, including the “threatening suicide to control” one. That only happened once, but still, shitty move on his part.
I broke up with him and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I loved him but recognized the relationship was squashing everything I respected and loved about myself. It was tough.
Here’s my question: I still love him now, and I can’t stop thinking about him. I felt more connected to him than anyone I’ve dated since; the bond we had was real and special, despite all the shitty, shitty things. How do I put these emotions out of my brain? I don’t want to Rhianna-ize myself. I don’t want to go back to an abusive situation. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Big Bummer
Oh no, Big Bummer, this sucks! While you took the right action, your heart refuses to see logic. Such is the way with hearts I suppose. After 20 years of counseling people, I’ve learned that there’s a huge difference between feelings and compatibility, and that difference can be super heartbreaking. So here’s a little homework: write down all the things you like about him. Once you’ve done this, ask yourself if those are qualities that you want more of in your life, or if they are really characteristics that you believe only he possesses. Then write down a list of all the dynamics you enjoyed with him, the good stuff. After that, do the inverse. List all the crap you didn’t like, and finally, write a list of what didn’t work between the two of you. None of this will magically heal your aching heart, but it will help to get you in alignment with your (very wise) choice to have ended things with him.
The most painful thing is not what others do to us; it’s what we consent to. Choosing a real and special bond that you know doesn’t work is an exercise in futility.
No matter how much you love a person, the way they treat you and your compatibility as a team are the most important things. A healthy dynamic is arguably more important than feeling “connected” (although we shouldn’t have to choose one over the other). Sometimes in life, we’re connected to people just so we can learn to say goodbye or negotiate a healthy ending. Not all loves are meant for this world, just like not all tummies can digest dairy, no matter how delicious and organic the ice cream may be. If you allow yourself to honor the potential over the reality, you’re bound to have a world of pain, BB. But you know all this. And if your question within your question is how to deal with heartache, the answer is simple; give it time. Be patient. The most painful thing is not what others do to us; it’s what we consent to. Choosing a real and special bond that you know doesn’t work is an exercise in futility. Just like a fancy sports car without an engine is really just a pretty hunk of metal; it won’t take you anywhere. And a true love that makes you miserable will do the same.
Good luck!
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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