I recently started dating an amazing guy that I’m very into (yay!). We have fun together, the chemistry is awesome, and I’m very excited about where our relationship is going. However, shortly after we got together, we realized that he had given me an STI. He was asymptomatic, and it’s an STI that is hard to test for in men (we were both tested before we started having sex). Soon after we had sex, I started having symptoms, and it’s been a huge pain (the symptoms suck, multiple treatments aren’t working, the doctors visits are intrusive and expensive, etc.).
While the medical symptoms of the STI are hopefully going to be resolved soon, what’s your advice on how to move past this emotionally? We both feel sort of ashamed and sad that we have this STI; he feels super guilty for passing it to me, and I feel sort of resentful about the whole thing. I’m also struggling to resist passing judgement on his sexual history (he’s had 3x the number of partners I have), even though I know that isn’t healthy. What’s the best way for each of us to get over these hurdles?
Additionally, is there any etiquette around giving someone you care about an STI? Do you offer to pay for treatment? Do you go with them to doctor’s appointments? Do you send an e-card?
Thanks for the help! — Sad and infected
Shame is the absolute pitts, and I’m so sorry you’re both going through it! The thing to remember is that STIs are not different than other medical conditions. You can contract any number of uncomfortable or gross things (what’s with blowing your nose? Totally gross!), and have no problem expecting compassion from others or yourself. Why not with STIs? The shame you’re both feeling is because you have judgments about sex, or genitals, or both. That sucks but is common. Compassion is the antidote to shame, my friend, so you’ve gotta drum some up for both of you. Physical acts have physical risks, but don’t charge it up with judgments about your worth because STIs can happen to anyone who has sex ever.
It’s appropriate for him to feel humble, but shame and guilt are a pointless waste. It’s easy to languish in awful emotions when what you really should be doing is taking responsibility, and committing to doing better in the future.
Whenever you get down, you know what the risks and rewards are. If you don’t, you shouldn’t be doing it at all. So while you know you got this STI from your partner, you willingly and with full knowledge of the risks chose to bone him. So you’ve gotta let your resentments go. If you don’t want to break it off with him, then you’ll be healthier and happier if you forgive him. If he had risky behavior, then so did you by sleeping with him (especially if you weren’t using condoms, which are in town for a reason). He didn’t give you this STI on purpose; he didn’t even know he had it. The truth of the matter is that penises, with all the joy they may bring, also can get you preggers or give you STIs. So bag it up next time, SAI! No matter how lovely the person connected to the penis is, prioritizing your health should always come first.
To your questions:
YES, he should be coming to doctor’s appointments with you, and offering to pay for your treatments would be nice too. The etiquette for taking responsibility for harming another (on purpose or inadvertently) is that the responsible party should not focus on their own sad/bad feelings, but instead on some sort of amends (that may or may not take the form of an e-card or foot rubs). But as there is no true standard of etiquette for such situations, you may have to tell him what you need to feel supported.
The difference between guilt and humility is huge and important. It’s ok if your BF feels shitty for giving you an STI; he put you — a person he cares about — in a bad situation and that sucks. So it’s appropriate for him to feel humble, but shame and guilt are a pointless waste. It’s easy to languish in awful emotions when what you really should be doing is taking responsibility, and committing to doing better in the future.
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with everything from figuring out their love lives to communicating with their pets. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
