Living with your partner during a major crisis can be challenging for anyone. This is especially true if said crisis requires both parties to remain sequestered together for an unknown length of time, as is the case with the current global pandemic. It doesn’t matter how patient, loving, or good at communicating you think you both are — once you’re on lockdown, all bets are off.
It’s important to be prepared for the potential impact of constant interaction with your mate so it doesn’t overwhelm your ability to refrain from ripping your hair out strand by strand. You can only do that by taking preventative measures to help “flatten the annoyance curve.” Even if these measures seem overly cautionary now, you’ll be grateful for taking them once you see how many Craigslist posts seeking short-term studios start popping up in cities that didn’t take the threat of annoying partners seriously enough.
I warn you: It will get harder to stay on course the longer you have to stay inside and pretend that listening to each other’s work calls is interesting. This is a marathon, not a sprint. But hopefully these tips will help keep you emotionally healthy and not leave you fantasizing about putting glue in their mac and cheese so they keep their mouth shut while chewing.
Fill a plastic bag with sand, flour, or cornmeal, and squeeze it every time you need to remind your partner to wash their hands when they come in from the outside, which is every time.
When your partner lets dishes pile up in the sink, claiming they’ll “get to them as soon as this show is over,” but the dishes are still there the next morning, close your eyes and think of that Airbnb in Fiji you added to your “post-pandemic vacation ideas” list yesterday.
Every time your partner walks aimlessly into your workspace, sits in the chair across from you, and says, “Whatcha doin?” when you’re obviously deep in a project, say to yourself, “This too shall pass,” over and over and over until you believe it, or just until they get weirded out and leave you alone.
When your partner brings a package into the house instead of leaving the box outside for 72 hours(!!) and also forgets to sterilize the contents and themself, remember three things that you’re thankful for today. And no, none of them have to include your partner.
If you catch them talking to a neighbor outside, and they’re standing within six feet of each other and then high-five as they part ways, breathe in for a count of four and out for a count of six for five minutes.
The next time your partner responds to the question “What do you want for dinner?” with “I don’t care,” go into a closet, shove a sock in your mouth, and scream as loud and as long as you feel you need to.
For every hour your partner opts to play Animal Crossing on Switch instead of, oh, I don’t know, cook dinner, do laundry, or anything else useful without having to be asked, credit yourself an hour massage that they’ll be paying for when this is over.
Every time you feel them rolling their eyes when you ask the delivery person to leave the food in your building’s lobby, give yourself a mental hug.
Their excessive mouth noises becoming unbearable? Start carrying around a white-noise machine that imitates the sounds of waves or frogs in the jungle.
If your partner has taken to clipping their toenails and fingernails all over the apartment, collect the clippings in a small plastic bag and leave it neatly on their pillow so they can dispose of it properly.
The next time they ask, “Are we out of yogurt?” when they’re standing in front of the fridge and there are clearly containers of yogurt in plain sight that you can see all the way from the couch, just start laughing to convince your brain the situation is funny and not very, very sad.
For anyone lucky enough to have teletherapy right now, force your partner to take a walk outside during sessions so you can feel totally free to let your frustration and rage shoot out onto your therapist à la the emotional version of The Exorcist.
If their farting has become exponentially more frequent and obtrusive, create a soothing candle barrier around your personal space. Then, at night, let several silent ones go on their side of the bed while they’re brushing their teeth. If they ask about it, say, “Oh yeah, that must still be you from earlier.”
Listening to your significant other’s work laugh while they’re on Zoom calls can be more than a little triggering, especially if they’re in sales. Try meditating with a soothing mantra you repeat to center yourself, like “prenuptial agreement.”
When you walk in on them plowing through your entire two-week supply of low-cal frozen chocolate pops that you bought JUST FOR YOU, even though you also bought them their own frozen desserts and tried to hide yours so they weren’t tempting, do a free-association writing exercise for 30 minutes.
When they veto all your suggestions for what to watch that evening but offer no suggestions in return other than rewatching The Circle, grab a pillow, stuffed animal, and/or live animal and squeeze (gently if it’s alive).
If constantly dealing with low-grade anxiety over a terrifying, totally unprecedented global crisis has tanked your sex drive, but your partner keeps trying to persuade you to get physical despite your clear disinterest, have a coughing fit in their face.
They have not changed their pajamas in six days. Lock them in the bathroom until something gets cleaned. Then drink some chamomile tea.
