Taxicab companies purchase cars with vinyl floor mats and seats so they can just hose out whatever bodily fluids accumulate by the end of the shift, and you’re ready for the next day. We Uber and Lyft drivers are not so forward thinking — or maybe we just want a nice, normal car that our families can enjoy on the days when we’re not driving. So we get carpets and cloth or leather seats and pray that some Marina bro won’t convert our new-car smell into new-car hell.
But hey, binge drinking is fun. I get it. Sure, by the time you leave college you should know your personal BAC limits so you can stop or slow your chugging and avoid vomiting in a stranger’s car. But fuck it, we’ve all been there, so here are some pointers for puking in an Uber, Lyft, or Sidecar (in case you’re one of the 11 San Franciscans who still uses Sidecar).
1. Blow Before You Go
If you think you’re going to puke, do us a solid and go full-on Paula Abdul and expectorate into a potted plant before you get into the car. The ride home will be more pleasant, and you won’t see a fat damage charge appear on your Visa statement (yes, the passenger is on the hook for loss or damage during a rideshare — up to $250).
2. Don’t Dump Your Chump
Your friend thought he could handle all the tequila shooters you paid for but is now mumbling lines from Twelve Years a Slave and punching random people. Don’t plop him into some sap’s car and expect him to get home without redecorating a Prius interior. Escort him home, make sure he gets into bed, and then go back to your party, still in progress.
A related note: if somebody is so drunk that they pass out and piss themselves, it’s not just hilarious; it could be deadly. It’s a symptom of alcohol poisoning, and people frequently die from alcohol poisoning. If somebody is passed out and unresponsive, for fuck’s sake, call 911 — not an UberX.
3. Stop, Drop, and Hurl
If you’ve taken the safeguards listed above but are in the car and suddenly feel the urge to purge (it’s not always drunks — sometimes people have the flu or other issues), just yell, “Stop the car!” and if your driver knows what’s good for him or her, he or she will safely stop the car and open your door in seconds. Stand, crouch, or kneel, and hold down your internal CTRL-ALT-Delete buttons. Watch your shoes! It would be sad and ironic if your Linda Blair impression, perfectly executed outside your ride, was blemished by your tracking pea soup back in with you on the soles or tops of your footwear.
4. Say It; Don’t Spray It.
Can’t get out of the car? Is it coming up anyway? If your driver is as smart as I am, he will have some medical-grade puke bags in your seat-back pocket. Grab one and do your thing. No bag? Here’s your last chance to keep from getting 250 United Club miles the hard way. If the car is stopped, open the door, lean out, and commence firing. Do not try to puke out the window. The child-safety feature will keep it from going down all the way, and you will get Kibbles ’n Bits in the window track. And don’t cover your mouth with your hand. Stomach contents are pressurized and can spray through your fingers like you’re a warm bottle of Freixenet.
5. Naked Launch
The last resort? Puke on your clothes, carefully get out of the car, and strip them off. Then throw them into the street and ride home au naturel. You hated that outfit anyway, and you just saved yourself $250. Enjoy the cool feel of butter-soft leather on your naked, sweaty tush.
Now is the time to cash in on your complementary bottle of water — just the right size for a rinse. Don’t forget to ask for a mint.
Driver X is in his car now, giving San Franciscans rides by any means necessary. He’s a veteran cabbie who recently began driving for Uber, Lyft, and Sidecar. He secretly hates you.
