With all of San Francisco’s luxurious straight-to-you services, many have begun calling it a senior home for young adults. We live in a Never-Never Land where anyone with a cell phone never has to do laundry, drive (much less park) a car, shop for groceries or cook themselves a meal. Indeed, Silicon Valley is teeming with start-ups begging to relieve us of tasks they can do much more efficiently, and arguably more successfully, than we could do ourselves.
It should be a surprise to no one that this enchanted wonderland city has an earthquake coming (if this is in any way surprising to you, go see San Andreas immediately). In fact, it’s been documented that the constant soil shifting underground is what’s responsible for this region’s great wine viticulture. Cheers to a proper silver lining!
However, in order to keep the wine flowing and our cellars intact, “preparedness is key” — so says Monica Vargas of the California Governor’s Office of Emergency Services (Cal OES). Vargas adds, “Have a disaster kit ready with at least a 72-hour supply of nonperishable food and water. Food such as protein bars, dried fruit, peanut butter and canned juices, for example, are highly recommended, as they are ready to eat and don’t require heat or refrigeration. Also, don’t forget about infants and pets when building your disaster kit.”
When the big earthquake hits, there will be no food delivery. For how long, no one can say for certain, because no one knows how big the big one is going to be. So if you want to avoid a Donner-party situation with your roommates, preparation is key. I advise you take a quick trip to your grocery store and get these seven essential things* you’ll need to survive the utter obliteration of grocery-delivery services and straight-to-you-meals from DoorDash, Sprig, Munchery, etc.
*This list also applies to zombie apocalypses, alien invasions and various other catastrophic scenarios — except global warming. Can’t help you there.
1. Peanut Butter
Not almond butter. Not cashew butter. Jif, Skippy or whatever you grew up with. Trust me, dealing with the separation of oil and peanut solids is not worth the hassle during high-stress situations. The best thing about peanut butter is that it never goes bad. It comes in a screw-top jar and has loads of protein and vitamins. Forget can openers, and ditch the tuna — you don’t want have to search through smoldering toxic rubble for utensils.
2. Crackers
To put the PB on. Sure, these are desperate times, but don’t be a pauper. When the streets are on fire, the power lines are down and telephone signals are jammed, this is no time to lose one’s decorum. It’s a slippery slope to looting and anarchy.
3. Kale chips
Counts as a green thing! The vitamins make it part of a well-balanced diet and stuff. They say that once you start giving up on your health, it’s not long before, you know … the zombie apocalypse.
4. Apple sauce
Let’s not forget about dessert — even Cal OES says so! Plus, if an emergency isn’t the time for a dollop of mushy comfort food, I don’t know when is.
5. Tequila
Recommendation: Patrón. Tectonic plates are shifting, and your world is crashing, so why not splurge and get the good stuff? Bonus: it doubles as an antiseptic.
6. Gatorade or, you know, water
Chase the liquor with a big gulp of electrolytes to keep yourself hydrated while you’re barricaded in your apartment.
7. Beef jerky
The time it takes to chew a protein-packed artisanal strip will give you a project to focus on while you wait for emergency responders to pull your leg out from under a fallen concrete slab.
However, if the grocery store still falls on the losing side of “I’d rather be doing [insert any other activity] than go food shopping,” you can always get your earthquake-survival snack packs delivered from Wise Food or Amazon.
