Scores of people have abandoned San Francisco due to rising rent prices. But not me. I left so I can spend more money in New York City.
Nonetheless, I still left my heart in San Francisco, along with my rock-climbing membership and two Teslas. Just for the record, one is a Model X, and the other is a Model S.
While New York City is great, I realized that my true love — the place where I left my heart — is nestled inside my old nine-bedroom Victorian on the corner Broadway and Buchanan, conveniently tucked between Peter Thiel’s 10-bedroom Victorian and the Monopoly Man’s 11-bedroom Victorian. I mean, I guess I could still go back and find my heart, since I own the $28 million property, but that would defeat the purpose of getting to say that I left my heart in San Francisco.
Sometimes, I wonder if San Francisco is still the same city that I remember it as—the steep hills, the yoga studios, the billions of dogs. But despite all its quirks, I definitely miss getting chauffeured to Planet Granite. Man, what a place! I usually don’t mingle with peasants, but it’s really one of the few places in the city where millionaires and multimillionaires can come together and talk about their latest start-up valuations and how to conquer a V7. I miss that conversational diversity. You really can’t get that here in New York. It’s just gossip about hedge funds and yachting, which, mind you, is fun since I get to toss money into the ocean. But it’s not the same.
You’re probably wondering why I also left my two Teslas in San Francisco. You’re probably wondering why I didn’t just drive them cross-country or, if you really knew me, why I didn’t force any one of my five butlers to drive them cross-country. It’s a good question, and leaves one to their imagination and anger toward friends of the Monopoly Man. I hear you. Because in New York, I actually own two other Teslas. I suppose you’ll condemn me for being a materialistic libertine, but, to be fair, I’m just trying to be an ambassador of the environment. In my defense, it’s a requirement for maintaining my membership to three golf clubs.
But no matter if I’m currently residing in any of my mansions in New York or Paris, or my mansion-bunker-nuclear-crib in New Zealand,I will always love San Francisco, which is why, again, I left my heart there.That’s what people do when they love cities so much — they leave their hearts there. In any case, I hope my two Teslas (one is a Model X, and the other is a Model S) are doing all right. Forfeiting them into Jerry’s custody (one of my five butlers) was like giving up a child for adoption. But I trust him. Jerry’s a good guy, that guy Jerry. In fact, he just founded a start-up that delivers coins for laundry. Boy, I sure love it when people are making the world a better place.
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