Though the SF division of Ride the Ducks International has closed, we think you’ll find this guide works just as well in any city with duck-boat tours. Happy ducking!
Somewhere near AT&T Park’s underwater grave of home-run balls, a boat-tour operation picks up passengers. It takes them from the tranquil shores of South Beach Harbor, glides around the murky docks and slips through the sunken city streets. It offers wildly mediocre vistas from which you can gaze upon the finest of San Francisco’s ducks.
Understandably, Ride the Ducks tour boats — or duck boats, in the vernacular — were not designed for facilitating intercourse. In fact, one might say they weren’t specifically designed for getting some stank on the hang-down.
However, there may come a time in one’s adult life, young or old (shout-out to all the concupiscent grandparents out there), when you are faced with the prospect of a tedious tour — duck boat or otherwise. It is then and only then that you might realize that joining the Naughtical Mile High Club is no act of convenience, but rather a matter of survival.
Let me break down the situation. It was 9:00 a.m. on a Wednesday. My girlfriend had reserved four seats for us and her aunt and uncle, who had planned to visit from out of town. On the day before, they had informed us that they would be arriving a day later than expected because Uncle Ray had flooded the septic tank with one of his signature poops. Classic Uncle Ray.
This meant we had four nonrefundable tickets to an amphibious tour of San Francisco, which I had been not so slightly dreading in the first place. We could have stayed home — like quitters — but instead we decided to take up the challenge and finally cross “do the dirty in public” off our fuck-it list.
Here is how we managed to turn a duck-boat tour into a full-fledged duckfest:
Seating Arrangement
We staked out choice duck-boat real estate in the very back of the ship. There was a large beam shielding us from the watchful gaze of our tour guide — oh captain, our captain! Our main concern was being caught by the duck-boat leader or any of the other passengers. The most inconspicuous position we found resembled a sort of sitting-spoon variant, with my partner and I both facing out from the starboard side, as if the sights/ducks were completely captivating.
From where we sat, no one else on the vessel could see what was going down on the lower deck. If we had been more ambitious, we might have been able to get away with a “leapfrog” position — maybe even “over the gunwale.” More ambitious couples could even aspire to sit “reverse cowgirl,” but do not try it until you’ve successfully completed the more unobtrusive positions.
Early Bird Gets the Worm
A huge part of our success was just the early hours of the weekday. Only three other souls ventured out on the tour with us. If there had been a large crowd, we would have flown the white flag. Make sure you have a sparse and unaware crew; otherwise, you’ll find yourself thrown in the brig in no time.
Footwear
The tread needs to be both strong and waterproof. If you have weak traction, you run the risk of slipping, which could result in injury to your partner — or worse, could send you both flying across the poop deck. Ideally, something closed toe and light, but sturdy. I recommend running or climbing shoes. Crocs are a hard no.
Distract Your Captain (Be a Good First Mate)
If your captain tries to interact, make sure that at least one person is in a position to carry on the occasional conversation. Things like, “What kind of duck is that?”; “How long have you been working here?”; and “It doesn’t look like we’re fucking our brains out back here, does it?” work really well.
Getting Your Sea Legs
Balance is essential. We couldn’t have plowed our way across the San Francisco Bay with a wobbly foundation. Nobody wants a house built on sand. Dig deep, and channel your inner sailor — and inner ear. Once we were able to secure our positions, the main sail practically raised itself. Kachoww!!
Don’t Get Distracted by the Ducks
We were on this boat for a reason, and it wasn’t to spy on those cute lil’ waddlers. We had to keep our priorities straight. I’m not going to lie — there were moments when my attention was momentarily diverted by a web-footed friend. But if you are going to bang along the bay, you can’t lose focus. We were living on the edge, one misguided hump away from tumbling overboard. Life on the sea can be rough. Another note: never make eye contact. The ducks WILL judge you. They’re a prudish flock.
Watch for a Strong Crosswind
Out there on the water, the wind can be either your best friend or your mortal enemy. Prepare with light, wind-resistant attire. If possible, bring your favorite anemometer, and gauge fluctuations between strong gusts. If it’s choppy, things could get sloppy.
Mind Your Aft and Bow
It’s only common maritime courtesy to avoid collisions. Be sure to keep a close watch on both the front and back ends. Nobody likes a loose rudder, and the last thing anyone wants is to accidentally expose themselves to a youngster with a penchant for duck voyeurism.
Wear Sunscreen
This is a mistake I can admit to. In the heat of the moment, I forgot to take precaution against the heat of the sun. SPF 40–65 is recommended for water excursions, but why not just go ahead and bump that up to a smooth 80? It might not be sexy, but do the right thing and use protection — the future you will thank you for it.
Have Low Expectations
Most important of all, don’t forget where you are. In all honesty, this is a high-risk, low-reward type of mission, so don’t expect to have the bang-sesh of a lifetime.Worst-case scenario: you make it on a lifetime sex-offender list and are thus forth prohibited from all amphibious tours of San Francisco or living near elementary schools.Best-case scenario: you escape with minimal scratches and bruises from the uncomfortable seats. Remember, it’s always better to be pleasantly surprised than unpleasantly surprised.
Hopefully, these 10 tips can help if you ever find yourself in the exact same situation I was in all those many two years ago. I trust that if you manage to pull it off, you will not hesitate to contact me. If you succeed, I will applaud you from afar; and if you do manage to get caught, you never read this.
