As a neurotic Jew with New Yorkers for parents, I am very skeptical about so-called magic. I barely believe in the power of prayer, never mind the power of fortune telling. But when a college friend sent me a recording of his half-hour psychic reading, I was surprised by how much his medium had gotten things right.
I grew up in the nineties, and thus shoddy signs on the Jersey Shore boardwalk and Miss Cleo’s infomercials were my only exposure to psychics. But after listening to my friend’s reading — and drinking a few glasses of wine — I figured there was no harm in getting some advice from people who do it for a living. Plus, they were cheaper than therapy. (Or at least some of them. After a few phone calls, I realized that many were out of my price range — some bill $200 an hour. Clearly, I am on the wrong career path.)
Everyone who was out of my price range seemed very nice and sound. And they were also very calming. A nice man named Storm chatted with me for a few minutes, and I wanted to give him all of my money to keep talking to me and tell me I was on a good path. But it’s tax season, so I had to forgo Storm. Sorry, Storm.
The West Portal Psychic
I had passed Psychic Solutions on Dewey Boulevard many times while driving home from work. The storefront seemed nice, and the neon signs were on point. So I went in. Leila gave me a palm and psychic reading for 20 dollars. I’ve spent more money on a bad meal, so it seemed like a bargain for some outlook on the love front. Leila held my hand and analyzed the wrinkles — which are apparently life lines, not just wrinkles. I am going to call Leila in 20 years and have her affirm that my face wrinkles are also life lines, not just wrinkles.
Leila told me that there will be three great loves in my life and that one has already come and gone. She asked if my ex was a water sign. I didn’t know, but I told her he did spend a lot of time in the water and could hold his breath for a long time, which made me nervous when we snorkeled. She gently informed me that he was actually a Taurus, an earth sign. Luckily, her reading predicted that the other two loves of my life were yet to come. One was coming this year (woo hoo!), but he might not be the forever one.
Then the reading took a bit of a turn. Leila told me that I am an adventurous spirit and that the one I settle down with will be a homebody. Evidently, this will create friction because I’m a fire sign — which symbolizes adventurism — and I want to be free. “You can’t keep a bird on the ground,” Leila told me.
I panicked a bit and told Leila that settling down with someone who doesn’t like to travel is my biggest fear. And I am currently interested in a guy who just last week described himself to me as a homebody. And another who likes to eat the same thing for dinner every night. Maybe that was a warning sign?!
Leila warned me that my life will be filled with sacrifice and that I have to give myself permission to be free. I’m supposed to look out for a water sign, since my new lover will be a water sign with a calming spirit. I expect that Leila smelled my neuroses from the moment I entered and declared that I need a partner with a calming spirit for a good reason.
Before I left, Leila looked at the side of my hand and declared that I will have two kids. She also warned me that I am generous, which is my best quality but also my worst, and to be wary of people taking advantage of me. Being a little more selfish has saved me a lot of time, so … thanks, Leila! Leila wants me to come back in six months for a check-in and also likely another one of my Andrew Jacksons.
The Cole Valley Psychic
The Sword and Rose is the epitome of a mythical magic store: it’s poorly lit, and the room is overfilled with crystals, sage, candles, swords, tarot-card decks and a crystal ball. I’d never done a tarot-card reading before, but this seemed like the perfect place to start. My reader asked me to choose cards on the basis of the energy that drew me to them. I didn’t feel much energy but chose as instructed.
As for the reading, there was a lot to keep track of — my moon sign, water sign, rising sun sign and wherever Saturn was. I didn’t really grasp the science behind it. Of course, she could have been telling me literally anything, but for some reason, her calming presence drew me in so much that I didn’t realize that more than 45 minutes had passed when I finally looked at the clock.
When I asked for love advice, she demurred — apparently, the cards were registering my home and work troubles more strongly. (Truthfully, I have been struggling with a client and devoting more of my time and energy to that as opposed to romance.) She returned to the topic of my career and asked if anyone I worked with had been lying to me and treating me unfairly (they had). As for my love life, she told me that I will meet someone new only when I totally let go of my past, and that I should be wary of someone bossy and controlling coming into my love life. She also told me that I am smart, beautiful, intelligent and hard working, and that I have a lot going for me. She would make a great wingwoman.
Joyous that my psychic had affirmed my unfair treatment, I stayed up until 3:00 a.m. that night working on invoices. I also dropped a difficult client that day. Since the Sword and Rose has a pay-what-you-can sliding scale starting at $40, this probably saved me money on career coaching. Thanks, Sword and Rose, for helping me drop the haters.
The North Beach Psychic
A psychic in North Beach answered the phone and told me she couldn’t read my aura that day because there was water in her ear, which apparently caused an echo, thus blocking her ability to read the future. She instructed me to call back in a few days. Moments after I hung up, she called me back and asked if her office door was open. I had no idea, since I was at my kitchen table in the Sunset and not at her front door on Columbus Avenue. My roommate pointedly asked, “Isn’t she supposed to know that, if she’s a psychic?”
I did eventually visit the North Beach psychic, who changed her name between the time we spoke and my visit. (I didn’t inquire.) “Kate” (her new name) charged me 30 dollars for a palm reading and an aura reading. She sat so far away from me that I’m not totally sure she even saw my palm, and her staccato reading sounded rehearsed. Kate told me that I’m unsettled because I have stepped away from the center of my universe; that I love deeply but that good things come to my hands and slip away; and that my face is smiling but my heart is not. (Kate may just have seen me crying on Muni earlier.) She barely touched on my love life but did say that I am a good person and that people don’t treat me as well as I treat them. (Hello, past lovers!) I could have told her that. I knew about my past — I was looking for future love advice, Kate.
But Kate was more concerned with getting me recentered again. She tried to upsell me on a crystal healing and an herb bath to rid me of my bad aura. She also offered, for a fee, to chant my name and birthday by candlelight. I suspect many of my exes routinely hold voodoo dolls while chanting my name by candlelight. I declined.
When I left, Kate warned me not to tell anyone my fortune. But since she really didn’t predict much, I feel OK sharing it with the Internet. But a few hours after her reading, I got a cryptic message from a friend that he had found the perfect man for me. Thanks, Kate!
The Chinatown Psychic
While walking down Grant Street in Chinatown, I came across Zoltar, an automated fortune-teller machine. He has the cheapest rate I’d seen — a 30-second reading for just a dollar, along with a printout fortune to take home.
Zoltar gave me “the wisdom of the ancients” and told me to “do with it what I will.” I liked that he gave me the option to take or leave his advice, while everyone else had doled out theirs as if it were truth. Like Kate on Columbus Avenue, Zoltar tried to upsell me as well — he told me to “insert more wealth for more instruction from Zoltar.”
Zoltar’s reading came with a printout of my fortune, which was mostly travel advice: “A busy idleness possesses you; you seek a happy life, with ships, cars and planes — the object of your search is present within you. Remember, a good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are more vague than your own.”
Surprisingly, Zoltar’s reading was the most on point. My birthday was approaching, and I was debating whether to take a vacation. I had also been perusing jobs in other cities, wondering if the grass was greener — or, as Zoltar said, “changing [my] sky, not [my] mind.”
And even though the bottom of the fortune bore the capital-letter-caveat “FOR ENTERNTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY,” I decided that this $1 investment was the best one I’d made.
I went home and booked a birthday vacation. Zoltar is my enabler. Maybe I’ll go back to Grant Street someday to thank him.
