Satire by Ginny Hogan and Hanna Dickinson
It is a gosh-dang, knee-slapping abomination the way powerful men think they can treat women! When I hear of the things that men like Trump have gotten away with, I’m positively sick to my sensitive, constantly inflamed stomach — he thinks he can collude with Russia and Ukraine, lock kids in cages, and rape women? Choose two! If you’re going to sexually abuse women, have the decency to at least be a liberal while doing it.
Sure, it’s wrong what Al Franken did. I wasn’t even all that swayed by the extremely long New Yorker piece basically absolving him of his crimes. (Although, I’ll admit, I was even a little swayed at first, but that’s what happens when you read an article that’s specifically designed to defend the subject.) Even still, I don’t think it’s right that he kissed that actress against her will just to rehearse a sketch. But let’s not forget that Franken supports a single-payer health care system. Health care is critical, particularly for women, particularly after they’ve been assaulted, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.
I feel betrayed by Eliot Spitzer for his use of government funds to pay for sex workers, even if he was technically creating jobs for women. Unlike golf, which Trump plays every weekend with our tax dollars, prostitution is illegal, and as a governor, Spitzer should have known that. However, at least Spitzer didn’t brag about grabbing women by the pussy. He just grabbed it privately in a hotel room under a fake name, like a goddamn gentleman.
If you’re the president of the United States and you have to bang your 24-year-old intern, try to be a Democrat while doing it.
There is absolutely no excuse for Anthony Weiner’s dick pics, especially the unsolicited ones, which were sent to multiple adult girls and an underage girl. He pled guilty to his obscenity charges, because, like his pro-choice policies, it was the only sensible option. I’m not saying a picture isn’t worth a thousand words; I’m just saying that if it weren’t Weiner’s dick, it would have been the dick of a man who favors curbing the right to choose.
I’m not going to stand in front of you and defend a Mr. William Jefferson Clinton anymore than I have to in order to get more Democrats elected. While he surely abused his power, he also built out an incredible economy with 22 million new jobs, some of which might have gone to Monica Lewinsky and Gennifer Flowers. But my official stance is this: If you’re the president of the United States and you have to bang your 24-year-old intern, try to be a Democrat while doing it. And always, always, always restrict it to just oral.
I have a hard time even saying Jeffrey Epstein’s name (is the “i” silent?). No, he’s not a politician “per se,” but we all know that he was controlling them. Sometimes, someone’s charge of sexual assault gets worse the more we learn about them, such as the fact that Epstein helped Donald Trump get elected. At least Epstein’s friendship with Bill Clinton was clearly based around shared hobbies, not just money. Had Epstein kept his alliance with the Clintons, he would still be alive, and we would all be With Her. Yes, I mean Hillary, as well as Epstein’s victims, whom my heart goes out to, as I’m sure they’d like justice.
Let’s throw these people in jail the moment they lay an unsolicited hand on a woman, particularly if it’s the same hand they use to sign us up for higher tariffs.
I know it seems like I’m not hard enough on these sexual predators, but I am. Did you know that even as a 17-year-old boy Brett Kavanaugh identified as a Republican? I didn’t think teenagers needed to take responsibility for their actions, but I’ve changed my tune.
If they want to lower taxes on the rich, they’re not allowed to assault girls — new house rules. Roy Moore? Done with him forever. Rob Porter? More like “Snob Loser.” Let’s throw these people in jail the moment they lay an unsolicited hand on a woman, particularly if it’s the same hand they use to sign us up for higher tariffs.
After all, if you’re going to be a sexual predator (which I do not condone), don’t make things worse by choosing to be a Republican.
