Yes, we saw the news. “Congratulations.”
Of course we’re saying that sarcastically.
We wanted to bring back this box of your stuff. No, we’re not doing this out of spite: we’ve just moved on and thought we should give you the opportunity to keep any of this memorabilia that interests you. We were probably going to dump it: none of the donation centers in Northern California will take it.
No, we’re not angry: we’re hurt.
Here are all those orange foam beards and bearded rally rags and t-shirts with Shroud of Turin-like beard imprints on them we bought and wore and waved. Here are all of your affected idiosyncrasies we watched you develop and thought were adorable at the time. We’re over all of it. Here’s the scooter, the Marty McFly sneakers, the spandex tuxedo, and your seaman costume. No, we don’t need a glass of water, we’re fine, there’s just something in our collective throat. And our eyes. And look, here are all of our happy times: your 48 saves in 2010, the six games you saved in the playoffs that season, watching you warm up by third base at the park… No, that’s all over now, we can’t look back: the hurt is too recent.
We all knew you were going to move on to someone else, (even though we always kept the door open for your return) but…
The Dodgers?!
That’s like breaking up with someone and then texting them pictures of you sleeping with the person that tormented them in high school. You had two other offers, tell us the truth: you wanted to hurt us deliberately, didn’t you? Didn’t we try and be supportive when you needed it most? We were there for two Tommy John elbow surgeries, does that mean nothing? We wanted you to stay, you just weren’t being reasonable and then the relationship got really bad and you went away for a while and…
It’s just our allergies; we’re not upset. Stop asking us that!
Here’s your nickname and your catchphrase back: no thank you, we won’t be needing “Fear the Beard” anymore. Here’s the sightings we used to have of you in delis on Chestnut Street, here’s your performance art talk show appearances, here’s that incredible right arm from your closer days… We’ll miss that.
Did you have to do it now? You know things haven’t been great around here… did you have to kick us when we were down? WITH LOS ANGELES? I mean whatever, we don’t follow how they’re doing in El Lay this season but did you have to be so opportunistic? We had no idea of what you were capable of when the chips were low.
Oh, look… here’s your 2010 World Series ring… Those were good times. Look, we shouldn’t be saying this to a Dodger but… are you sure you’re healed? I mean, whatever, why should we care but is it a good idea to come in late this season? Maybe wait until 2014, don’t jump on any offers yet, better safe than sorry…
We know, we know, you made your decision. We have to respect that.
Here’s your city wide increase in purposely Viking facial hair back, we’re not going to miss that at all.
Look, it’s your strike out from the bottom of the ninth in the final game of the 2010 World Series: the one that Nelson Cruz swung at that won the Series for us. We’re going to keep that. We really did have some good times…
Okay, that’s everything. No, you know we can’t just be friends now: you’re with them. Good luck getting along with people in your new neighborhood with your history. I’m sure they’re totally just as much about individualism in Southern California as they are in San Francisco.
It’s going to be so awkward the next time you’re in our neighborhood, wearing BLUE. We’ll try to keep it civil but we can’t speak for the entire Bay Area. Now excuse us, please: there’s a Jagged Little Pill breakup playlist we need to be listening to on Spotify.
Sincerely,
San Francisco
P.S. Please leave our spare key with the doorman.
Written by Tony Bravo.
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