Riding public transportation was best described to me by a puppet. In a video by famous YouTube puppets Glove and Boots, one character equates the experience to “going to a party at a stranger’s studio apartment at seven in the morning with 800 other people who hate you.” He was referring to the New York subway but that sentiment speaks to me as an SF commuter.
I feel the same way about transit as I do organized religion or the Twilight franchise: I like the idea of it, I just get really annoyed by the people who partake in it. It would take me years to discuss all things that can make you hate commuters. Hell, I could spend an entire day talking about people who pretend that bags are sentient beings that need a seat. YOUR BAG IS NOT A PERSON, SIR!
But today’s rant is for those special dandruff-y snowflakes who use public transit as their personal powder room: The groomers.
This week a woman clipped her fingernails on a train, sparking an entire Reddit commentary thread about her actions. A quick, informal poll of my friends resulted in several stories of nail debauchery committed in broad bus light. One friend even recounted watching someone remove their shoes and socks and proceed to clip their toenails, casual as ever. The toe bandit then proceeded to leave the clippings on the bus floor. Granted the bus floor is not the paragon of cleanliness to begin with, but TOENAILS? Good god y’all! A Reddit commenter suggested countering this kind of affront by making eye contact with the clipper and pretending to collect the nail parts while muttering to yourself. Is fighting crazy with crazy the only way to make it in this city, people?!
And while we’re on nails, don’t fucking paint your nails on the bus. I have seen people do this a few times and I get it, you’re a lady on the go, but come on! Nail polish smells weird. Not bad. Not good. But chemically and weird. A good rule of unpainted, unclipped thumb is do your best to avoid bringing smelly things on busses. This rule can apply to nail polish, burritos, or boyfriends.
I have always admired Anne Frank for saying “In spite of everything, I still believe people are good at heart.” So I’ve tried to give everyone a fair shake. But something changed in me the first time I saw someone pick their nose on the bus. And I’m not talking about a discreet, “whoops, scratching the corner of my nostril got out of hand” sort of deal. I’m talking about full on rummaging knuckle deep into the nose looking for treasures. And then they ate it. THEY. FUCKING. ATE. IT! A part of me died that day, I have never been the same.
Look, humans are disgusting. We’re all basically meat refrigerators who walk around oozing, spewing, drooling, and passing gas on the daily. From the Pope to the pauper we’re intrinsically gross and that’s ok. Still, just because you spend so much time on public transit it starts to feel like home doesn’t mean you should act like it is. I’m a pretty disgusting human but even I have the decency to cut my nails in the privacy of my own house, neatly into the crease of this month’s Glamour and discretely tip the remnants into the garbage. I’m not immune to the pleasures of butt scratching, teeth picking, or a really robust ear dig, none of us are. That’s why people started living in caves to begin with: to keep out of the rain and do gross stuff in private. Save your grooming for your own damn cave!
Photo courtesy of Flickr user, Moonstr.
