I’ve been hearing a lot about the approximately 37 gajillion people that moved out of New York and California in 2020. Let me be the first to say that most of these people tried to sell their possessions on Craigslist for exorbitant prices. I offered $25 for that preamp that you’ll never use again because you never had a voiceover career in the first place, Patty. Enjoy Tampa.
Will this exodus dramatically decrease the tax revenue in these garbage states? Honestly… probably, yes. So our best hope is that most of the people who left (who should in no way be allowed to drive the 50-foot U-Hauls they rented) are economists, and that they’ll take their doom and gloom tax revenue forecasting with them. Governor Handsome Newsom and Governor Definitely-An-Author-Now Cuomo don’t care about your obsession with numbers, dweebs.
Here’s a list of places that people I no longer have to think about, moved to. Also, $36 is more than a fair price for a lightly used KitchenAid mixer. You can’t fit it in your suitcase anyway, Kevin. Enjoy Pine Bluff, loser.
- Out of business. Randy worked the register at Peggy’s Prefrozen Pizza a few blocks from my apartment. He once told me he liked hot-air balloon rides. What a tool. Thankfully, Peggy’s was shut down not because of the pandemic, but because someone kept leaving bags of poop in their mailbox until the mailman stopped delivering their mail. Eventually, they were past due on all their bills and LADWP turned off their power. Now I never have to see Randy’s stupid face ever again.
- Pahrump, Nevada. I absolutely hate reasonable, rational people. Unfortunately for me, none of these types of people would ever move to Pahrump. But the woman who lived next door to me for six years who didn’t own an item of clothing that wasn’t bedazzled moved there with the ghost of Stephen Miller’s hairline.
- Hell, probably? I hate to speak ill of the dead, but who in their right mind divorces Jennifer Garner? Have you seen her Instagram? A lot of people died last year but when Ben Affleck bit the dust, it was so easy to remove his entire existence from my brain. Upon hearing that he died while being zipped into a velociraptor costume for the latest Jurassic Park film, I immediately ignored the alert on my phone and continued yelling at the Starbucks barista who wouldn’t give me a second napkin.
- A Caribbean cruise. A former co-worker invited me to go to SoulCycle with her before she realized that I could murder her with my eyes. The day before our office closed down because of the pandemic, she left for her honeymoon on a Western Caribbean cruise saying, “I’m perfectly healthy and I deserve this vacation.” I like to think… of anything else except her.
- An abyss. Any and all goodwill I had toward people with differing views moved here.
Larger, coastal states are going to be far more livable with fewer assholes complaining about how expensive it is to live there. Whether or not we want to sublease their condos is another matter entirely.
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