Pandemic Dating Diaries
“Pandemic Dating Diaries” is a TBI series that features moments in love, dating, and sex during Covid-19 directly from our readers. Have a story you’d like to submit? Email us or DM us on Twitter or Instagram.
Truly nothing from 2020 felt more relatable than when I was doing my nightly scroll on TikTok and came upon @jacygibbs declaring: “I just think it’s… it’s insane to think that a pandemic postponed my wedding. What are the odds? Like, I’m not dating anyone but this for sure pushed it back.”
Jacy’s #relatable, self-deprecating video really struck a chord with me. I had just turned 30, and along with all the other anxieties that come with this milestone birthday, my “biological clock” (ew, I’m sorry, I know we hate this phrase) was taking a front seat in my mind. I knew I wanted a family eventually, and, ‘rona or no ‘rona, maybe it was time to make that a priority.
I am being 100% honest with you when I say I have literally never thought about my fertility before this birthday. I definitely want kids, but I’ve always known that I wanted to have them a bit later than average. My trajectory isn’t linear like most of the people I grew up with. I am very career-driven and really want to crush all my personal goals before entertaining the idea of having a family. Hashtag girlboss or whatever.
Did you know that after age 35, having a baby is referred to as a “geriatric pregnancy”? Only a man would come up with that term. So if we work backward and rush the timeline a bit, I need to get married and pregnant at 34, get engaged at 33, and meet my husband by 32. This means that when we can finally date safely again, I will only have about a year to find Mr. Right.
Yes, I know that there are lots of different options out there for people of any age to start a family, and that everyone has their own timeline and journey and all that, blah blah blah. But nonetheless, the mental calculations that I need to meet my baby daddy within the next year began to stress me out. I became obsessed with the timeline. As soon as I reassured myself for the umpteenth time that age is just a number, my mind would start to spiral again.
When I had a long-term relationship end in February 2019, my “reproductive timeline” didn’t cross my mind. It wasn’t even a blip on my radar. I also wasn’t interested in dating after that — not because I was hung up on my ex, but because a lot had been going wrong between my relationship and my career. I needed time to reevaluate, reassess, and refocus.
Around November of that same year, a friend convinced me to finally get on the apps. I might not have been ready to date, but I was certainly ready for the confidence boost. My only other experience with the apps was when I downloaded Tinder senior year of college, right when they were first becoming more normal. However, when I received a message that said “hey, are you at the gym right now?” and I was, indeed, at the gym, I deleted the whole app. Note to men: Don’t be creepy.
I decided Tinder was too gross for me, so I downloaded Hinge instead since it seemed relatively less creepy. I had friends review my profile to make sure it was up to snuff. I was told to change my answer to the “If loving this is wrong, I don’t want to be right” prompt from “The Jonas Brothers” to literally anything else, but like, I am who I am and I love the Jo Bros and if you are going to judge me for that, feel free to keep scrolling. I started swiping but still wasn’t quite ready to date. I just wanted to see what was out there, ya know?
I would now like to make an interlude listing of my dating app observations, as a PSA for the gentlemen reading this:
- Do not use the two truths and a lie prompt on Hinge. It is not humblebragging—it is just bragging.
- Do not put a picture of yourself with a fish. I don’t know who told you that women are attracted to fish. Is it because it shows you can “provide” for your family? Whoever told you this is a lie. Like honestly, let me know in the comments because I am stumped.
- I do not want a gym selfie. This may be an unpopular opinion but I find it so cringy. I may let one slide, but if you have more than one I immediately swipe left.
- Using the prompt “I’m overly competitive about” and answering “everything” is not a good look.
About a year after my breakup, and a couple of months of swiping, I was finally feeling good and ready to move from casual perusing to actually meeting up IRL at the beginning of 2020. Well, you already know what happened next, the whole global pandemic and all that.
I was able to squeeze in one pre-pandemic date, though, in mid-January. I hadn’t been on a date since my ex and I broke up and I really just wanted to get one out of my system. Let’s call him Finn. He was 32 and a software engineer. He was a nice guy but I knew it wasn’t a love match. He put on this “cool guy swag” attitude and had his go-to first date moves. For example, he tried to read my palm, but because I’ve had my palm read before and am also interested in similar spiritual practices like astrology and tarot, I knew right away he was full of shit. I let him finish, asked him how many times he’d done that before (if my memory serves I think it was around five?), and then proceeded to tell him never to do that again because I hated it. He thought I was funny, but I just really wanted him to stop. Still, I had fun, so when he pulled me in for a kiss, I didn’t pull away.
We had made plans to tentatively hang out that Sunday, but my schedule was insanely busy at the time so I asked to postpone. And then I accidentally ghosted him. I know, I am an asshole. I didn’t mean to and I promise I will never do it again. In my defense, I was planning this big launch party for the comedy series that I co-created with a friend, on top of working 13-hour days, six days a week, but that’s just an excuse and I know it doesn’t make it any better. So if you’re reading this, Finn, I am really sorry.
It’s crazy to think now that that has been my only date in years. I was just a naive 29-year-old without a care in the world about her fertility who thought she could finally date just to date and not take it too seriously before feeling ready for a relationship again. Lolz… Joke’s on you. And by “you,” I mean me.
Not long after I (accidentally) ghosted Finn, I booked a flight home to Indiana for what I thought would be two weeks, but which turned into a much longer stay. After a couple months in the Hoosier State, I realized that this was now the new normal. Friends and family started to suggest virtually dating. I know a couple friends who actually did this, some of whom even met their now boyfriends that way. I had also seen multiple TikToks about how people “found love in a hopeless place” (yes, I did just quote Rihanna and I’m not mad about it) that is, sliding into DMs on Instagram, so I knew it was possible.
I didn’t think virtual dating was an insane suggestion, but I had no idea how long I would be in Indiana and when I would be able to move back to the city. I had also done the whole long-distance thing before and wasn’t interested in doing it again. Plus, I had been listening to the CDC and my man Dr. Fauci, so I personally wouldn’t have felt comfortable moving past the “virtual” phase anyway. So alas, no virtual gentleman callers for me. Thank god for my vivid imagination and Harry Styles’ existence though. TMI? Sorry, Mom.
So here we are, almost a year lost of dating, two if we don’t count my date with Finn (again, I am really sorry I ghosted you). For a while, I had a hard time not thinking of 2020 as a year lost not only in dating but in almost everything. I kept saying to people that it felt that “my life was on pause.” But looking back, it wasn’t. My life kept moving. I finally had time to really invest in myself and continue my #growth; I’ve practiced yoga five to six days a week for almost a year now, I started meditating, I dived deep into astrology, and focused more on my writing and comedy series (shameless Untitled Millennial Project plug). I also spent more quality time with my family than I have had since I went away to college. Most importantly, I got precious time with my two goldendoodles, Woodford and Angel, who are the best dogs in the whole entire world (and if you try to fight me on this you will lose). When I look back, I only feel immense gratitude.
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I have also been able to reframe this past year as the end of a chapter, and am excited for the next one. There is magic in new beginnings. And things are already looking up in 2021: We have a new president, multiple vaccines, and I am moving back to the city and into a new apartment in about a month. Except for my moments where I mentally spiral, I am not that worried about my biological clock ticking. I’m just ready to get back out there. I am also hopeful that I will meet my future husband on my first date. Just kidding… kind of.
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