The Bay Area has many ideal locations for having sex in public — and TBI has a history of helping you find ways to explore all of its picturesque localities with your genitals, including the San Francisco Zoo, the Winchester Mystery House and Coit Tower.
Today, we present another option: dirty shenanigans on Alcatraz. Once home to some of the nation’s hardest and cruelest criminals, the former prison has been described as one cold, hard bitch.
After it closed as a prison in 1963 after 29 years of operation and opened to the public in 1973, the rogues’ gallery of hardened convicts was replaced with meandering tourists with fanny packs and sunscreen. Naturally, it’s now a perfect place to Fornicate Under the Consent of the King, if you catch my drift. The façade of concrete, the cold steel bars: what could possibly be kinkier than going to the bone zone at Alcatraz?
So bring in some tea lights to warm the stark vibe and a blanket to get down on, and get ready for an erotic adventure on the Rock that you’ll always cherish. We at TBI are not responsible if you get arrested for public fornication. But isn’t public fornication the best kind?
A cell
The most obvious choice but a solid one nevertheless. You could choose one of the 336 cells on Alcatraz to turn into your cave of passion. These 5 x 9 rooms should be large enough for some form of missionary style. Why not get a little kinky and handcuff yourself to the bed as your partner pretends to look for contraband?
“What’s this chisel for?” inquires the prison guard.
“Oh, I use that to make chess pieces from rocks I find in the yard,” you may respond.
“Well, I could be persuaded to turn a blind eye,” they reply.
“Care for a cup of toilet wine?” you coyly suggest.
So on and so forth—you get the picture.
Prison-guard tower
How will you get up there, you ask? Simply pay off a staff member to sneak you in so you can overlook the entire island as you make coitus. You’re probably not the first — I’m sure sometime in the 29 active years of the existence of Alcatraz that two guards did the deed. It gets cold and lonely on the Rock. If there was a movie for such a scenario, it would make Brokeback Mountain look like the Muppets. Just think of it—a steamy romance between two Alcatraz prison guards, played by Gerard Butler and Mark Ruffalo. Film of the year? I think so. Fucking hot.
Escape tunnel
Squeeze your sexy selves through a cell-wall vent, and climb down a series of pipes to the inner guts of the prison. What’s more erotic than stopping mid daring escape for a quickie inside a concrete wall? Bring lube, because you’ll need to slather your body in it to more easily crawl through a drainage pipe on your way to freedom and the orgasm of your life.
A raft made out of raincoats
No Alcatraz public-sex romp would be complete without building a small raft made out of improvised materials meticulously collected over the years — as Frank Morris with John and Clarence Anglin famously did. Then, the difficulty of having sex in freezing water as you paddle the mile to San Francisco would certainly be a fine feather in your cap. Just don’t get eaten by a shark or run over by a boat or freeze to death, which you most certainly would do.
The prison operating room
Do you know what’s more grim then a prison operating room? Nothing. It looks like the set of a goddamn Saw movie. If you manage to have sex in here, you’re probably more of a pervert than the Marquis de Sade. Picture yourself making “love” on that operating table, the cold leather and metal on flesh. Echh, I tip my hat to you.
Solitary-confinement cell
Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary featured six solitary-confinement cells, pitch black with no windows, where prisoners slept on hard steal floors. Matters were so bleak that one inmate invented a game of dropping a button on the floor and then looking for it to entertain himself, again and again for hours. So, of course, this would be the perfect place in which to knock boots,as you and your lover explore each other’s body locked in total darkness you can probably hear the whispers of the Birdman of Alcatraz (real name Robert Stroud) who spent 42 years of solitary confinement on the island.
The handball court
Many a convict spent countless hours mindlessly throwing a ball against a wall here, as shall you, ho-ho! Think of all the shankings that have happened here. You shall baptize this place with your genital sweat as you and your lover writhe on the floor like a tangle of snakes, with your screams of ecstasy echoing across the prison. Ask a state park ranger if they’d like to watch if you’re feeling especially saucy.
The warden’s office
Yeah, how do you like these apples, Mr.Warden?! Boning on a prison warden’s desk is the ultimate fuck you to The Man and the whole prison industrial complex! Having sex on the warden of Alcatraz’s desk is possibly the most punk-rock thing anybody could ever do.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Alexia Tsotsis, former co-editor of TechCrunch. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
