Parties are a great way to meet new people, experience boring conversations about accidentally killing succulents, and humiliate yourself. Luckily, every party throughout civilization has and will eventually die, even Woodstock. While each passes, it’s worth remembering both the life of the party and memorializing its death. Here are a few touching obituaries of various parties I have attended while in my twenties.
Sigma Phi Epsilon’s frat party
R.I.P. 10:05 p.m.–4:27 a.m.
It’s with great sadness that we mourn the death of Sigma Phi Epsilon’s frat party, born on a Saturday night until it died six hours later. It lived a good life of beer pong and Smirnoff, leaving behind an impressive legacy of emulating that one party scene in National Lampoon Presents: Jake’s Booty Call. Unfortunate as it was, we weren’t surprised that its cause of death was the campus police. Luckily, it had a friendship with Irving, who brought joy to our dearly beloved when he passed out on the couch and partygoers drew dicks on his face. Even though it isn’t alive to see Irving graduate and become unemployed, we are comforted to know it is resting in the memories of drunk frat bros who regret making out with the VHS player.
A friend of an acquaintance’s Halloween party
R.I.P. 9:15 p.m.–2:32 a.m.
Today, we shed tears for our fallen brethren, a generous provider of distasteful vintage clothing. It had a knack for bringing people together — people who would meet other people and eagerly tell them they “should totally hang out,” even though they knew very well they’d never see them again. People like Irving, who, ever since starting a life coaching business despite having never been employed, has missed the opportunity to dress up as a human-sized fondue fountain.
My former roommate’s housewarming party where my ex-girlfriend also happened to be
R.I.P. 8:05 p.m.–8:15 p.m.
Our hearts are shattered that our dear friend was taken from this world far too soon. The cause of death was Irving. Details leading up to the swift passing are unclear, but eyewitnesses report hearing heavy bursts of Irving being verbally humiliated before it simply gave up on life and forfeited all of its positive party vibes. The last journal entry of our fallen friend reads, “Irving’s ex-girlfriend was totally right about him: Irving’s extremely unqualified to be a life coach.”
Some random corporate event’s lifeless afterparty
R.I.P. 10:00 p.m.–11:30 p.m.
We are pained by the passing of some random corporate event’s lifeless afterparty. It lived a brief but uninspiring life, one that was bankrupt of warmth and conversations of substance. While we are indeed sad, we cannot evade the truth that the party inside this coffin was simply an uptight bore. Its proudest moments in life were when it gifted Irving free drinks, enabling the life coach turned freeloader to feel confident about pitching attendees his latest startup idea: compostable diapers for French bulldogs. The party died at precisely 11:30 p.m., the official closing time of the Burbank Convention Center.
My office crush’s housewarming party that I showed up at even though I wasn’t invited
R.I.P. 8:08 p.m.–1:38 a.m.
We are grieving the death of a beautiful housewarming party. Many attendants flashed questionable glances at Irving, the freeloader turned remarkably employed person. Fortunately, our beloved did not surrender any of its positive vibes when it witnessed Irving telling his office crush, Catherine, that he has four podcasts. The party blessed the world with so many fun conversations, new friendships, and multiple chances for Irving not to randomly mention reading Infinite Jest. But it was obvious that Catherine was repulsed by Irving, a self-titled “fondue fountain aficionado” who kept making terrible cheese puns.
A party of all the hopes and dreams inside my mind
We are letting friends and family know that this party is still alive and hopping inside Irving’s mind. Although we are hearing reports that partygoers are beginning to dislike the DJ, who prefers spinning jams riddled with negative self-talk. Free, no cover.
