In this great city we live in, we are afforded some of the most expensive dining options. From $325 tasting menus to $43 martinis inspired by our beloved Karl the Fog, we have the luxury of being able to spend our rent on one meal if we really set our minds to it. Unfortunately, some of these so-called service people don’t realize how fortunate they are to serve us. I have dug up some of the biggest atrocities committed against some of San Francisco’s finest and have exposed them here. I hope some of these Michelin men and women learn a thing or two about how to treat and respect those more fortunate.
Gary Danko
You know when you get such bad food service, you have to butcher classic literary quotes? Hell, who needs the bad food? I’m feeling inspired: the worst $120+ this guy ever spent was the night he missed the Grammys in San Francisco.
Akiko’s Restaurant
How avant-garde: a cry for justice guised as a restaurant review. It’s illuminating that our city’s “using the street as a bathroom” problem can be partially blamed on upscale sushi restaurants’ lack of sympathy for menstruation. Next time I have sake, I’ll pour some out for this woman’s plight and the harrowing journey her boyfriend took to a dark doorway.
Boulevard
I would lose my appetite for panna cotta, too, if my child were being censored. How is my son supposed to express that he wants to have no communication with his family if he can’t do so at a moderate volume in a loud establishment? I don’t care if the offender didn’t even work there. He ruined a moment I could have peacefully spent not speaking to my son.
Saison
I hate when I forget to inform restaurants of my allergies, yet they can’t tell what I’m allergic to through my eyes. It’s especially annoying when I eat it anyway, and they do not cover my hospital bills.
Nopa
If Nopa could kindly replace their delicious food with some more rare finds, this person would stop getting complaints about having such a boring Instagram.
State Bird Provisions
This famed reviewer is speaking out and has rewarded SBP with his notorious “no dawg.” What a blow to the business. Many never recover after a “no dawg,” but we’ll check back in at the end of the year.
Foreign Cinema
Alas, someone has finally made the comparison between Foreign Cinema and Popeyes. I hope this horrendous bait and switch at Foreign Cinema inspired this person to suggest that a big screen and surround sound be new features at Popeyes nationwide. That way, no special night will ever have to suffer through healthy, movie-less romance again.
Acquerello
This review has revealed (and fallen for) Yelp’s vicious cycle of seduction and traitorism. Don’t get sucked in; you might find yourself having conversations with the ether over pasta sauce.
Kokkari Estiatorio
How dare you not know whom this man dines with or the fragility of his ego? Making him ask if his associate — a business associate, at that — was at your restaurant when he was, in fact, having violent diarrhea at home? Couldn’t you have sent your carrier pigeon through the moonroof of his UberX? Maybe next time, you will know the face of Coworker with Canceled Lunch Plans when you see him!
