The average rent for a one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco is $3,629 a month. In buyer’s terms, that works out to a monthly mortgage payment on a house that costs about $770,000, assuming you have a 20% down payment, which you don’t.
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The Covid-19 pandemic has many of us feeling cooped up and longing for more space. Maybe months of quarantine has you fantasizing about making a big life change. Maybe you’re looking to skip town on a stack of unpaid SFMTA parking tickets. Maybe you’re interested in starting a secret second family in another city. I’m not here to judge. I’m here to show you what you can buy around the country with your San Francisco rent money.
Let’s go Redfin shopping!
1. San Francisco
Let’s start with the devil we know. Here’s a remodeled one-bedroom in Nob Hill for sale for $760,000.
Cute. But this cozy little pad is only 616 square feet for three-quarters of a million dollars. Not cute. So if your family consists of more than one or two adults, you’re going to be packed in there nuts to butts.
What happens if we keep the max price at $770,000 and filter by two bedrooms?
There are only two whole listings, and they could not be perched any more precariously on the far edge of the city. And, they will likely go over $100,000 over asking, all-cash, no contingency.
We’ll have to take this shopping trip on the road.
2. Los Angeles
First up is sunny Los Angeles. Check out this delightful two-bedroom condo in L.A.’s trendy Silverlake neighborhood.
Priced at a (comparatively) reasonable $629,000, this 1,185-square-foot space will save you some monthly cash and provide a little extra breathing room. The location alone preserves your hip urban street cred, making this an easy transition.
3. New Orleans
Perhaps you want to do something a little less predictable. May I suggest buying the murder mansion from the game Clue?
This stately 1923 manor boasts a game room, a conservatory-like sunroom, and a library. For only $649,000, you get 3,500 square feet for your dinner party guests to stalk each other through. After each untimely death, you can fan yourself on the jaw-dropping porch as you try to deduce whodunit.
4. New York City
A list such as this would not be complete without paying a visit to our twin in real estate tragedy, New York.
As long as your squad is comfortable in 850 square feet, this Upper West Side condo is an attractive option. However, once you start looking for more space than this, there’s hardly a listing in sight that comes in at budget.
5. Chicago
If you’re looking for big-city amenities with more living space, try the Second City.
For $750,000, you can get a spacious three-bedroom townhouse in Chicago’s Lincoln Park neighborhood. San Franciscans aren’t known for their ability to tolerate hard winters, so check your almanac before making a bid on this place. You all have almanacs, right?
6. Boston
If your fantasy involves ditching your family and starting anew as an acclaimed restaurateur who specializes in clam chowder — boy, do I have a lovely place for you.
These grand ceilings could be yours for $749,000. But at 685 square feet, this Back Bay one-bedroom is probably best for a lone wolf.
7. Houston
They’ll tell you not to, but have you considered messin’ with Texas? Houston is not all 10-gallon hats and tumbleweed. It’s the fourth-largest American city and has a very generous real estate market. Imagine yourself escaping the 110-degree heat index in this ultra-modern townhouse in the hip Rice Military neighborhood.
A roomy 2,600 square feet for $650,000? Giddyup!
8. Seattle
Moving from San Francisco to Seattle is basically a meme at this point. In fact, I bet you are browsing Seattle listings in a new tab as we speak. I’d be remiss if I didn’t show you what there is to buy in (San Francisco’s Real Estate Refugee Zone) Seattle.
This quintessential craftsman could be yours for $725,000. Grow out your man bun, sip coffee, and hide out from serial killers in 1,680 square feet of PNW charm.
9. Bar Harbor, Maine
Let’s take another unexpected turn and see what’s happening in New England. If you’re like me, all you’ve ever wanted is to become a lobster fisherman and have a place to write your manifesto. May I present to you this renovated barn on eight-and-a-half acres overlooking Frenchman’s Bay.
According to the listing, “‘Thorncraig’ was once the estate of Mr. Henry Hill Thorndike. There are still stones remaining from the grand cottage!” There is no evidence on the internet that this person ever existed outside of the lore of this property, so I completely fabricated a backstory for you.
Henry Hill Thorndike was an eccentric New England billionaire who made his fortune in the magnet industry. He loved lobster racing, model trains, and games of chance. He famously left each of his children exactly $1 in his final will and testament.
10. Las Vegas
If you’re not regularly browsing Las Vegas real estate listings, you’re not living your life to the fullest. Next time you’re bumping asses with your partner in your cockpit-sized San Francisco kitchen, imagine yourself in this palatial estate.
Pardon my French, but this behemoth is 4,550 fucking square feet and is listed at $737,999.
It has an actual rotunda in case you need to hold a funeral for a distinguished senator in your home.
The kitchen is so large that it appears to be annexing a second room. Don’t even worry, though. If you need more kitchen, there’s another one outside.
The media room appears to have a crystal chandelier!
I know the next question you’re going to ask, and the answer is yes, this property is zoned for a horse. I’ve looked it up, and the average cost of a horse is $3,000, which is still less than the average monthly rent of a San Francisco one-bedroom apartment.
So, which one of these listings would you choose, and what would you name the horse?
