If you’re trying to figure out a non-cliché Halloween costume — meaning Harley Quinn is out — let San Francisco be your guide. In the past 365 days there’s been plenty of Halloween-costume inspiration in the 7x7: from the scary (a leaning skyscraper) to the humorous (the eyeglasses-on-the-floor prank at SFMOMA) to the futuristic (self-driving cars). And most of these costumes aren’t hard to execute — they require just a bit of paint and a commitment to the character.
Leaning Millennium Tower
Forget witches and spiders — this leaning 58-story building is truly frightening. Construct a cardboard version of the tower that’s large enough to slip down around your torso, paint it light blue, cut out two arm holes, and then — to complete the costume — wear two different shoes, making sure the heel of one is two inches taller than the other. Be sure to shout, “I’m sinking!” periodically throughout the night. The scariest part of your costume: taxpayers will likely be footing the bill to straighten you.
Best Croissant in the US
In August, Bon Appétit magazine named Arsicault the best bakery in the US, and — because there’s few things San Franciscans love more than waiting for food — the long lines for the bakery’s flaky croissants appeared the next morning. So, to convert yourself into this popular spot, you can go the simple route of buying a plastic Viking hat, wrapping it in brown fabric, and then wearing all black. Or you can go all out, and dress up as the bakery itself: Go to Safeway and buy the cheap croissants (in bulk — you’ll need at least 30), wait until the croissants have gone stale, and then hot-glue them to a large vest. You’ll also want a simple green hat (to serve as the bakery’s awning). Now exclaim, “I’m so flaky! I’m so buttery! I’m the best!” for the duration of Halloween.
Shrimp Boy in a Prison Cell
San Francisco’s most infamous felon, Raymond “Shrimp Boy” Chow, was sentenced earlier this year on racketeering and murder charges after a well-publicized FBI raid in 2014 that netted both him and California state senator Leland Yee. If you’re unfamiliar with Chow’s background, he had ties to a Chinatown gang before allegedly living a life on the straight and narrow, which was of course was revealed to be a ruse when the money laundering, dealing in stolen goods, and murder charges appeared.
To construct your personal prison, find a cardboard box large enough to slip down over your head and torso, cut away rectangle portions of the box to make the jail cell bars, and then don either an orange jumpsuit or his signature white tank top.
SFMOMA “Art”
Among the flood of visitors to SFMOMA after it reopened in May were two teens who decided to test what passed as art by placing a pair of eyeglasses on the floor. Soon visitors were photographing the “art piece” and a viral sensation was born. To re-create this modern-art moment, get a cigarette-girl tray (with white straps and a brown platter) and hot-glue a pair of cheap glasses to it. Dress in white, attach a museum placard to your shirt (Artist, Year, Medium), and use artsy terms like “outsider art,” “interpenetration” and “biennale.” When people approach you, ask, “Am I art?”
Disappointed Super Bowl 50 Fan
After a long buildup to Super Bowl 50 and the accompanying Super Bowl City along Market Street — which many felt was just a slow crawl to $12 beer and a merchandise counter — residents weren’t too happy to learn about their tax dollars footing the bill. For this costume, carry a Bud Lite, dress in both Carolina Panthers and Denver Broncos gear, and walk around complaining about how the whole thing’s a rip-off while reminding everyone how far away Santa Clara is from San Francisco.
A Self-Driving Car
This September, Uber’s self-driving cars began creeping through the slow San Francisco traffic. And while you won’t be able to hail one of these cars in SF anytime soon, chances are you’ll be seeing more of them.
To transform yourself into the transportation wave of the future, start with a basic car-costume pattern, which can be found with a simple Google search, and then add an Uber sticker to the “window.” To create your own awkward-looking sensor, grab a black baseball hat and then slip a black shoebox over the top before painting a red Solo cup silver and hot-gluing it to the top of the shoebox. (Yes, it’ll look weird, but have you seen those sensors?) Make sure to let everyone know you’re sitting in the passenger seat, and include a few parking tickets on the windshield.
Soda Tax
The soda tax has become a point of contention in city politics and taken over TV commercial airtime. To make yourself into a can of sugary carbonated water, use a large piece of cardboard for the top of the can and wrap vinyl material (the color of your soda of choice) around the side so that it hangs down the length of your body. Spray paint the top of the cardboard silver, and then enlarge a soda logo so that you can attach it to the “can” with tape. Once you’ve become a soda, affix some money signs and fake dollars across the costume and talk about diabetes and Michael Bloomberg. This costume is bound to terrify PepsiCo lobbyists.
Illustrations by Kelly O’Grady.
Do you have a great concept for a San Francisco–themed costume? Throw down in the comments.
